*LIKE, TURN DOWN YOUR LIGHTS, KAY?*
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)
(The spy world isn't what it used to be....)
CCST3K’s Magical MSTery Tour Productions Presents…
"TOTALLY SPIES THEATER 3000" (SEASON ONE)
EPISODE 4:
(A Totally Spies/Army of Darkness MSTing)
MSTed From the Desk of CardCaptor Schlueter (aka Syaoran-kun)
This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
“Totally Spies” is the property of Marathon Animation
“The Army of Darkness” is the property of writer/director Sam Raimi, his producers and distributors.
“Beverly Hills Zombie” is the property of A Psychedelic Leviathan and The Fighting Jesus and they are welcome to it.
I do not intend to offend them by making fun of their work like this but I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does.
Think of this as another form of C&C. ;)
(Cue "Totally Spies Theater 3000 Love Theme" in 5....4....3....) In the not-too-distant future,
Way down in WOOHP 13
There was a guy named Jerry,
Who had brand new scheme.
He had some spies who drove
him nuts,
So he used a plan, which
took some guts.
He made them all his new
test case.
So he crammed them in a
rocket
And he shot them into
space!!
(Clover: JERRRRYYYYY!!!!)
(Sam and Alex: Get us
DOWN!!)
Oh, we’ll send them crappy
fanfics,
The worst we can find (la,
la, la)
And they’ll have to sit and
read them all
And we’ll monitor their
minds. (la, la, la)
Now keep in mind the spies
can’t control,
Where the fanfics begin or
end (la, la, la)
So they’ll try to keep their
sanity
Until this series ends.
SPY GIRL ROLL CALL:
Mandy:
“I’m NOT a spy!”
Alex:
“Hi, there!”
Sam:
“The smart one.”
CLOOOOOOOVER!!
“As if.”
If you’re wondering how they
eat and breathe,
And other science facts (la,
la, la)
Then repeat to yourself:
*It’s just a show!*
I should really just relax
For TOTALLY SPIES THEATER
3000!
(Sam, Alex and Clover:
What-EVER!)
**
[SATELLITE OF SPIES]
<Our trio of teenage spies are once again at a loss for something to do with their time. Sam, the smart girl redhead, Clover, the self-centered blonde and
Alex, the not-quite-all-there brunette, are sitting around playing cards. The table is laden with sodas, snacks and chips of both plastic and potato varieties.>
Sam: Okay, Clover. I see your bet.<tosses a couples of chips into the pot> And I’ll raise you five more. <tosses a couple more chips into the pot>
Alex: Got any threes, Sam?
Clover:<rolls her eyes> Alex… Wrong game.
Alex:<oblivious> Oh, wait! I already have all four of them.
<Sam and Clover stare blankly for a moment before tossing their cards over their shoulders.>
Clover: Well, that was fun while it lasted.
Sam: By the way, has anyone seen Mandy lately?
Clover: Ummm… No.
<Cut to Clover’s bedroom where a foot locker rattles and muffled shouts are heard. Cut back to the bridge.>
Sam:<dryly> Where did you lock her up this time, Clover?
Alex:<still oblivious> Got any fives, Clover?
<A light flashes on the control console.>
Sam: Heads up, girls! Jerry is calling!
<Sam runs over and smacks the button.>
Alex:< holding one particular card>Am the only one here holding a “Dark Magician” card.
**
[WOOHP 13]
<Jerry, middle-aged British spy commander is once again standing in front of his desk surrounded by all sorts of technical gizmos.
Beside him is a generic looking man in a wheelchair, who seems pretty out of it.>
Jerry: Good afternoon, ladies. How are you today?
Alex:<over intercom> How about sixes?
Clover: <over intercom> Alex! Enough already!
Jerry: Same as always, I see.
Sam: <over intercom> Who’s that with you, Jerry? He looks familiar.
**
[SATELLITE OF SPIES]
Clover: Wait a sec… Isn’t that Tim Scam?!
Sam: Hey! You’re right! But I thought he was locked up.
**
[WOOHP 13]
Jerry: Well, he was. But we as such a remarkable technician and a mind like that is terrible to waste.
Alex: <over intercom> Uh… Jerry? Didn’t he try to suffocate you by sending you into space?
Sam: <muttering over intercom> Kind of an ironic parallel, isn’t it?
Jerry: Yes. But we have him under control now thanks to BRAN.
Alex: <over intercom> So… He wasn’t getting enough fiber in his diet?
Jerry: No… BRAN. Brainwave Restrictor And Neutralizer.
Tim Scam: I like cheese…
Sam: <over intercom> So you basically gave him an electronic lobotomy?
Jerry: Sort of. But we can also use the gadget to extract any existing ideas he has.
