*LIKE, TURN DOWN YOUR LIGHTS, KAY?*

(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)

(The spy world isn't what it used to be....)

CCST3K Productions Presents…

"TOTALLY SPIES THEATER 3000" (SEASON ONE)

EPISODE 2: SAILOR TRIGGER (w/ short “B.B Hood’s Rampage”)

(A Sailor Moon/Chrono Trigger MSTing and a DarkStalkers MSTing)

MSTed From the Desk of CardCaptor Schlueter (aka Syaoran-kun)

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment

purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or

trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

“Totally Spies” is the property of Marathon Animation

“Sailor Moon” is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and the distributors of her work.

“Chrono Trigger” is the property of SquareSoft Co.

“DarkStalkers” is the property of Capcom Co.

“Sailor Trigger” is the property of Sailor Koban, The Ninja Kat and “BB Hood’s Rampage” is the property of FlamingSmileyFace and they’re welcome to them. I do not intend to offend them by making fun of his work like this but I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does.

Think of this as another form of C&C. ;)

 
(Cue "Totally Spies Theater 3000 Love Theme" in 5....4....3....)
 
In the not-too-distant future,

Way down in WOOHP 13

There was a guy named Jerry,

Who had brand new scheme.

He had some spies who drove him nuts,

So he used a plan, which took some guts.

He made them all his new test case.

So he crammed them in a rocket and he shot them into space!!

(Clover: JERRRRYYYYY!!!!)

(Sam and Alex: Get us DOWN!!)

Oh, we’ll send them crappy fanfics,

The worst we can find (la, la, la)

And they’ll have to sit and read them all

And we’ll monitor their minds. (la, la, la)

Now keep in mind the spies can’t control,

Where the fanfics begin or end (la, la, la)

So they’ll try to keep their sanity

Until this series ends.

SPY GIRL ROLL CALL:

Mandy:

“I’m NOT a spy!”

Alex:

“Hi, there!”

Sam:

“The smart one.”

CLOOOOOOOVER!!

“As if.”

If you’re wondering how they eat and breathe,

And other science facts (la, la, la)

Then repeat to yourself:

*It’s just a show!*

I should really just relax

For TOTALLY SPIES THEATER 3000!

(Sam, Alex and Clover: What-EVER!)

**

THE SATELLITE OF SPIES

9:45 AM

Sam mumbled something incoherent as she rolled over in her sleep, pulling her blankets over herself again. “Mmm… What a weird dream,” she mumbled to herself. “I dreamt that I was trapped on a satellite and Jerry was sending us bad fanfiction…” She slowly opened her big green eyes. She blinked a few times and rubbed her eyes, wondering why there wasn’t any sunlight. It was only then that she was surrounded by metal paneling on all sides.

“Oh no…” she said as she got out of bed. “It wasn’t a…”

Suddenly, a trapdoor opened under her feet. “Dreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeammmmm…” Sam fell through the long tunnel, trying desperately to keep her nightie from floating up over her head, before landing flat on her butt on the satellite’s bridge.

A moment later, Clover fell though a trap door and landed next to her, dressed only in a long t-shirt and her underwear.

“Man!” Clover grumbled. “Just when I thought our job couldn’t get any worse…” But she was cut off when Alex fell through a third trapdoor wearing only a set of towels, one around her body and one wrapped around her hair.

“What the hell is a trap door doing just outside the shower?!” Alex shouted as she got to her feet.

“You’re dripping,”Sam stated flatly. A light flashed on the control console.”Oh, great. I wonder what Jerry thinks is so important.” She walked over and smacked the button.

**

WOOHP 13

Jerry gave a light smirk. “Ah, good morning, ladies. How nice to see you. And I seem to be seeing even more of you this morning.”

“JERRY!!” The trio shouted.

“Only kidding,” Jerry replied.

“Jerry,” said Sam. “You can’t keep us up here. If we’re away from school our grades will drop. People will notice that we’re gone after a while, you know. “

“Oh, we’ve already taken care of that.” Jerry replied. “We had three boomers made up to look like you. So far it seems they’re getting better grades than you.”

“What about our education?” asked Alex.

“In the American education system?” Jerry replied. “Be serious.”

“Uhh…Boomers, Jerry?” Sam said with a sweatdrop. “Have you even senn an episode of ‘Bubblegum Crisis’?”

“Actually, I have,” Jerry replied. “We have a guarantee that they will absolutely probably won’t go on a killing spree and even if we do they have self-destruct features.” Jerry paused. “Although they are nuclear powered, which could be a problem.”

The girls sweatdropped.

“By the way, where’s that other girl?” Jerry asked.

“You mean Mandy?” said Alex. “Fortunately, she’s still sleeping.”

“Well, you’re fanfic this week is called ‘Sailor Trigger’ and it features the sailor senshi in the world of Chrono Trigger along with a half dozen self insertion authors.” Sam, Clover and Alex groaned. “And to keep things moving as quickly as possible there’s also a short story about some DarkStalkers character. Enjoy the show, ladies.”

Jerry pressed the button to cut the transmission.

**

THE SATELLITE OF SPIES

“At least give us a chance to get dressed, you jerk!” Clover snapped.

“Yeah,” Alex grumbled. “We’re like an exhibit to fanservice right now. A total tribute to the outfits of Misato Katsuragi.”

“I wish,” said Clover. “She has all the cool clothes.”

Suddenly, a disembodied voice spoke, “You’ll get used to it.”

“Who are you?” asked Sam.

“Me?” replied the voice. “You can call me Magic Voice.”

“You’re voice sounds familiar,” said Alex.

“Well, my voice pattern was provided by Jennifer Hale,” Magic Voice replied.

Clover rolled her eyes. “No one’s going to get that one.”

Suddenly alarms and sirens rang out.

“OHHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!” Sam cried out.

(Door 6: It’s Clover’s walk-in closet. The doors slide open and you walk through.)

(Door 5: It’s Sam’s front door. She forgot her key so Alex needs to use a hairpin to pick the lock.)

(Door 4: It’s the spies’ wardrobe. You spend twenty minutes trying to find your way to the other side.)

(Door 3: It’s a waterfall. The girls freeze it and smash through.)

(Door 2: It’s a mirror. Once you pry the girls away from checking their makeup, you move on.)

(Door 1: It’s a trap door. You fall through it.)

(Door .7: The camera pans downward to a giant ‘WHOOP’ logo. The second ‘O’ opens up and you walk through..)

Sam, Alex and Clover take their seats in the front row.

>Arright peoples, it's me, the irreplicable FlamingSmileyFace, writing again,

Clover: I think I have a good idea where the “flaming” part came from.

Alex: “Irreplicable”? Is that a real word?

Sam: Maybe it means he can’t be cloned.

>despite the fact of FF.net's uhm....issues. I've noticed there aren't many Darkstalker/Vampire Savior/Night warriors stories!

Sam: That’s because the fans are too busy playing the games.

Clover: Or fantasizing about that Morrigan chick.

Alex:<fanboy> Mmmm… She can steal my soul any day.

>Maybe 5 in total! And it doesn't even have it's own category, or does it? I haven't really looked into it..

Alex:<author>Hell, just because I write the story doesn’t mean I need to know how to post it, right?

>Well, for all those wondering, I'm in kindof a pissy mood. I don't feel well, my stomach hurts, I lack sleep, and various other mind altering ailments.

Sam: He should lay off the narcotics.

Clover: Yeah. Listen, buddy, go tell that stuff to your doctor, ‘cause we don’t really care.

>I'm sure I'll feel better soon, but why not channel the energy into a good story while it lasts neh? So now you know, and I don't want to have to make >excuses for my writings later.

Alex:<author> After all the pus and bleeding will have to stop soon, right?

Sam:<author> Maybe mixing vodka and Diet Pepsi was a bad idea.

>I decided, since I don't see much stuff about Bulleta/B.B. Hood, I'd write a story about her. Hey, -I- think she's kinda cool.

Clover: So do a lot of people, including a certain MSTer I could name.

Sam: Yeah. But she hasn’t got a lot to work with on her own.

Alex:<BB Hood>Someone hired me to off Oscar, the hell?

Sam; Must be Felicia again.

>Forwarning, this story may be psycho, freak you out, make you sick, angry or criminally insane. Pick any of the 5 and run with it.

Clover: Or all of the above, you choose.

>This is my massive disclaimer people, don't bitch to me if you don't like it, because chances are I'll erase the note, or ignore it. And if you're dissapointed >because it isn't like my other stuff...erm..everyone has different moods. And if you think I'm psycho, you're wrong, I'm just bitchy. .

Alex: Well, EXCUUUUUUUSE us!

Sam:<singing> I’m a bitch. I’m a lover.

Clover: Sam!

>I also don't own any of the Stalkers/Warriors, but if you haven't, go out, get the manga, rent or buy the anime, and buy the games already!

Sam:<author> Do it now and boost my Capcom stock!

>Insanity loves company..

Alex: The immortal words of Cletus Cassidy.

Clover: Sounds like the motto of the Republican party to me.

Sam:<Basara from “Samurai Shodown”> What a beautiful nightmare!