Clover: <over intercom> Isn’t that illegal.
Tim Scam: Tell me about the rabbits.
Jerry: Only if someone finds out. Anyway, I have a new story for you today. It stars you three girls and a lot of zombies.
Tim Scam: Vote Bush!
Jerry: It’s called “Beverly Hills Zombie”. Good luck.
<Shuts off the intercom>
[SATELLITE OF SPIES]
Clover: Wow… Jerry really did a number on Scam. I almost feel sorry for him.
Sam: Really?
Clover: No.
Alex:<still holding cards> Hey, how many cards was I supposed to have anyway?
<Alarms and sirens go off.>
Sam: WE’VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!
(Door 6: It’s Clover’s walk-in closet. The doors slide open and you walk through.)
(Door 5: It’s Sam’s front door. She forgot her key so Alex needs to use a hairpin to pick the lock.)
(Door 4: It’s the spies’ wardrobe. You spend twenty minutes trying to find your way to the other side.)
(Door 3: It’s a waterfall. The girls freeze it and smash through.)
(Door 2: It’s a mirror. Once you pry the girls away from checking their makeup, you move on.)
(Door 1: It’s a trap door. You fall through it.)
(Door .7: The camera pans downward to a giant ‘WHOOP’ logo. The second ‘O’ opens up and you walk through..)
Sam,
Alex and Clover take their seats in the front row.
>
Alex: Oh, I get it! It’s an Eddie Murphy crossover between
“Beverly Hills Cop” and “Vampire in
Sam: What happens when you crossover one of Eddie’s best
movies with one of his worst?
Clover: You get most of his other movies?
Sam: Natch.
> A Totally Spies Fanfiction
Bizarrity
Clover: No way! I didn’t authorize this! Someone call my
lawyer!
> By Pyschadelic Leviathan
and the fighting Jesus
Alex: Someone should cut back on the acid trips.
Sam: People are picking on Mel Gibson, but leaving this
twit alone?
> (Totally Spies is owned by
Alex: Does he mean Sam Raimi?
Sam:<smiles> No relation.
Clover: I wonder if that old car of his is going to show up
here too.
> Scene 1:High School Gym
class at
Clover: So this is a high school thing? Is that what you’re
saying?
Sam: Redundant much?
> (A group of guys are
waiting for gym to start, close in on ARNOLD, who is looking incredibley
nervous.)
Alex: So in other words, the way
Sam: Except when he’s trying to pick up Clover.
Clover: Don’t remind me.
>
Sam:<John Cleese> And now, the punchline!
> Fat gym coach(Walking
in)TODAYS GYM LESSION IS...DODGEBALL!
All: TAH-DAH!
Alex: “Lession”?!
Clover: Ouch…
>
>
> Coach:For that outburst of
profanity your going to be the target for the duration of gym!
Alex:<
Clover:<Coach> Don’t make me hurt you, kid.
> High School idiot #1(Whos
looks alot like Butthead of Beavis and Butthead):Huh huh huh this gonna be
cool.
>
> High School idiot #2(Who
looks quite a bit like Beavis) Yeah dude this is gonna rock AND rule! Heh heh
heh
>sucks.
Sam:<Idiot #1> Huh, huh, huh… Why are we in this
story again?
Clover:<Idiot #2> Uhh… We’re lame and our show was
cancelled years ago and we’re broke.
Sam:<Idiot #1> Huh, huh, huh… Oh, right.
> (The high school boys
surround
>
>
Alex: Omar Epp?
Clover: That’s “Epps”, Alex.
Alex: Whatever…
> Coach:Now
Sam: Oooh… I never would have guessed.
>
Alex: Whoa… Now he’s talking like us!
Clover:
> Coach:For that we'll be
changing the name of the game to uh rockball! Yeah thats it! Men...pick up your
rocks!
Sam: Rockball? Isn’t that one of Mega Man’s weapons?
Alex: Only in the Japanese version, Sammy.
> Butthead look a like:Rock
throwing is finally a sport huh huh huh this is cool.
>
> Beavis look a like:Its
about time coach invented a sport that doesn't suck!
Clover: I hate to break up this wonderfully inane set-up,
but where did the rocks come from? They’re in the gym, right?
>
Sam:<singing> I need somebody!
Alex and Clover: HELP!
Sam:<singing> Not just anybody!
Alex and Clover: HELP!
> (He is hit by a barrage of
rocks from all directions, knocking him down and killing him.)
Clover: That seems harsh.
Alex:<ominous> The Fat Coach Wins. FATALITY!
> Coach:Well he certainly
didn't suceed in the rock dodge-age. YOU! THE STUPID FAT KID! YOUR NEXT!
Sam: Shouldn’t they at least remove the body first?
Alex:
Clover: Thank God for that.
> Stupid Fat kid(Angry):I'm
not fat I'm big boned!
Alex:<Cartman> Screw you! I’m going home!
<Sam and Clover sweatdrop>
> Coach(Enraged)I DON'T CARE!
>
> (The high school kids close
upon him, rocks in hand.)
Sam: Who? The coach or the fat kid?
> Scene 2:An
Alex: So this guy can’t even spell “cemetery” correctly.
Clover: Well, if they can’t spell “lesson”…
> (A pair of somewhat stupid
looking gravediggers have put
>burying him. One
is holding a can that reads NUCLEAR WASTE:KEEP AWAY FROM THE DEAD!)
Sam:<can> BUT FEEL FREE TO USE IT ON THE LIVING.
Alex: Has there been one reasonably intelligent person in
this story so far?
Clover: Yeah. And they’re burying him now.
> Gravedigger #1:You know
death is the least funny when it happens to a kid.
Sam: And even more so when it appears in a substandard fic.
Alex:<Gravedigger #1> Hey, shouldn’t this guy be in a
coffin or something?
> Gravedigger #2:Really, I
mean its still pretty funny but you kinda feel guilty.
Clover:<Gravedigger #2> Death amuses me.
> Gravedigger #1:Hey make
sure to set that can of toxic waste AWAY from the body. Why are you carrying it
around
>anyways?
Sam:<Gravedigger #2> It’s a plot device, why else?
> Gravedigger #2:I'm trying
to breed a slave race to carry out my every warped desire.
Alex: I thought Gendo Ikari already tried that.
> Gravedigger #1:Like?
>
> Gravedigger #2:To hunt the
most dangerous game of all...mutant man!
Clover:<Gravedigger #2> Charles Xavier won’t know
what hit him! MWA-HAHAHAHA!
> Gravedigger #1:Excellent
idea. While your at it could you create mutant slave women who do it at our
command?
All: Typical…
Clover:<Jean Grey> Not on your life, pal.
Sam:<Rogue> Best go lookin’ for your kicks somewhere
else, sugah.
Alex:<Jubilee> Uhhh… They smell like dead people.
> Gravedigger #2:I'll keep
you posted. (Looks at watch) Holy Hell! The games on! Come on we gotta watch
it!
Sam:<Gravedigger #1> What sport is it?
Alex:<Gravedigger #2> I’m not sure.
Sam:<Gravedigger #1> Who’s playing?
Alex:<Gravedigger #2> I don’t know that either.
>(The two off, knocking the can of toxic waste into the
grave. The camera zooms in into the grave, ominious horror music
>blares and suddenly a green, decaying hand shoots out
of the grave and grabs onto the side of the hole. The horror music
>reaches a climax when it emerges from the grave...the
horror known as THE UNDEAD ARNOLD!)
Clover: If that’s the most horrifying thing this story can
come up with, I want my money back.
Alex:<Undead
Sam: Another Umbrella Corp. product falls into the wrong
hands.
> Undead
Sam:<Undead
> (
Clover:<Undead
> Scene 3:The
Alex:
Clover: NOOOOOOOO!!
> (Mandy and her two nameless
lackeys are hanging out.)
Sam: I’m pretty sure they do have names.
Alex: Yeah… But do you remember what they are?
<Long pause>
Sam: No.
Alex: Didn’t think so.
> Short
haired lackey:Hey Mandy, did you hear about the gym coach?
Sam:<Mandy> Quiet, you little twerp! Speak only when
spoken to! Got it?
<Alex and Clover sweatdrop>
Alex: That was a tad disturbing.
> Mandy:Oh yeah that class
got canceled today, I wonder why...well not really.
Clover:<Mandy> Can we talk about me now?
Alex:<short-haired lackey> But that’s all we ever do!
Sam:<long-haired lackey> That and try to take over
the world every night.
Alex:<short-haired lackey> Narf!
> Long haired lackey:Yeah hes
missing, the door to his office was found smashed open and it looks like there
was a struggle, but no one knows where he is.
>
> Mandy:Oh well. We don't get
all sweaty in that stupid gym class for awhile.
Clover:<Mandy> If we’re lucky they won’t find his
mutilated corpse for at least another week.
> Short haired lackey:Yeah
really.
>
> Mandy:I half to go powder
my nose, stay here until I get back.
Alex:<scratches her head> Mandy only has half a nose?
I don’t get it.
> (Mandy walks off, she finds
the door to the ladies room locked.)
Sam: Heather from Silent Hill 3 is probably in there.
> Mandy:Dammit! Now I've have
to use that gross one in back of the mall.