>As usual, it was a cold, dark, and stormy night in the demon world.

Clover: It was another cliché fanfic opening.

>Alone, on a dark street, a lone figure in a red hood, stood silently watching the houses before her. A small brown dog sat at her side, wagging it's tail.
>"Isn't it great Puppy?" said the girl, in a sickeningly sweet voice. "Everyone is at home, enjoying a nice family dinner, or sitting around the fire looking at >photo albums from their last cute vacation! All so happy and warm and cuuuute!"

Sam: In the demon world?!

Alex:<demon> And this is me attacking La Blue Girl. And here’s one of Devil Hunter Yohko chopping off my limbs.

Clover:<Yohko Mano> Damn demons keep messing up my boy chasing.

Sam:<Jedah> And here’s another shot of my giant mutant baby…

>As the girl took a step forward, a shadow covered her face, but her eyes narrowed and stood out in the darkness. She scowled, and her voice drastically >changed pitch, into a deep, angered voice, brimming with hatred.

Clover: Linda Blair?!

Sam:<BB Hood> Grrrr… This is CNN.

>"It's disgusting..."
>The dog barked happily, and wagged it's tail.

Alex:<dog> Just smile and nod and maybe she won’t shoot at me.

>The girl smiled insanely, her eyes still narrow and slitted, and she reached into the basket at her side. She laughed evilly to herself, as she pulled out a >large Uzi.

Sam: As opposed to a small uzi?

Clover:<BB Hood a la Marv Albert> Random carnage! YES!

>The dog yowled, and hid under her legs.

Alex:<dog> You stepped on my tail, bi—

Sam: Alex!

>She continued to laugh as she fired her gun blankly at a power transformer at the side of a lightpole. The dog yowled again faintly, as the street lights >gradually flickered, and went out.

Clover: I thought she was shooting blanks.

Sam: Apparently the vasectomy didn’t take.

Clover and Alex: SAM!

>"Come puppy! We must pay a visit to a house down the block! There's a nice sweet, family there, and I think the daddy is a detective! Trying to catch that >infamous serial killer!" she said again, in her sweet childish voice.

Clover: Michael Myers?

Sam: Jason Voorhees?

Alex: Freddy Krueger?

Clover:<BB Hood> I meant ME, you simps! ME!!

All: Oh.

>The dog barked in agreement, as she could be heard skipping down the block.

Clover: Must have some seriously loud shoes there.

>When they arrived at the house, the power was still out, but candles glowed brightly in the windows.

Sam: Well, they managed that fast.

Alex: What was a power transformer doing on the side of a lamp post?

Clover: I’m still wondering why the hell there are whole neighborhoods of human families in the demon world.

>The red hooded girl smiled brightly, and knocked at the light blue colored front door.

Alex: Avon calling! Time to die!

>Russeling in the house could be heard, as a female voice neared, calling "Be right there!"

Sam: Wow! They found Russell Crowe’s house!

Clover: Or maybe Kurt Russell’s.

>As the woman opened the door, she stared at the curious hooded girl.
>"Can....I help you?" She said to the young girl, whose blond hair and white apron shone in the bright moonlight.

Clover: Hey! It’s Florence Henderson!

All: MRS. BRADY!!

>"Yes!" said the girl, looking up at the woman, who appeared to be a large wolf, wearing 60's, leave it to beaver mother style clothing. "Trick or treat!"

Clover: Oh, it was “Leave It To Beaver”…

Alex: And they weren’t human. Go figure.

Sam:<Beaver> Golly gee, Wally, what big teeth you have!

>"How cute! But Halloween isn't for months!" laughed the woman. She took a step back, as the girl narrowed her eyes. Her features became distorted in >the moonlight, and her grin broadened, into a sadistic smirk.

Alex: Oh, come ON!! They saw her picture on the news! She should be running away screaming.

Clover:<wolf lady> Well, maybe it’s a different red riding hood impersonator who been killing everyone.

>"I asked you a question..." said the girl, in a much deeper voice.
>"Ex....excuse me?" said the woman, backing away from the doorway.

Alex: No, she didn’t!

Sam:<BB Hood> How do you like my James Earl Jones impression?

Clover:<wolf lady> Sounds more like Barry White to me.

Sam:<BB Hood> Close enough.

>"Trick....or treat?" said the girl again, as she reached into her basket, the dog behind her yelped, and covered it's head.
>"Wh..who are you? Are you lost?" stuttered the woman.

Sam:<BB Hood> I’m BATMAN!

Alex:<BB Hood> I’m Frank Sinatra. Who the hell are you?

Clover:<BB Hood> I am the guardian of the hell.

Sam: Clover, that’s not our joke.

Clover: Ahh… Bite me.

>"If you won't answer...." Said the girl in the red hood, as she uncovered her basket. "I'll choose for you.."
>The woman barely got in a scream, before her body was punctured by the many bullets of the girl's rifle. As blood splashed onto the once clean blue door,

Sam: Rifle? Where the hell did that come from?

Alex: BB’s been adding to her arsenal, I guess.

>the girl smiled happily to herself, and stepped inside, making sure to wipe her feet on the new "welcome mat".
>As she walked down the long hallway, the candle light flickered, and her shadow appeared behind her, looking insane as well. As the girl slowly walked to >the entrance of the living room, a booming voice could be heard from within.

Alex:<voice> WHO DARES DISTURB THE WIZARD OF OZ?!

Sam:<voice> THIS IS CNN!

Clover:<voice> BB HOOD! THIS IS YOUR LIFE!

>"Hon? Is that you? What was all that damn noise?! Was it them kid's next door playing tricks again?"
>"I guess you could say that.." said the girl, as she stepped into the candle lit room.
>"Excuse me? Just who are you now?" said the large wolf, as he rose out of his plush armchair.

Sam:<BB Hood> Same person I always was.

>"I'm just a scared little girl! Trying to find her way!" said the hooded girl, in a sad voice.
>"How did you get in here?" said the man, stepping closer.

Clover:<man> And what’s with the smoking rifle?

>"I'm lost! Seriously!" laughed the girl, waving her arm in a joking manor.

Alex: I didn’t know a house could have a sense of humor.

>"Wh...who are you?" said the manwolf, squinting at the child in the darkness.

Clover: Oh, come on! We don’t want to do that joke TWICE for one fanfic.

>"My! What big ears you have!" said the girl, in a scared child's voice.

All: Prince Charles!!

Alex: What’s Quark doing out here?

>"What?" yelled the man,

Sam:<wolf> Sorry. My hearing aid’s on the fritz, do you mind?

>"MY! What big eyes you have!" repeated the girl, mimicking the old story.
>"WHO ARE YOU?" yelled the man again, beginning to get angry at this impudant child.

Clover:<BB Hood a la Rambo> I’M YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE!!

<Sam and Alex stare at her>

Clover: Eh… Someone had to say it.

>"MY! WHAT BIG TEETH YOU HAVE!" screamed the girl, clutching her basket.
>"Where's my WIFE?" snarled the man.

Alex:<BB Hood> I *AM* your wife, stupid!

>"No, no! You're supposed to say, ALL THE BETTER TO RIP YOU APART WITH!" screamed the girl, in a low tone, as she rushed forward.

Clover:<BB Hood> Like, could you at least read the script? I mean… What-EVER!

>The man finally got a good look at the child, her short blond hair was semi-hidden by her red hood, that draped over her shoulders. Her puffy red dress >bore a white apron, as she carried a basket with a blanket over it. Her face was still masked by darkness as she rushed forward, and her eyes glowed >with sadistic pleasure.

Sam: For those of you who had no clue what she looked like before…

>"It's YOU!" yelled the man,

Alex:<wolf> Wow! Can I have your autograph?

>as he suddenly felt the pain of a dagger in his chest.

Clover:<wolf> Arghhh!! Cheap… mail-order… pacemaker…

>"Ugh....B.B. Hood........" he moaned, as he clutched the knife, in a futile attempt to stop the deep red blood spurting from the wound. He groaned again, >and fell onto his knees.

Sam:<wolf> Avenge me, John Talbain.

Alex:<wolf> I knew I shouldn’t have moved to Woodsboro… Ugh…

Clover:<wolf> Rose… bud…

>"Soooo!" laughed B.B. Hood. "You people are always so much fun to play with!", she grinned evilly again, as she jabbed another dagger into his back. He >moaned again, and fell forward onto his chest.

Sam: Too bad they break so easily.

Clover: As opposed to falling forward on his butt?

>B.B. Hood stood up, and dusted her hands off.
>"Aaah! Blood on my nice clean dress!" she shrieked in the child's voice, as she walked over to the large armchair the man had been sitting in before she >entered.

Sam: Oh, calm down. It’s already red.

>Leaning back, and putting her feet up on the dead man's back, she held her chin in her hand.
>"So much bounty..so little time..." she laughed in the deep voice, as her eyes narrowed into slits.

Alex:<BB Hood> So why am I bumping off random civilians instead of going after someone I could get paid for killing?