>
> (Mandy goes out in back of
the mall. Its pretty dark out and shes alone.)
Alex: Be afraid, Mandy! Be very afraid! You have entered
THE MALL OF DOOM!
Clover: Can it, Adam Warren.
> Mandy(Trying hard to open
door):This ones locked too! Those bastards! (She looks over her shoulder.) Hey!
Whos there! (The camera switches to the side >of the mall.) Hey...let go
of...AH...AHHHHHHHH!!!
Sam: Camera? What camera?
Alex: Oooh… What great cinematic technique.
Clover:<author> I’m trying to get a PG-13 rating over
here!
> (cut back too Mandy's two
lackeys.)
>
> Short haired lackey:Where'd
the leader go too?
Clover: “The leader”?!
Sam:<Homer Simpson> I *love* the leader!
> Long
haired lackey:There she is!
>
> (An undead, zombie Mandy
walks over silently. Once in front of her minions she stops and stares at
them.)
Alex: “Minions”?!
Clover and Sam:<lackeys>Did we mention we’re
EEEEEVIIIIL?
> Short haired lackey:Are you
alrite?
>
> Long haired
lackey:Something about seems different.
Sam:<long-haired lackey> Speaking pattern not sense
making.
> (Undead Mandy stares at
them, then raises her arms and begins to slowly advance on some other people in
the mall.)
Alex: They were extras. They didn’t deserve names.
> Long haired lackey:Where
are you going? (Mandy gives an undead moan.)
Clover:<Undead Mandy> I am… Strom Thurmond…
> Short haired lackey:I don't
like Mandy anymore, she just doesn't communicate that well.
>
> Long haired lackey:Totally.
Sam:<snorts> We all know what a *great*
conversationalist Mandy was before.
> (The lackeys walk off.)
>
> Mandy:Brainsss...brainssss....
Clover: What would an undead Mandy sound like?
Alex: Kind of like an undead Fran Drescher?
Sam:<Undead Nanny> Oh Mr. Shetfield… Can I eat you
brains? Hahahahahaha…
> (Undead Mandy walks by Sam,
Clover and Alex without saying anything to them, then approaches a man in the
corner of the food court.)
>
> Clover:Is it me, or is
there something kinda off about Mandy? I mean she didn't insult us once.
Clover: And she hasn’t even said one word about how great
she is either!
> Alex:Yeah...and her skins
turned an unfashionable blueish-green!
Alex: She really should stay away from that Gamma
radiation.
Sam:<Mandy> MANDY HULK SMASH!
> Sam:And check it out...
>
> (Points to Mandy grabbing
and then ripping the arms off of the man, then tearing into his head with her
teeth. He screams in terror.)...shes eating people too.
Sam: No double entendres, please.
Alex:<ominous> Mandy Wins! FATALITY!
> Clover:Hmmmm...I'm still
trying to figure it out...did she get a new haircut?
>
> Alex:I think thats a new
dress.
>
> Clover:Yeah thats probably
it.
Clover: Either that or she’s become a ravening member of
the undead. Whatever.
> Sam:Its most pecular
indeed.
>
> (Mandy and the newly undead
man shamble past. Blood drips from Mandy's jaw.)
Sam: Live! One Night Only! It’s the blues sensation.
Bleeding Gums Mandy!
> Mandy and other
zombie:Brainssss...brainsss... (They begin advancing upon Mandy's minions.)
>
> Clover:And now shes eating
the flesh of those two annoying girls who hang out with her sometimes.
Sam: I love how the dialogue in this fic is cleverly worded
to replace narrative description.
Alex: Really?
Sam: No.
> (The bloodcurdling screams
of her minions are heard.)
>
> Sam:Maybe Mandy's just got
some really nasty PMS.
Sam: Got a thirst for blood and brains? Maybe you should
have used Midol.
<Alex and Clover stare blankly>
Alex: Very sensitive there, Sammy.
Sam: Hey!
> Clover:Sammie...EWWWW!
>
> Alex:Yeah! Eww!
Clover: Ix-nay on the bodily functions, Sam. We need to
keep this show clean for the censors.
Alex: Yeah. Let the commercial break deal with that.
Sam:<teacher in Tampax ad> I hope you brought enough
for everybody.
Clover:<girl in ad> Enough for the girls.
Alex: Oooh… Obscure.
> Sam:Sorry!
>
> Clover:Hey look! Shoe sale!
AND 45 PERCENT OFF!
>
> (They forget Mandy and
other the zombies, rushing off to the shoe store.)
<Long pause>
Clover: Okay, that is *so* wrong.
Sam: Huh?
Clover: I would never get that excited about a sale that
was less than fifty percent off.
Sam: Oh.