>The candle light still flickering, playing a dancing silhouette on her face and shadow. She replayed the final moments over in her mind, as if enjoying a >good story that she would tell as she got older. She smirked again, thinking that she hadn't even needed to use her full strength, and decided that at the >next house, she would. For fun of course. In the candle light, her shadow seemed to dance around the two bodies she had stacked in front of her, and >was now using as a foot rest.

Clover: Okay, first of all: Eew.

Sam:<BB Hood> Next stop, Camp Crystal Lake. There are still some camp counselors there. After that, Haddonfield! Halloween is coming up and I can’t let Michael Myers have all the fun.

>The little dog sighed, as it looked up at its master. She was staring at the wall, with such a look of sadistic pleasure, that he didn't want to bother her. He >sighed again, and trotted over to lay next to the burning fireplace.

Alex:<dog> As long as she feeds me, I don’t care

>Meanwhile, deep in the dark flaming pits of hell, a corpse moured silently over what he had just witnessed.
>"Aaaah! Nothin like a good show! I think I'm in love Marta!" laughed the blue zombie.

All: Eeeeewwwww…

Alex: What kind of weirdo lusts after twelve year old blonde girls?

Sam: Stephen Ratliff characters?

>BAH! THAT WAS TERRIBLE!

<All look around>

Sam: Which of us said that?

>I should have written it when I was -reaaaally- angry..it would have turned out a lot better...hmph...maybe I'll write more DS fics...this one was kinda fun! >In a weird anger management sort of way..

Alex:<author> Making the readers suffer makes me feel so warm inside.

>~FlamingSmileyFace

Clover: Yeah. I’d like to set your face on fire right about now.

Sam: Clover!

Clover: You heard what the guy said. It’s my form of anger management.

Alex: Come on. May as well take a break before the next “feature”.

**

“Gawwwwd!” Mandy whined as she finally made her way onto the bridge. “What the hell is going on around here?!” Suddenly, Clover skipped merrily in dressed in a red dress and hood with a basket on her arm, singing lightly.

“Oh my!” she cried. “What big eyes you have!”

“Clover…” Mandy grumbled, crossing her arms across her chest. “What are you doing?”

“What big ears you have!” Clover cried out, clapping her hand over her mouth.

“I do not!” Mandy shouted.

“My! What big TEETH you ha--” Clover was cut off as Sam and Alex grabbed her by the arm.

“Yeah, yeah. What-EVER, Clover…” Sam muttered.

“What was that about?” asked Mandy.

“Forget it,” said Alex.

Suddenly alarms and sirens rang out.

“OHHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!” Sam cried out.

(Door 6: It’s Clover’s walk-in closet. The doors slide open and you walk through.)

(Door 5: It’s Sam’s front door. She forgot her key so Alex needs to use a hairpin to pick the lock.)

(Door 4: It’s the spies’ wardrobe. You spend twenty minutes trying to find your way to the other side.)

(Door 3: It’s a waterfall. The girls freeze it and smash through.)

(Door 2: It’s a mirror. Once you pry the girls away from checking their makeup, you move on.)

(Door 1: It’s a trap door. You fall through it.)

(Door .7: The camera pans downward to a giant ‘WHOOP’ logo. The second ‘O’ opens up and you walk through..)

Sam, Alex and Clover take their seats in the front row.

>koban.tnk@prostar.com (Sailor Koban TNK)

Alex: E-mail courtesy Wayne Gretzsky.

>Sailor Trigger

Clover: Rally Vincent’s a senshi now?

Sam: No! It’s BB Hood again! RUN!

>Part 1-A wrong turn

Alex: Should’ve turned left at Albuquerque.

>A Sailor Moon/Chrono Trigger crossover fanfic by Sailor Koban

>TNK(Koban.tnk@prostar.com)

>With help from KnightShade(debracras@tislink.net) and

Sam: KnightShade?

Alex: Sounds like a Batman comic.

Sam: That’s graphic novel, Alex.

>Suky(odonnell@wvi.com).

>Legal notes:

Clover: The signer, hereinafter known as “do”, agrees with the subjects raised by the signee, hereinafter known as “re”.

Alex:<singing>Mi, a person who’s being sued. Fa, where I’ll have to go to flee the cops.

>Chrono Trigger, and all characters derived from it are the property of

>Square co., and are used without permission.

>Sailor moon, and all characters derived from it are the property of

>Naoko Takeuchi, and are also used without permission.

>Red Dragons, and all characters derived from it are the property of

>the author, and are used with permission.

Sam:<author> Boy, it was hard convincing myself to let me use my characters.

>Story notes:

>This story takes place on the world described in Chrono Trigger. For

>those familiar with the game, the land is similar to that shown in

>1999 AD.

Alex: Just think cities in giant pop-o-matic bubbles and you’ll be okay.

>For the senshi, this story takes place sometime between "Treed" and

>"Serena times two" in the Sailor Moon R series.

All:<dully> Chibi-Usa… Yay…

Sam: If it’s “senshi” shouldn’t he use the Japanese names?

Clover: Fangirl.

>If any characters seem to be out of character, it is entirely my fault

>for not knowing quite enough about them.

>Lita's height is estimated. If you know her actual height, please

>EMail me with it.

Sam: Sounds kinda nitpicky to me.

Clover:<fangirl> Hey! Her hair’s been described as an inch shorter than it should be!! KILL HIM!!

>----

Alex: A dash of this, a dash of that and voila!

>The year was 1999,

All: LET’S PARTY!!

>and preparations were already being made for the

>celebration that was to take place in a year: the second Millennial

>Fair. Not since the year 999 had the world seen such excitement.

Sam: A thousand years and that’s it?!

Clover: What a boring millennium it must have been.

>----

Sam: It’s a mad dash to the finish line!!

>"Damned machine! Hurry up and load!"

Clover:<BB Hood> Stupid uzi! Damn thing’s jammed again!

>In a large house in New Guardia, a strange man with a cat-like head,

>and covered with tabby fur was sitting in front of his computer

>terminal, loading a document from the world wide web.

Clover: When cloning goes horribly wrong.

Sam:<cat-man> Oscar… I will track you down. And then… you’ll DIE!!

Alex:<cat-man> Speedy Survechy… I will find you…

>His name was Koban Hiryu'son, and he was known the world over as Koban the Ninja

>Kat, one of the five members of the superhero team known as the Red

>Dragons.

Alex: Ruby has her own gang now?

Sam:<Ruby> Nall is going to kiss my paws and call me “Queen”.

>They had a small team, but that was the way they preferred

>it. Like their leader, Billy Doyle, said, "You know your team is too

>big if you can't count all of its members on 1 hand."

Alex: And as comic book hero teams go that leaves… “The Fantastic Four”.

>The team consisted of Billy, aka KnightShade; Akira Ishido, Billy's girlfriend

>and a very skilled Ninja with powerful telekinetic abilities;

Sam: What is this? X-Men?

Clover: You know, Alex, if we ruffled your hair a bit, you’d look a lot like Jubilee. And if we put a streak of white in Sam’s hair, she’d look a bit like Rogue.

Sam: And if we gave you a Starfleet uniform, you’d look like Marrissa Picard.

Clover: HEY!

Alex: That was below the belt, Sam.

>Koban; Sandra Anderson, aka SandStorm; and Erick Blackwell, or BlackJack, who

>hailed from the year 2057. Koban was looking up a document from 1000

>AD describing the events of the future.

Alex:<scratching her head> They had the net in 1000 AD?

Sam: Yeah. It would take six months to download a simple file.

Clover: Almost twice as long as today.

>What he found shocked him worse than anything he had ever experienced.

Alex:<Koban>Dear God… The Rolling Stones are going to do ANOTHER tour!

Clover: If a woman who looks like a mouse shows up, I’m leaving.

Sam:<Gadget Hackwrench> Golly, what did I do?

<Alex and Clover stare at her>

Sam: What?

>He ran to the training room, where Billy and Akira were practicing combat moves on each

>other.

Alex: CRACK!

Clover:<Billy> ARGHHHHHH! My spine!

Sam:<Akira> Oops… Heh, heh… MEDIC!

>"Hey, guys!" Koban yelled as he entered the room. "You have to see

>this!"

Alex:<Koban> It’s Windows™ 95! And it’s actually WORKING!

Clover: Pshh… Yeah, right.

>Five minutes later, everyone was looking at the computer screen as

>Koban pulled up the document.

Alex:<Billy> Woo-hoo! Free porn!

Sam: Alex…

>"You see, in this document from 1000 AD, someone named Crono says that

>sometime this year, a being named Lavos is going to emerge from the

>earth and destroy everything.

Clover: That’ll kinda put a crimp on the festival, won’t it?

Sam: Little did Koban know that he was actually reading an out of copyright novel.

Alex:<Koban> And according to this Dickens guy there are three Christmas spirits who haunt evil old rich guys.

>And another document written in 600 AD

>by a person named Glenn says so too. And in 12,000 BC, a man named

>Magus wrote the exact same thing, saying that he almost caused Lavos

>to reappear in 600 AD.

Clover: Nice to know they all kept handy online diaries.

>And in 12,000 BC, the mysterious Queen Zeal

>tried to reawaken Lavos. Now, all of these documents say that Lavos

>crashed into earth in 65 Million BC, but, since there are no written

>records from that period, that can't be substantiated.