> Scene 4:
>
> (Half the science class is
zombies. The three spies are oblivious, lost in their own world of fashion and
popularity.)
Sam: Well, I see this author has a very high opinion of us.
> Clover (looking at Mandy,
whos glazed over and staring straight ahead.) UM, Mandy I can't help but wonder...whats
wrong with you?
>
> Mandy(In a voice that
sounds both valley girl and undead at once.) Brains...must eat brains...
Alex: Think Alicia Silverstone with a hangover.
Clover: Hello! We’re from
Sam: Way to sell it, Clover.
Clover: What-EVER!
> Clover:Bad hair day?
>
> Alex:Broke a nail?
>
> Sam:Boy troubles?
Sam:<Mandy> BRAINNNNS! BRAINNNNNS!
Alex: What’s that, Mandy? Timmy is stuck down a well?
> (One of Mandy's rotting
undead arms falls off.)
>
> Sam:Whoa, maybe you should
see a doctor.
Alex: Yeah! It’s dangerous in
Clover; Don’t make me hurt you, Alex.
> Teacher(Notices Arnold
attacking the guy next to him)
Clover: He must be new here.
Sam: Totally.
> Kid being attacked by
zombie Arnold:YRHHHHHHHHH!!!
>
> Teacher:Now nobody likes a
crybaby Theodore. In life we sometimes have to deal with things when they don't
go our way.
Alex:<Teacher> Why can’t you be more like your
brothers Alvin and Simon?
> Kid(As
Sam:<Kid> AND THAT’S MY ONLY LINNNNEEEE!
> Clover(annoyed)Alrite...is
it just me or am I the only one who really doesn't get this whole eating other
peoples brains fad?
>
> Alex:Yeah it is kind of
weird. But when in
Alex:<Mandy> Bite me! <CHOMP!> OW!
> Clover:Well thats true...it
is on the cover of impressionable teen. (Holds up a magazine that shows zombie
Mandy on the cover with the phrase 'DO THE >ZOMBIE!') And it IS an excuse to
bite Mandy... (Clover also bites Mandy.)
Clover: Ex-CUSE me?! Mandy made the cover of Impressionable
Teen?! I am *so* canceling my subscription!
Sam: Whatever, Clover.
> Mandy:BRAINNNNSSSS!!!
(Grabs Clover with her remaining arm, then takes a bite out of her head.) MUST
EATS CLOVERS BRAINS!!!
Sam:<muttering> That’s barely a light snack.
Clover: Hey!
> Sam:Geez Mandy fashion is
well and good but don't you think your taking this a bit too far?
>
> Clover(Turns green, into a
zombie)BRAINNNSSSS!
>
> Sam:Yes Clover, we all know
your mindless devotion to fashion shows you have none.
Sam:<smiling> ZING!
Clover:<irked> Shut up, Sam.
> Alex(Grabbed by zombie
Mandy and zombie Clover)HELP! (They begin biting Alex.)
>
> Sam:Hey! She doesn't want
to be a part of your dumb brain eating trend, so leave her alone.
Clover: Besides, who’d want Alex’s brain?
Alex: Hey!
> (Sam notices everyone else
approaching her. She is the only one in the classroom who hasn't been converted
to zombiehood at this point.)
>
> All:BRAINNNNSSS...BRAINSSSS....
All:<zombies> YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED… RESISTANCE IS
FUTILE…
> Sam:Hey I need my brains,
too get into college and stuff. (Notices them advancing) Um, gotta go. (She
runs down the hall. But sees nothing but zombies. >They begin to lumber
after her.)
Clover: She’s clearly faster than they are, why did she
stop running?
> Sam:Ekkkkk! (She runs
towards the empty gym, then locks herself in.) Whew. I've heard of devotion to
fashion...but this is just out of control!
>
> Tough Voice(from behind
her) It ain't fashion. I've seen this sorta thing before.
Sam: Chris Redfield! He’ll save us!
> Sam:Donna!
Sam: …or not.
> Donna(The biker bully from
'Spy Gladiators.')Thats the name honey. Don't wear it out.
<The spies groan>
Clover: Someone slap her.
Alex: Wouldn’t Jill Valentine or Claire Redfield be more
useful here?
> Sam:Do you know whats going
on here then?
Alex: We need some plot exposition, STAT!
> Donna:I've seen it before
on the late nite TV. This isn't no fashion...thats just its cover. No this
ain't fashion at all...this is
>th' living dead!
Sam: Should I point out that Donna doesn’t talk like that?
Clover: Why? She was a bit character in one episode who
threatened to pound on Alex.
Alex: Fourth wall, Clover…
> Sam:LIVING DEAD?
Sam: I thought this was Sam Raimi, not George Romero.