Alex: But, apparently, every single note from 12000 BC is still floating around.

Clover: And on the internet too. Go figure.

>However, pieces of rock from that era have depictions of a strange comet-creature

>crashing into the earth. They also have pictures that appear to be

>portraits of the people who wrote the other documents coming to try

>and stop it."

Sam: Yadda, yadda, yadda. Ladies and gentlemen, Koban the Exposition Cat.

>----

Clover: And now we cut away from this lame exposition for some words from our sponsors…

>The Senshi felt separated from their bodies, as if their minds were

>being drawn to another place, another time.

Sam: …another lame crossover.

Alex:<Usagi> Whoaaaaaaahhh… I shouldn’t have had that funny tea from Cephiro…

Sam: Alex… That’s not our joke.

>It felt like their energy was being drained... and returned.

Clover: Oh good. They’ll get their deposit back.

>One moment ago, they had been watching the Doom Tree flying away through space, carrying Ann and

>Alan to who knew where,

Sam: …who knew when.

Alex:<dramtic> Indiana Moon and the Tree of DOOM!

Clover: When Dr. Doom dabbles in botany.

>and the next, they were lying on the ground in

>front of what appeared to be a large plastic dome. Lita stood up, and

>after looking around, said,

Clover:<Lita> Oh, sh—

Sam: Clover!

Alex:<Lita> For the last time! I’m NOT Miyuki-Chan! Now knock it off!

Clover:<Lita a la Dorothy> I don’t think we’re in Tokyo anymore, Luna.

>"Where the hell are we?"

Sam: You’re the hell here.

>Ami looked at a sign near the dome and said, "I'm not sure, but I

>think this sign says 'New Guardia'"

Clover:<Ami> It would help if I weren’t illiterate.

Alex:<singing> Sign, sign, everywhere a sign.

>"I think we should go in," said Rei, brushing the dirt out of her

>Kimono.

Sam: Kimono? The hell…?

Alex:<shrugs>At least she’s dressed for the festival.

>Rei paused. "Wait a minute... what are we doing in our regular

>clothes?"

Alex: Kimonos aren’t REGULAR clothes!

Clover: Puh-leease, Alex. The author just doesn’t know that Rei’s priestess garb is known as a “hakama”.

Sam: Wow! I’m impressed, Clover.

Clover: I know my fashions, babe.

>"What happened?" Serena asked as she stood up, spitting dirt and grass

>out of her mouth. She had landed face down.

Alex:<Serena>Blech! Worm!

Clover: Well, no harm done then.

>"I think we took a wrong turn from where the Doom Tree was and landed

>here," said Mina, who was rubbing the sore spot on her butt where she

>had landed.

Alex: Hence, the chapter title.

Clover:<Mina> Great. A huge bruise on my butt and I’ve got a bikini shoot tomorrow.

>"Why am I always the last one to catch on?" Serena started to whine.

Sam: Cause you’re rock stupid, honey.

Alex: Sam, be nice.

>"Be quiet, Serena," said Rei. "Let's go in there and find out where we

>are."

Clover:<Rei> And if they don’t want to tell us, I have *ways* of making them talk.

>"Great, but how do we get in?" Said Lita, noticing that the plastic

>dome had no apparent breaks.

Alex: Meaning that the citizens had died long ago when the air ran out.

>Ami pulled out her pocket computer and tapped some of the keys, and a

>door opened in the dome.

Sam:<Ami> I knew watching “Hackers” would pay off.

Alex:<Ami> The hell…? I was just playing solitaire.

>Cautiously, the five Senshi entered the dome.

Clover:<loudspeaker> Welcome to THUNDERDOME!

<Sam and Alex stare at her>

Clover: What?

>They were surprised to see that, despite the apparently high level of

>technology, the people were wearing clothing that looked like it came

>from pre-renaissance Europe. Some of the people were giving them

>strange looks.

Clover: Well, at least we know what kind of festival it is.

Alex:<random person> Funny. There’s something vaguely fetishistic about those outfits.

Sam: Alex…

>It wasn't surprising, considering the way they were all dressed in

>their sailor fukus, except for Rei, who was wearing her temple kimono.

Alex: Cause it wouldn’t be Rei if she wasn’t doing her priestess thang.

>Thier haircuts were strange, also: Serena, with her long, blond

>meatball-styled pigtails; Ami, with her short, light-blue hair; Lita,

>with her brown ponytail; Rei, with her waist-length,

>black-with-purple-highlights straight hair; and Mina, with her light

>blond hair, which was cut similar to Serena's, except it was worn

>down.

Sam: Hairstyles by Naoko of Tokyo.

Alex: And we all know Akira Toriyama has never drawn a character with a weird hairstyle.

>"I don't like the way they are looking at us," said Mina.

Sam:<Mina a la Fraiser Crane> Would you STOP STARING AT ME?!

>"Hey, there's a tailor's shop right over there," said Lita. "Let's get

>something a little more like what everyone else is wearing."

Clover: They wouldn’t be the senshi unless they all looked alike.

Sam: Sad, but true.

>The senshi walked into the tailor shop and started looking around,

>trying outfits on, and comparing different styles.

>The tailor looked at Mina and said, "Say, where are you young ladies

>from?"

Alex:<tailor> Hi! My name’s Madison.

Sam: Cute, Alex.

Clover:<shrugs> Beats “Tim”, I guess.

>"Um," Mina said while deciding whether or not the truth would be taken

>well, "Tokyo."

Clover:<tailor> Tokyo?! EVIIIIILLLL!!!

Sam:<tailor> Me? I’m from Panama.

>"Tokyo, eh? I'll bet that it's a beautiful place."

Clover: The tailor’s Canadian?

Alex: Watch the Canadian jokes, Clover. You’ll anger you-know-who.

>Mina froze in here tracks. "How do you know?"

>"Well, if the people that live there are any indication..."

Sam: Yeah. Real smooth.

Alex:<tailor> I should call heaven, ‘cause there’s some angels missing.

>The senshi had each picked out a few outfits and took them up to the

>Tailor.

>"We'll take these," Said Lita, suprising the tailor with her imposing,

>5'8" prescence.

Sam: He didn’t notice that before?

Alex:<tailor> Why, she’s not as short as most girls! Amazing!

Clover: God help the poor sap if Hakura or Setsuna was here.

Sam: Actually, in this fic that would be Amara and Trista.

Clover: Tell it to someone who cares, Sam.

>"Let me take your measurements," Said the tailor.

Clover: Oh… Don’t fall for that one, girls.

Alex:<tailor>Oops… My hand slipped… Guess I need to measure your bust again.

>Instead of getting a tape measure, the tailor just pressed a button on his belt, and a

>laser beam moved across the room,

Alex: Auric Goldfinger *IS* the tailor!

Sam:<Raye> Do you expect us to talk, Goldfinger?

Clover:<tailor> No, Miss Senshi, I expect you to DIE!

>taking the senshi's measurements

>instantly and printing them out on a piece of paper on his sewing

>desk.

Clover: And it does that how?

Sam: Search me.

>"Okay, I'll have these outfits ready in half an hour. This style

>of outfit is very popular. Now that the Millennium Fair is coming up,

>people are getting into styles like what they wore during the last

>Fair."

Sam: When the retro trend goes too far.

Clover: And I thought throwbacks to the 70’s were lame.

>"Okay. Do you know of any places we might enjoy going to?"

Alex:<tailor>How about my place, baby? I got cable.

Sam: Alex…

>"Well, the Coronation ceremony for the new queen is going to be held

>in about an hour. You know, now that I think about it, the new queen's

>name is nearly the same as the name of the queen from 1400 years ago.

Clover:<Serena> And that name would be…?

Alex: She’s the Queen formerly known as Queen.

>What was the old Queen's name... Oh, yes, Leene. The new Queen's name

>is Renee.

Alex: Chibi-Usa?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Sam: That’s not the same name, you dimwit.

>You know, 1000 AD was an interesting year for another

>reason, other than the Fair."

>"Oh? Why?"

Clover: I know this is going to sound stupid, but which of the senshi is talking?

Alex: Sailor Anonymous, I guess.

>"Because 3 of the greatest heroes the world has ever known came into

>the spotlight. Crono, Marle, and Lucca were their names. You can see a

>statue of them in the middle of town.

Sam: The other characters were just puny extras.

Clover: There’s a 1000 year old statue just sitting around?

Alex: And we have more blatant plot exposition! Yay!

Sam: The exposition tailor, third cousin of Detective Plotpoint in “The Hellcats”.

>Who shall I say this order is

>for?"

Clover: Just send the bill to Mandy. If she can’t pay up, take her car.

Sam: Clover…

>"Serena."

>"Okay. I'll send for you as soon as these outfits are done."

Alex:<tailor> In the meantime, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY SHOP!!

>----

Sam: Welcome to “Whose Line Is It Anyway?”…

>With a flash of light, the Epoch appeared from out of the stream of

>time and landed with a dull crunch on the ground.

Sam: Whew! I thought for a second that it was Q again.

Clover: That’s pretty pathetic, Sam.

Alex:<Q> Now, pay attention, 007.

Sam: Wrong Q, Alex.

>Magus jumped out,

>expecting Lavos to be there. The other 6 people in the Epoch also

>jumped out.

Alex:<Magus a la Michael Buffer> Let’s get ready to RUM--- Huh?

>"What the hell?" said Magus. "Did we get the year wrong?"

>"No," Said Lucca, checking the Time Gauge on the Epoch's control

>panel. It says right here "April 1, 1999."

Sam: Whoops! Gotcha, kiddies!

All: APRIL FOOLS!!

Clover:<Marle>So, the entire apocalypse was an elaborate prank?! This isn’t our day.

>"*April* 1999?" Asked Marle. "I thought Lavos appeared in the middle

>of July."

Clover: So, that statue they built is for something they haven’t done yet.

Sam: I guess they just really wanted to build a statue and needed an excuse.

>Lucca wiped the lenses of her glasses and checked again. "No, it's

>right. Hey Robo!" The golden Robot from the Year 2300 AD lumbered over

>to the Epoch.

Alex: Crow’s been putting on weight, I see.

Sam: Zing!

>"Check to see if the Epoch's time gauge is damaged."

>Robo hooked up his arm to the Epoch's service panel. After a minutes

>of whirrs, clicks and beeps, Robo disconnected from the Epoch.

Alex:<Robo> System Error: Abort, Retry, Fail?

>"Time gauge fully functional. Heavy damage to other areas of system:

>Time control damaged beyond capabilities of auto-repair system. Aerial

>travel still possible, but only for no more than ten minutes at a

>time."

Clover: Well, *that’s* helpful.

Sam: Uhhh… I don’t suppose the author is going to tell us how the Epoch was damaged.

Alex: They got sideswiped by another time machine?

>"So we're stuck here," said Crono. This surprised everyone, since

>Crono hardly ever talked. In fact, people often thought he was mute.

Alex: Actually, it was just that everyone else just wouldn’t shut up for three seconds.

>"Alya help." said Alya. "Crono friend." If anything, the Cro-Magnon

>woman was comforting during a crisis.

All: NOT!!

Clover: Funny. I thought she was comic relief.

Alex: Actually, Alya was a comfort, Ayla on the other hand…

>"Methinks we should go to the nearest town and acquire some lodgings

>until the machine hath been fixed," Croaked Glenn, or Frog as he

>preferred to be known.

Sam: Assuming they have time machine parts just laying around.

Clover: Apparently, the name “Glenn” just didn’t draw enough wedgies.

>His style of talking was quaint, even for a man

>from 600 AD.

Clover: “Quaint” being a nice way of saying “lame”.

>He cracked his green knuckles and prepared to get back

>into the Epoch when Marle said:

Sam:<Marle> THAT’S IT!! GET ME THE HELL OUTTA THIS FANFIC!!

>"Wait a second!" Everyone turned toward her. "Can't we use the Gate

>Key to try again?"

>Lucca took the gate key out of her pocket and frowned. "I think that

>it was damaged during the landing. It's broken in half."

Alex: Can you say “plot device”?

Sam: Even if it wasn’t broken, wouldn’t they need a gate nearby?

>"So, we really *are* stuck here."

>"That's how it looks."

>"Let's go to New Guardia, then."

Clover: The hell?!

Sam:<speaker> We better watch out for snakes, too.

>"Right," said Magus.

>The group got back into the Epoch and flew towards New Guardia.

Alex: SHOOOOOooooooooo… KA-BOOM!

Sam: They must’ve forgot about that “ten minutes of flight” thing.

>After landing and disembarking, Robo knelt down where the senshi

>landed and paused, apparently scanning the ground for something.

Clover:<Robo> I think I found some loose change.

>"What are you looking for, Robo?" said Marle, bending down to her

>robot friend's side.

>"Scanners have detected strange emanations originating from this

>space."

Alex:<Marle>(sniff, sniff) Smells like pubescent levels of estrogen to me.

Sam: Hell, in that case he could be sensing us.

>"Do you know what it might be?"

>"Most likely source: NegaVerse energy."

>"NegaVerse energy?"

Clover:<Marle> Yeah… Whatever you say, guy.

>"Yes. During our time in the kingdom of Zeal, I studied much of the

>literature in the libraries. Some books, particularly "the book of

>Nu," mentioned a negative universe, or NegaVerse. Apparently, it was a

>gateway between dimensions. Some of the residents of the NegaVerse,

>however, became evil and began draining life energy from the resident

>beings. One dimension in particular had a planet called Earth, which

>was the most common subject of the energy raids. It would appear that

>humans from Earth were sent here through the NegaVerse for purposes

>unknown. We might be able to meet with them and learn what they are

>doing here."

Sam: Uh… Robo has a little too much free time on his hands.

Alex: Sadly, he too was just reading an out of copyright novel.

Clover: And I thought Koban was Mr. Exposition.

>After the senshi left the tailor shop, they decided to look at the

>statue of Crono, Lucca, and Marle. They were amazed by the time and

>effort put into the statue, and the portrayal of the heroes.

Sam:<Serena> Wow! They look just like “Dragonball” characters!

>"Wow!" said Rei. "Crono looks awesome! He looks so cool!"

Alex:<Rei> He looks like Cloud, or that guy from “Secret Of Mana”…

Clover: Or a billion other RPG heroes.

>"Yeah," said Lita. "He reminds me of my old boyfriend."

Clover:<Lita>…if he got whacked in the face with a frying pan.

>"Excuse me," said a strange voice behind them, "But would you ladies

>like a free sample of Nu Juice?"

Sam:<voice> It has vitamins, minerals and tastes better than Sunny D!

Clover: So does battery acid.

>The senshi turned around, and saw a strange, turquoise, spherical

>creature with tiny eyes and a flat, Pac-man-like mouth. The creature

>held up a tray filled with small paper cups filled with a blue

>juice-like liquid.

Alex: Blue creature, blue juice… This does not look good.

>"Oh, sure," said Serena, taking a cup of the odd-looking blue liquid.

>Cautiously, she took a sip, and asked the creature what was in the

>juice.

Clover:<Serena> What’s that bitter almond taste?

Sam:<creature>Just some arsenic, a touch of bleach… Oh, the bitter almonds? That’s cyanide.

>The Nu rattled off a list of fruits, most of which couldn't be

>recognized, but she did notice grapes, plums, and oranges.

>The other senshi took a cup and noticed that it tasted like the fruit

>equivalent of a V-8.

Alex: So… V-8 Splash.

Sam: Yeah. It’s a little thing called “fruit punch”.

>"If you would like more," said the Nu, "You can buy 32-ounce bottles

>of Nu Juice for 1 GP at the Nu Star grocery store over to the left of

>the statue."

Sam:<Lita> Screw this. Where’s the liquor store?

>"GP?" asked Ami.

>"Gold Pieces."

Clover: Clever.

>Ami turned toward the other senshi and said, "I think we had better go

>to a bank and see if we can convert our Yen to Gold Pieces."

Sam: Boy, this is thrilling.

Alex: Yeah. Where’s the plot already?

>The senshi walked to the nearest bank, and were given 2 GP to the Yen.

>"Let's see... that gives us a grand total of 10,300 GP," said Lita.

Sam: Woah! Good exchange rate.

>"And," said Rei, looking at Serena, "since we don't want to lose any

>of it, *I'd* better hold onto it."

Sam:<Mina> You don’t have any pockets, dumbass.

Clover:<Rei> Because Lord knows *I* never screw up.

>Everyone agreed. Serena seemed to be embarrassed by the accusation

>that she was irresponsible with money.

Alex:<Serena>Geez… You blow ten thousand yen at the track once and they hold it over your head forever.

>They were about to go into the Nu Star to get something to eat when a

>voice over a PA system said, "Serena, your clothing is ready."

Sam:<PA> The “Hello, Kitty” print underwear you ordered will be another ten minutes.

Alex:<PA> And your bondage fairy costume will be another twenty.

Sam and Clover: ALEX!

Alex: What?!

>The senshi walked into the tailor's shop and picked up the outfits,

>paying 75 GP.

Sam: Wow. That’s pretty good considering that forty yen probably wouldn’t get you a phone call in Japan.

Clover: Yeah. But that look is *SO* three years ago.

>Then, they went into a small Caf_ and ordered lunch.

Sam:<author> Okay. Who stole my “e”?

Alex: They ordered it for lunch.

Clover: Oooh… Roasted “e” with fava beans and a nice Chianti.

>"That's really interesting," said Rei, "They have exactly the same

>food here as they do back home, right down to the Squid-on-a-Stick!"

All: Eeeeewwwww…

Clover: I think… I’m gonna hurl…

>"Yeah," said Lita, "that is weird."

Sam:<Lita>Especially since there are no seas or oceans around here.

>Ami was looking at the receipt for the clothing and noticed something.

>"Hey, guys, look at the date on this receipt. It says the first of

>April, 1999!"

Alex: Alan and Ann decided to play one last prank before they left.

Clover:<Ann> Ha, ha, ha! And they’ll never get home again! It’s FUNNY!

>"That's strange," said Serena, "so we've jumped forward six years!"