Alex:<Donna> Whoops… Wrong movie.
> Donna:You know like
Zombies. (Points off into the distance.) Luckily I found out about this last
nite, so I was able to bring in an expert.
Clover:<Donna> It took me all night to drive to
> (A tall, muscular dark
haired man with a chainsaw for a hand approaches. He is barechested)
>
> Man with chainsaw for a
hand:Yo
All: SYLVESTER STALLONE?!
Sam:<Chainsaw Man> ADRIAAAAAAN!!!
> Sam:Whos this guy?
>
>
Man:Names Ash. I've kicked undead
ass all acrost the universe.
Alex:<Ash> But I still can’t spell to save my life.
> Donna:Hes the real deal.
Anyhow, we need to get you a shotgun. We gotta save the world from the zombies.
Clover: Shotgun? Where are they going to find one of those?
Sam: Anywhere. There’s a Texas Republican president right
now.
Alex: Ouch.
> Sam:How do we do that?
>
> Ash:You kill the master zombie and the
rest will turn back to normal.
Clover:<Ash> It’s a handy Dues Ex Machina plot
device!
> Sam:Whos the master zombie?
Sam:<zombie> I ‘da master zombie!
Clover:<Ash> Who ‘da man?
Sam:<zombie> I ‘da man!
> Donna:My bet is that its
the stupid little Mandy girl. (Picks up a chainsaw and shotgun.)
Sam: That just *happened* to be there.
> Ash(Hands Sam a
chainsaw)Heres your zombie kill. Now lets rock and roll.
Alex:<Ash> Hail to the king, baby!
> Scene 5:The darkened halls
of
Clover: Hey! Who turned out the lights?
Sam: Someone must’ve invited Michael Myers to this party.
> (Zombies are everywhere.)
Alex:<singing> ‘Cause they’re everywhere to meeeee!
Sam: But then they were eaten alive by giant locusts bred
by Peter Graves. The End.
> Donna:I see Mandy, but shes
surrounded by all of those zombies.
>
> Ash:Thats alittle work
for...MY BOOMSTICK.
Alex:<Sam> You’re going to sweep them up?
Clover:<Ash> I said “boomstick”, not “broomstick”.
> Sam:You sure its Mandy?
>
> Donna:Pretty sure. Shes
always seemed evil to me.
Sam: Sure. This coming from the violence happy, juvenile
hall biker chick.
> Sam:Well okay...it would be
nice to have an excuse to use a chainsaw on Mandy.
>
> Donna:Well then don't talk
about it, go for it!
Alex:<Donna> Make it happen. Be a self starter. Your
chainsaw is.
> (The three of them sneak
around towards zombie Mandy, then jump out.)
All: SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
> Mandy:BRAINNNNNSSS!
BRAINNNNSSSS!
>
> (Sam cuts undead Mandy into
many bloody pieces with her chainsaw.)
Alex:<ominous> Sam Wins! FATALITY!
Sam:<cheery> Remember, Mandy, in the afterlife, shop
smart! Shop S-Mart!
<Alex and Clover sweatdrop>
> Sam:Got her!
Sam: Booyah!
> Zombies:BRAINNNNS!
BRAINNSSSS!
>
> Sam:Looks like she wasn't
the one after all. (Zombies surround her) EPPPP!
Alex:<Undead Clover> You have to kill the *head*
zombie!
Sam: You’re the head zombie?!
Clover:<Sam’s Mom as zombie> No. *I* am!
Sam: Mom?!
Clover:<Sam’s Mom as zombie> Well, I do have a life
outside the house, you know.
Alex: The Simpsons’ Halloween sketch, ladies and gentlemen!
> Ash:(Jumping out in front
of the zombies) Alrite undead bee-atches...lets go. (Levels his boomstick at
nearest zombies, devestates them in a slow motion >action sequence.)
Sam: Fortunately, Ash was able to use his Bullet Time
adapter.
Alex: Just remember… There is no shotgun.
> More zombies:BRAINNNNNSSSS!
BRAINSSSSSSS!
>
> Sam:Can't they say anything else?
>
> Donna:From what I saw on
the TV...nope. (Begins punching out zombies.)
Alex:<Donna> Look… They’re just extras. If they spoke
more we’d have to pay them more. And we needed most of the budget for make-up
and special effects.
Sam: Really? <pause> How much did we spend?
Alex:<Donna> Not enough apparently.
> (More zombies approach)
>
> Sam:These undead freaks sure have
been busy. (Revs up chainsaw and begins hacking them apart.)
Sam: Heh, heh, heh… Groovy…
<Alex and Clover sweatdrop>
> Donna(Going slash happy with
chainsaw as she bloodily rends off zombie limbs) DUDE...SWEET!