Sam: And we’ve jumped back.

Alex: Well, it’s just a jump to the left.

Sam: Or is it a jump to the right?

Sam and Alex:<singing> Let’s do the time warp thiiiiiiing!

Clover: Okay, I don’t know you anymore.

>"Yeah," Lita whispered, "but this obviously isn't Earth, because the

>cities aren't as close together."

Alex:<Lita> …or in giant plastic bubbles.

>"Or rather, not unbroken," said Rei.

<All stare blankly>

Sam: Wha…?

Clover: And she says Serena is ditzy?

>"You gonna have some more Squid-on-a-Stick, Serena?"

>"Yeah. I'm really hungry..."

Clover: You’d have to be to eat… THAT!

Alex: New Calamari-sicles!

Sam: Urk… Alex!

>----

Alex: Oh, it’s that line the tailor used.

Clover: Then kill it now.

>Everybody in New Guardia looked at the seven with a slightly cock-eyed

>glance,

Sam: The magnificent seven? Great just what we need. ANOTHER crossover.

Alex: The seven seishi of Sailor Trigger.

Clover: Where are Miaka and Tamahome when you need them?

>especially Crono, Marle, and Lucca. Some of the people ran

>over to Crono to get a closer look, then they looked at the statue,

>than back at Crono.

Clover: Then back to the statue, then Crono, then the statue again…

Sam: When double takes go too far.

>"Great... Our cover's busted," said Marle.

Sam:<Marle> Uh… We just came from a cosplay convention.

Clover: So, no one else would ever dress like the “legendary heroes”?

Alex: Just ‘cause their heroes doesn’t mean they have a fashion sense.

Clover: True.

>----

Sam: Hmm… Tear along the dotted line to release plot.

>Serena paused with her squid-on-a-stick halfway to her mouth when she

>noticed the commotion outside.

All: GAHHH!!

Clover: Now I know I’m gonna be sick.

<Clover starts searching for an air-sick bag>

>"What are all of those people doing over there?" She asked.

>"Like I know," Rei replied.

Clover: Yeah, really. Expecting Rei to have a clue. I mean, duh!

Alex: I *like* Rei.

Sam: I don’t know, Alex. I think she should be taken down a peg or two in this fic.

>The senshi decided to check out what was going on.

>"Hey, it's that guy from the statue-- EEEEK! A FROG!!!" screamed Mina.

Alex:<Mina> Icky! It’s got cooties! Get it away! Away!

>The townsfolk knew quite well who they were, because most of them had

>read of them.

Sam: …in out of copyright novels.

Clover: But they haven’t even saved the world yet! HOW THE FRICKIN’ HELL CAN THEY BE FAMOUS?!

Alex: Just smile and nod, Clover.

>The scouts, who obviously had not, ducked quickly behind a wall.

>"It... It's Alan! And he's got a cardian!" Shouted Serena.

Alex: Oooh… I LOVE those sweaters.

Clover: That’s “cardigan”, Alex.

>The senshi transformed, expecting that the "Cardian" would attack the

>people.

Sam: Hang on a sec… Didn’t Alan and Ann LEAVE just before the senshi were teleported?

Clover: What do you expect? Logic?

>Five transformations later...

Alex:<Gary Shandling> Okay, five transformations just past…

>"Hey! Green guy!" Sailor Moon shouted.

>"Doth thou mean me?" Frog croaked.

Alex:<Frog> Urrk… <THUMP!>

Sam: Frog has died. Quit or Retry?

>"Do you see anything else with green skin?" Magus replied.

>"You have violated this peaceful city!" Sailor Moon yelled bravely.

>"How dare you!"

Clover: Actually, they haven’t actually done anything yet.

Sam: The moral of the story: If someone seems strange, kill them and don’t take any chances.

>"Huh?" Marle said.

>"I am Sailor Moon, and I stand for love, and justice, and I will

>punish you!"

Alex:<Sailor Moon> It’s time for your spanking!

Sam and Clover: ALEX!!

>"Yeah, right!" Magus shot back. "Dark Bomb!"

Sam:<Magus> Now surrender or I’ll shout some more!

>The scouts were covered in a field similar to the one Malachite had

>put them in so long ago

>"ARRGH!!" Shouted Lita. "Maybe... He's... A NegaVerse... General..."

Clover:<Lita> Why… am… I… talking… like… Shatner…

>"NegaVerse?" asked Marle. "Did you come through the NegaVerse?"

Alex:<Serena> No, we came via Air Japan, you knob.

>"Hey!" said a voice from behind them. Everybody turned toward the

>alley. Out of the shadows appeared Koban, followed by the rest of the

>Red Dragons.

Sam:<dramatic>Enter the cat!

Clover: Okay. We’ve all had our little moment of drama. Can we please move the story along now?

>"Oh, great..." said KnightShade. "A fight."

>"Please, kind people," Frog croaked, "This is but a misunderstanding!"

Clover:<Frog> Officer, I can explain that empty bottle of Jack Daniel’s and the inflatable dolls!

>"What are you guys doing here?" asked Koban.

>"Hey... That's Magus! And Crono, and Glenn! And Marle... All of them!"

>KnightShade stared.

Alex:<KnightShade> All in one place… ATTACK!!

>"What I want to know is what these girls are doing here!"

Sam: Clobbering Crono, what else?

Clover: Hopefully, Koban will be next.

>The Dark Bomb wore off and Sailor Jupiter attacked. "Jupiter...

>Thunder... Dragon!" Lightning struck the sphere on Jupiter's tiara,

>and shot out, forming a dragon. The dragon roared and went straight

>for Magus.

Alex:<Magus> Oh, sh--BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTT!!!

Sam:<James Bond> Shocking.

>Koban clasped his hands like a man praying, and shouted "Sacred...

>Ninja... Power!"

Sam:<Koban> …MAKE-UP!

Clover:<Koban> Plot contrivance… Activate!

Alex:<Koban> Ryu Hyubasa, eat your heart out!

>Magus bounded over the dragon and started going in for the kill with

>his scythe when...

Sam: …he realized that it had been stolen by Lionel Dark four weeks ago when she kicked his ass.

>A dark wave of energy trapped the senshi and the time travelers,

>paralyzing them.

>"Good work, Koban!" Said KnightShade.

Clover: Uh-huh… A dozen characters stopped dead by the great powers of Koban.

Alex:<Koban> Self-Insert Power… Paralyze!

>Koban approached the frozen heroes and said, "okay, let's talk!"

>"What the hell is going on?" said KnightShade.

Sam: Nothing. That’s what.

Clover: KnightShade is as baffled as we are.

>Serena said, "We thought that that frog over there was a Cardian

>and..."

>"We hath come to slayeth Lavos," Croaked Frog.

>"Uh oh..." said KnightShade.

Clover:<KnightShade> I forgot to turn off the oven back at the base.

>Koban snapped his fingers, and all of the trapped people fell to the

>ground. "I think we should go home and have a friendly little chat."

Sam: Koban sets mode to +1

Clover: Yeah, yeah… Whatever, Sam.

>"Yeah... Or else."

Alex: Or else what, hot shot?

>"I don't feel special anymore," said Serena.

Clover:<Serena> Clearly, these people are far more “special” than I am.

>"I know when I'm beat," grumbled Lita.

>"Too many people have super powers!" cried Serena. "WAAHH! I WANNA BE

>THE ONLY ONE WITH POWERS!"

Sam: Are you kidding? With all the anime out there it’s the *normal* people who are the minority.

>Rei slapped Serena, and Magus kicked her.

Clover: Oh, lovely.

Alex: Serena will now be played by Anthy Himemiya.

Sam:<Rei> Hey! The only one who hits Serena is me! DIE!!!

Clover:<Magus> NOOOO!! NOT THE FIRE THING!! ARGHHHH!!<FWOOOM!!>

>"Enough with the violence," said Koban, "Just pick up your stuff and

>follow us.

Sam:<Koban, singing> You must follow me, follow me wherever I may go.

>A short time later...

Alex:<Gary Shandling> Okay, a short time has just passed…

>Koban stood up and looked everyone at the table square in the face and

>said, "Okay, first things first... Would any of you like some tea?"

Sam: Don’t say it.

Clover: But…

Sam: It’s not our joke, Clover.

>KnightShade said, "Yeah! Tea!"

Clover: He’s asking for it!!

Alex:<KnightShade> Whoo-hoo! Fresh tea from the Misaki household!

<Pause>

Clover: Damn. Why didn’t I think of that?

>"Would kill for some," Mina said.

Sam:<Mina> I’ll demonstrate on Koban.

Alex: Please do.

>"FOOD!" Serena said. "Uh... Drink! Gimme!"

Clover: No, no, no. You’re Serena, not Ayla.

>"Hold it down, meatballs," said Koban, "you don't want to spill on

>yourself."

>Serena gulped the tea down, and blacked out. Magus had a cup and

>seemed unfazed. He did sigh, though, as all of the Senshi passed out.

<All stare blankly>

Sam: Dear God! It IS that tea!!

>"AHH!" He said. "What fine tea!"

>"I've got to learn to put less chamomile in," Koban said.