Alex:<Donna a la Cartman> KICK ASS!
> (Zombie Clover jumps upon
the back of Sam.)
Alex: Whoa, Clover! It’s not that kind of fanfic!
Clover: Shut up, Alex.
> Zombie Clover:Hello Sammie...I'm
feelin' a bit hungry...bind if I chew your ear?
Alex: Zombie Clover seems to have a cold too.
Sam:<Zombie
> (Sam judo flips zombie
Clover off of her.)
Alex: We’ve secretly replaced Sam with Kasumi from “Dead or
Alive”, let’s see who notices.
Clover:<Donna> Sam?! Since when did you have D cups?!
Sam: Ha, ha. Very funny.
> Sam:We gotta retreat! There
are too many of them!
Alex:<hums “Return of the Jedi” theme>
> Donna:I'll hold them off!
You two go to the library and look for a spellbook or something!
Sam:<Donna> TO THE BATMOBILE!
> (Donna goes even more
maniacal with the chainsaw, but the tide of zombies overwhelm and drag her down
with sheer numbers.)
>
> Scene 6:School library
>
> Sam(Brousing the school
library's 'SATANICA' section.)
Sam: So the library has an occult section now?
Alex: “SATANICA”? Sounds like a cross between Santana and
Metallica.
Clover: Wonderful musical image *there*, Alex.
>How to summon demons to Earth, how to make a deal with
the devil, how to awaken the great old ones, Could you be the next
Devil?...awww hear it is...raising >and unraising the dead.
Sam: I hate to nitpick, but since these are chemically
created zombies would that even work?
Alex: Smile and nod, Sammy.
> Ash(Sees zombies breaking
through the windows of the library) You better hury! (Pulls out boomstick.) I
don't know how long I can hold them off by
>myself!
Clover: For someone who’s been fighting zombies across the
universe, he kinda bites at this.
> Sam:Alrite heres the spell
(Sucks in breath)
Sam: That’s called “inhaling”.
Alex:<Sam> Iamtheverymodelofamodernmajorgeneral…
> Ash:Wait!
>
> Sam:What?
Clover:<Ash> I said “Wait”!
Sam: Speak up! My hearing aid just died!
> Ash:When you cast a
spell...you've got to say the words exactly!
>
> Sam:That important now?
Alex:<Ash, heavy sarcasm> No. It important later.
> Ash:YES! I misprounced just
a few teensy little words back in Medivel
Clover: Gee… That sucks.
Sam:<Stephen Ratliff> He was guarding a medevil
castle-town.
> (The zombies, lead by
zombie Clover, zombie Alex and zombie Donna pour into the room.)
>
> Ash:Alrite you screwheads
listen up! This...IS MY BOOMSTICK! Who here wants alittle?
Clover: Is that his only catchphrase or something? ‘Cause
it’s wearing thin.
Sam: It’s not. But the fic doesn’t know that.
> All:BRAINNNSSSS!
BRAINNNSSSS!
Alex:<Venom> We want to eat your brains!
> Ash:I take it that means
all of you! (Begans firing his boomstick)
>
> Sam:KLATU...VERTA...NETU!
Alex:<Sam> RAMA… LAMA… DING… DONG
Clover:<Sam> SUPER… KALA… FRAGELISTIC… EXPEALEDOTIOUS…
> (Waves
of mystical energy go forth, transforming all of the zombies back into humans.)
>
> Clover:That...was weird?
Sam: Well, was it or wasn’t it?
Alex: Make up your mind!
> Alex:What happened Sammie?
>
> Sam:You all got turned into
zombies, but we turned you back.
Clover: How?
Sam: Well, just stay away from holy water for a couple of
weeks.
> Clover and Alex:Horray for
Sammie! (They hug her)
>
> Sam:Now everything can go
back to...(Walks outside, sees the carnage)...normal.
Alex:<Jim Ross> Mah’ God! The carnage!
Sam: You have to stop hanging around with Lynxara, Alex.
> Ash:I should have warned
you about that...you go back as is.
>
> Sam:My my god...we like
totally decapitated and disembowled half the student body!
Clover: “We”? You’re the one with the bloody chainsaw,
Sammy.
Alex: I am *not* cleaning this up.
> Clover (Picks up a familar severed
head) Alas poor Mandy...I knew her Alex...
Clover: Oh my God! They killed Mandy!
Alex: You bastards!
Sam: I have a hard time picturing you as Hamlet, Clover,
especially after your lame audition for Cosette in “Les Miserables”.
Clover: HEY!
> Alex:Yeah but she was a
mean mean person.
Sam:<smiles> Typical Alex line.
Alex: Hey!