Clover:<Koban> And maybe I should cut back on the sake too.

Sam: Geez… He barely knows them and he’s already slipping them mickeys.

>Seconds later, the scouts reawakened.

>"Sorry about the tea, ladies."

Sam:<Koban> I hope that brain damage isn’t permanent.

>Crono and crew explained their reasons for coming there...

Sam:<Marle> Uhh… Why do we have to justify ourselves to these dorks?

Clover:<Lucca> I was wondering that myself.

>"Okay," said KnightShade, "so you've come to kill Lavos, who'll be

>cropping up in a couple of months... Hmm... Now you, ladies."

>The scouts explained about their poor choice of paths.

Alex:<Lita> I told them not to go down the rabbit hole.

Sam:<Mina> Like your idea of following the yellow brick road was better.

>"Well, we were in the NegaVerse," said Serena, "and we kinda took a

>wrong turn while trying to get back home."

Clover:<Serena> Of course, we wouldn’t have this problem if Rei had actually stopped and asked for directions like we told her to.

Sam:<Rei> SILENCE!! HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY JUDGEMENT!!

>"So you say this Alan character looks like Magus?" Inquired Koban.

>"Yep," said Rei. "Pale skin... Light blue hair... Odd clothes...

>Pointy ears..."

Alex:<Rei> …ugly as hell…

>"Was he really quiet?" Asked Marle.

>"No..."

Clover:<Rei> He wouldn’t shut up. Now he sleeps with the fishes.

>"I'm really quiet?" asked Magus. "Well, if you would speak to me every

>once in a while..."

Sam:<Marle> Actually, we like you better when you *don’t* speak, Magus.

>Marle decided to ask something different. "Did he have a somewhat grim

>attitude?"

>“Not really..." Rei said. "He kinda liked Serena."

Alex: Sounds grim to me.

>Magus looked at Serena and said, "I don't see anything special about

>her. She looks like she has big meatballs on her head."

Clover: This coming from Mr. Cheesy-Goth-Look.

>Marle said, "Did Alan have a sister?"

>"Um..." Rei responded, "Yeah. I think. Not sure though. Ann was...

>Uh... Well, he *said* she was her sister, but they treated each other

>as if they were in love or something."

All: Eeeeeewwwww…

Alex: Incest! Try it today!

Sam: Alex! NO!

>"Yeah," Serena said, "Ann would always get jealous when me and Alan

>got close."

>"That sounds kinda like Alfador," Lucca said.

>"Who?" The senshi all asked.

>"Magus' cat."

Sam: Oh, for…

Clover: Now we’re getting the back story for the frickin’ PETS?! WHERE DOES IT END?!!

Alex: Whoa! Easy, Clover.

>"The story of Queen Beryl reminds me of when we saved Queen Lenee from

>Yakra," Frog interjected. "Except it was the King's Chancellor who was

>the evil creature."

Sam: I thought it was Queen Leene.

Clover:<Frog> Oops… Wrong Queen.

>"Umm..." Mina said. "Mr..... Um..."

>Frog said, "Frog will do."

>"Mr. Frog, why... uh... Are you a frog?"

Clover:<Frog> Well, this princess kissed me and something went wrong.

>"Ask the cloaked one..."

>Magus explained, "Me and Frog here, we... Had an argument, and I

>turned him into a frog.

Alex:<Magus>It wasn’t a big deal. I just killed his lifelong friend and he gets pissy about it. Can you believe it?

>Ami walked over to where Robo was standing, and stared for a while.

>"May I help you?" Robo said.

>"It talks! Amazing!" Ami said.

Alex: Oh, please…

Sam: God help her if she ever saw a Persocon.

>"But of course."

>"What is your name, robot?"

Sam:<Chii> Chii?

Alex:<Ami> What’s your name?

Sam:<Chii> Chii…? Chii!

>"R66-Y. Or Robo. Or Prometheus."

Clover:<Robo>…or Jim or Bob or Ray or Jay…

>"Well, Robo, would you mind, er could I, um..."

>"Anything, mistress."

Alex: Whoa! Hello!

Clover:<Ami> Nothing like THAT, hentai!

>"Can I have a look inside?"

Sam: Does Robo have Intel Inside?

>"..............................." a large sweat drop appeared on

>Robo's head, which was very unusual, as robots do not sweat.

Alex: I like this story! It has the kind of humor that makes you want to poke your eyes out!

>"That is not something I enjoy, but go ahead."

>"You mess him up and you DIE," Lucca said.

Sam:<Lucca> You DIE, Joe!

>"I'll only take a minute, and I'll be careful," Ami said, opening up

>Robo's head and looking at the jumble of wires. "Is this supposed to

>be in there?" She said, pulling out a small insect."

Clover: Actually, it is.

Sam:<insect> Heeeeeelp meeeeeee…

>"No wonder he hasn't been so good in combat lately," Magus said.

>"It appears Robo has literally got a bug!" Ami said, laughing to

>herself.

Alex:<laughing crazily> A BUG!! It’s FUNNY!! Ah ha ha HA HA HA HA!!

<Sam and Clover sweatdrop>

Clover: I think Alex has finally lost it.

>Frog stuck out his tongue, nabbed the bug, and ate it. "That is what

>Thou geteth for messing with Robo's brain!"

Clover: Okay, EEW!

Sam: “Messing”?

Clover:<Frog> Thou shalt not screw with mine posse, word.

>Ami closed Robo's head and went back to her seat.

>KnightShade sat, contemplating the immanent danger the world was in.

Sam: Especially when these dopes are supposed to save it.

<Alex is still laughing madly. Clover grabs a convenient bucket of water from under her seat and splashes her with it.>

Alex:<wiping water from her face> Pfft!! Thanks. I needed that.

Clover: Anytime.

>Akira was holding his hand, wishing that he would take that stupid

>iron glove once in a while. Sandra was sitting there with a sad

>expression on her face.

>"What is troubling thee, milady?" Frog asked.

Sam:<Akira>I trashed my motorcycle the other day.

Clover: Wrong Akira.

Alex:<Akira> Dragonball sales are down again.

Clover: Still not it.

Sam:<Akira>I just realized I’m trapped in a lame fanfic.

Clover: Bingo!

>"Nothing," Sandra said. "I just had a mental parasite that made gave

>me a severe case of depression. The parasite is gone, but the effects

>are still there, but not as bad."

>"............Parasite?" Magus asked.

>"Yes. My parents had it, too, and it killed them."

Sam: Aya Brea warned them to stay away from Melissa Pearce, but did they listen? Noooooo…

>"......"

>"But, fortunately, Akira was able to find and destroy it before I fell

>prey to it."

Alex:<Sandra>Yeah. Now I’m here… That’s so much better. Really.

>"Are you saying that Akira is psychic?" Rei asked.

>“Yes," Akira replied. "Not only am I a psychic/telekinetic, I'm also

>the best Ninja in the world apart from Koban."

Sam: Carrie White crossed with Jean Grey crossed with Psylocke.

Clover: Best ninja, huh? Puh-lease.

>"How did you turn into a cat, Koban?"

Alex:<Koban> A Jusenkyo curse gone horribly wrong.

Clover:<Koban> Well, when I was a kid I always wanted to be a Samurai Pizza Cat.

Sam:<Koban> Someone spilled Chemical X on me.

>"I'm the direct result of a failed experiment in genetic engineering,"

>Koban explained. "Four years ago, a group of genetic engineers were

>trying to create the ultimate Ninja. So they took a sample of the DNA

>of the greatest Ninja master in the world, and that of his best

>student. They combined it to see if they could create a better Ninja.

Sam: But, since ninja skills aren’t a genetic trait, they failed miserably.

Clover: Bookworm.

>But there was a mistake made. The student's cat left a hair in the

>DNA, and, when the DNA was put into the recombiner and artificially

>aged, they ended up with me: the ultimate Ninja... cat.

All: D’oh!

Clover:<Koban> I’ll tell you, Ritsuko was sure pissed with that poor sap.

>As a by-product of the genetic tomfoolery, I ended up with the ability to

>shoot fire out of my hands."

Sam: Uh-huh…

Alex: Looks like Ryu donated some DNA too.

Clover: Well, he already has a bunch of clones.

>"So, you're a mutant?" Ami asked.

>"Yes."

>"What's Erick's story?" Rei asked.

Alex: They took that well.

Sam:<Rei> Ho-hum. Genetic freak. Let’s move on.

>"I come from the future." Erick said

>"Big deal," Magus interjected. "We come from the past."

>"Not I," Robo said.

>"I come from the year 2300, to be exact." Erick said.

>"That is my time period also."

Clover: ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Sam: Clover?

Clover: DO WE *HAVE* TO RE-HASH EVERY SINGLE POINT FROM THE DAMN GAME?!

>"My parents were killed by mutants while trying to get food.

Alex:<Erick>Now that I think about it… DIE, KOBAN!!!

>While trying to find them, I stumbled upon a strange door. I used my

>expertise in explosives to blow open the door, and found a strange

>hole. I entered it, and found myself here, 3 years ago."

Clover: Okay! That’s IT!! There is no WAY he could have blown open one of those doors, let alone open the frickin’ gate without the Gate Key or Marle’s Pendant!! This MORONIC plot has been giving us every damn point about the game would at least know that much!

Sam: Smile and nod, Clover. Smile and nod.

>Magus drew a picture of a strange crest on a piece of paper and showed

>it to Erick. "It wouldn't happen to look like this, would it?"

>"Yes! Exactly like that!"

Alex:<Erick> He was the shooter on the grassy knoll!

>"Well, here," Magus handed Erick a pendant. "This makes it *much*

>easier to open the doors."

Sam:<Marle> HEY! That’s MY pendant, you @$$#*!&

Clover: Sure. Just give it away to a random stranger, Magus.

Alex: Someone please kill him.

>"Oh. I wouldn't want to go home. I had nothing to live for. My

>girlfriend was killed by robots when we were looking for food.

Sam:<Erick> Those lousy boomers…

Alex: Ironically, they were Sentinels out hunting the mutants.

>The odd thing is, Sandra only happens to be my Girlfriend's

>great-great-great-grandmother!"

All: Eeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww!!!

Clover: That is just too sick for words.

>"Guess what? You kill Lavos, and none of that happens."

>"Wait a minute, I happen to know something about mucking about in

>time. If we kill Lavos, won't I never have been born?"

Alex:<Koban> Yeah. We’re looking forward to that.

>"Uhh... Yeah, you would have been born, just in a better world, and I

>don't suppose you would make the trip here, but, no mutants in 2300

>AD."

Sam: Looks like Koban is screwed.

Alex: Mind you this is pure speculation.

>Sandra decided to change the subject. "When I was infected by the

>parasite, I tried to kill myself by going to the desert without food

>or water."

Clover: Thanks for lightening the mood there, Sandra.

Sam:<Sandra>Now I wish I’d succeeded.

>"That's nothing. Crono *was* Killed."

>"WHAT?" Crono said.

>"And he doesn't remember!"

Clover: Of course not. He was dead.

Alex: Actually, it was a dummy that was killed, but let’s not nitpick.

>"Anyway," Sandra said, desperate to return to the subject, "For some

>reason, my body ended up fusing to the sand. As a result, I can turn

>my body into sand, make my skin as rough as sandpaper, and attack my

>enemies with a sandstorm. That's why people call me 'SandStorm,' in

>fact!"

Sam: Sounds more like fiction to me.

Alex: Someone sure thinks she’s one of the X-Men.

Clover:<Sandra>That’s what I was hoping for until Prof. Xavier banished me to the minor leagues.

>"So," Rei questioned again, "What's *your* story, Billy?"

Sam:<Billy> I wanna be a hero.

>"My parents were a human and a monster," Began Billy,

Alex: Yes. It’s Son of La Blue Girl!

Sam and Clover: Ugh! ALEX!!

>"who met in a monster village, and shortly after I was born, the village was

>destroyed by humans. I was left with a magical sword and some black

>magic, and I grew up to be a good swordsman.

Clover:<Billy>I’m adequate with a sword.

Sam:<Billy> I got my sword form some dame living in a lake.

>Oh, and call me KnightShade, okay?"

Alex: How about if we call you “LampShade” instead?

Clover: Or “DoorKnob”.

>"So, what are your abilities, ladies?" Koban asked.

Sam: Dear God, NO!!

Alex:<Serena> I can shoot laser blasts with my eyes.

Clover:<Mina> I can control the weather.

Alex:<Rei> I can shoot fireworks out of my hands.

Clover:<Ami> I can create blades with psychic energy.

Alex:<Lita> I have an unbreakable adamantium skeleton and claws.

>The senshi told him of their powers, how Mina could fire

>Crescent-shaped beams of energy,

Sam: I hate to nitpick, but the beams aren’t actually crescent shaped.

Clover: Well, “Venus Straight Beam” didn’t sound as good.

>Ami could attack her enemies with bubbles and freeze them, Rei could shoot

>fire and ward off evil spirits,

Alex:<Rei> Be gone, Tom Green!

>Lita could summon Lightning and fire it at her opponents, and

>how Serena could obliterate an enemy with her Moon Scepter.

Clover: And such was the start of the Justice League Of Guardia. Can we go now?

>----

>Later that night...

Sam: Everyone was STILL busy describing their powers.

>Everyone except for Crono and KnightShade was in bed.

Alex:<KnightShade> Maybe our espresso chugging contest wasn’t such a hot idea, Crono.

>Serena and Ayla were snoring loudly, which was giving Marle nightmares.

>"Can't... Stand it..." She said. Then she screamed.

Sam: She shouldn’t have watched “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” before bed.

>In the next room, KnightShade was reading the comics section of the

>news paper. He laughed and said, "That Garfield cracks me up! Hey,

>what was that?"

Clover: The sound of Jim Davis filing a lawsuit?

>He and Crono rushed into the room where the girls were sleeping, and

>were blasted by the loud snoring. Together, Serena and Ayla's snoring

>packed quite a wallop!

Sam: THX Snore Sound! The audience is sleeping.

Alex: I can sympathize.

>KnightShade rolled Ayla over onto her side, and

>got a punch in the stomach for his trouble.

>"Oh well, at least she's on her side."

Clover: Now her snoring is aimed out the window so she can wake the neighbors.

>Magus was awake, looking out of the window at the moon. "I can feel

>you, Lavos," he said, "and you can feel me... Awaking is so sweets, is

>it not?

Clover: Say what?

Sam:<Magus> Awaking is such sweets sorrow.

>Soon, Lavos, very soon..."

>Lita was also talking in her sleep. "Ohh, Tommy... You really want me

>back? ...Of course I'll accept your hand in marriage..."

Alex:<Lita> The rest of you, on the other hand…

>"Talking in her sleep."

Sam: This brought to you by the Department Of Redundancy Department.

>"But Shadow,... I beat you fair and square!" This from Koban.

Clover: Who’s been beaten more often than eggs.

>"What do you mean, FAILED?" Ami.

Alex: I mean FAILED, as in the opposite of PASSED!

>"Will these interruptions never cease?" Magus said, slightly peeved at

>the disruptions to his concentration.

Sam:<Magus> Really. I’m trying to be ominous and foreboding here.

>"Grandpa, I told you never to come in when I'm doing a fire reading."

>Rei.

Alex:<Grandpa Hino> You also told me to stay out of your panty drawer, but did that stop me?

Clover: Alex!

>"Whatta ya mean my series is canceled? I'm a hit! Sailor Moon? She's

>gonna replace me? Who the heck is Sailor Moon? Sailor V rules!" Mina.

Sam:<Mina> I just got a new game too! “Sailor V Vs. Capcom”!

>"Darien... what do you mean, 'over?'" Serena. "You little pink-haired

>brat! Get back here!"

Clover:<Serena> Utena, you bastard!!

Sam: So, basically, EVERYONE in this story talks in their sleep.

Alex: How does she snore and talk at the same time?

>----

Sam: Great, another line at the bank.

>Meanwhile deep under the earth, a huge, strange creature had paused in

>its long ascent to the surface, listening, afraid.

Alex: The giant gopher feared popping up on Bill Murray’s golf course.

>"Grr... Noo! Get away! I'll kill you just like your sister! Aaahhh!

>Noooooo...."

Clover: Huh?

Sam: Lavos needs to stop with the pizza before bed.

>====

Alex: Oh, great. Now I’m seeing double.

>I hope you enjoyed reading Sailor Trigger, part 1: a Wrong Turn as

>much as we enjoyed writing it.

Clover: Well, if writing it was like poking yourself in the eye…

>Thank you, and good night.

Sam: Don’t forget to tip your severs!

>Greetz go out to Alanis_Hunter_K,

Alex: Vampire Hunter D’s second cousin once removed.

Clover: Leave Alanis alone! Go after Cher instead.

Sam: Or Madonna.

>CapnAhab,

Sam: …who’s still searching for GreatWhtWhale.

>Claud, CyberSled, Edge64,

>EvelSizor, Evolver, FuzzBuster, Garjon, Genji, GrImp, JohnRisser,

>King_Giott, ]{ipi, KnightShade, Lukka, Magus9X, Mecha, MentalMan,

>Ranko, Ranma`Saotome, Ryoga, Sheex, SirGolbez, SOM2Freak,

>SouL-CrusheR, Suky, WhiteMage.

Clover:…the entire cast of “Saturday Night Live”, Ennie, Meenie, Minney and Moe…

>PS. Never fear, Sailor Koban the Ninja Kat is here!

Alex:<singing> Ninja kat, ninja kat. Friendly neighborhood ninja kat.

>Warning: If you don't pay attention, you're head will explode like

>that one guy in "Fist of the North Star" and about 7 other guys in the

>same film.

Clover: Paying too much attention can have the same effect.

> "You must think my head zips up the back!"

Sam: No. We just think your head is empty.

<The girls get up from their seats>

>Is this Hematite guy a general, or just a fancy name for a bloodstone?

>It's just that I keep having this dream in which someone calls me that...

Clover: You need to cut back on the pizza before bed, too.

<They leave the theater>

**

[TO BE CONTINUED IN PART TWO]