Clover:<Alex> I know that the Easter bunny is tucked
away in his little toadstool home in the fiords of
Sam:<Alex> Okay, Mr. Scary Japanese Guard! You’d
better back off ‘cause I just learned a mean karate move in gym class!
<Alex scowls>
> Clover:Oh yeah. I figure
I'll still get it stuffed as a trophy though.
Clover: Or use it as a volleyball. Whatever.
> Alex:Hey is that shoe sale still
going on?
>
> Clover:Ohmigash your right! TO THE
MALL!
Sam:<Clover> TO THE BATMOBILE!!
Alex: Holy discount pumps, Batman!
> (The spies run off.)
>
> Mandy(Whole and alive
again) Hey! I'm no longer dead!
All: Damn!
Clover: Can *nothing* kill her?!
> Ash:The power of bad
writing. Apparentely someone up there likes you.
Alex: Or hates us.
Sam: Well, there goes the fourth wall.
> Mandy:If so, then why was I
decapitated to begin with? (Bursts into crying) You people like must totally
hate me or something to be
>chopping my head off! (Runs away in cartoonish fountain
tears)
Clover: We’ve secretly replaced Mandy with Usagi Tsukino…
> Ash(To camera, chuckling)
Well kids we had fun today...but I hope you learned a valuable lession.
Sam: What lesson is *that*?!
Alex: Uh… Don’t wander around a graveyard with Umbrella
Corp. products?
Clover: Don’t beat your fellow students to death with
rocks?
Alex: Don’t piss off the gym teacher?
Clover: Don’t go chasing waterfalls?
>When menanced by the undead don't just go and start
decapitating zombies left and right, unless of course their people you'd perfer
to be
>dead when you change them back. (Looks around) Roll the
damn credits already.
Sam:<Ash> I don’t want to have to try and explain
what that was I just said.
>The End
All: Finally!
<The girls exit the theater>
**
[SATELLITE OF SPIES]
<Sam walks out onto the bridge dressed in Jill
Valentine’s STARS uniform.>
Sam: Good evening, everybody! And welcome to my special
self-defense course for zombie fighting.
<Clover and Alex come in with an animatronic zombie
which bears a strong resemblance to Mandy>
Sam: To demonstrate, I made up this robotic zombie double.
Alex: We even tinted all of its internal fluids red!
Clover: Where did you find this thing anyway, Sam?
Sam: Are you kidding me? We’re on a satellite. This place
is crawling with robot zombie doubles.
<Alex switches on the zombie robot.>
Robotic Zombie Mandy: BRAIIINNNNS! BRAIINNNSSS!
Sam: Now we’ll just take out this one with a bullet to the
head. <Sam draws a .44 Magnum>
Alex: Whoa, there, Sammy! Remember what happens if we blow
a whole in the ship!
Clover: Yeah! Sudden explosive decompression sucks.
Sam: Oh, all right.
Alex:<muttering> And they call me naïve.
Sam: Guess we’ll have to go with the old stand-by.
<Sam wanders off and comes back with a chainsaw>
Sam: All right, let’s begin.
<Clover rolls her eyes and accidentally leans on the
button.>
\ |
/
\ |
/
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\|/
-------FWOOOOSH!!-------
/|\
/ | \
/ | \
/ | \
/ |
\
/
| \
<Sounds of chainsaw revving.>
Alex:<ominous> FATALITY!
Sam: Heh, heh… Groovy.
Clover: I *so* don’t know you anymore.
THE REAL END
(The “Totally Spies” closing theme plays)
Starring The Voices Of:
Jennifer
Hale as Sam/Mandy
Andrea
Taylor as Clover
Katie
Leigh as Alex
and
Jess
Harnell as Jerry
Guest Starring:
Michael
Gough as Tim Scam
**
Season One:
1) The Brain From Planet Arous-A Ranma ½ Fic By Ryoucilo
2) The Mike Rhea Anthology-Ranma ½ Fics By Mike Rhea
(Loves Me, Loves Me Not/ Akane Gets Drained/ Konatsu’s First Kiss)
3) Neon Ranma Evangelion-A Ranma ½ /Neon Genesis Evangelion Fic By Khyron Kingkiller
4) Good Bye Sweet Li (Part 1)-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Lady Yuy
5) Stolen-A Magic Knight Rayearth Fic By hikaru shidou
6) Good Bye Sweet Li (Part 2)-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Lady Yuy
7) The True Power Of Love-A Card Captor Sakura Fic By poshul
8) Marco Polo-A Magic Knight Rayearth Fic By hikaru shidou
9)
10) Is It Reality Or Just A Trick?-A Sailor Moon Fic By Dr. Thinker
Season
Two:
11) The Next Generation-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By JimAndZazu
12) Caught In The Act-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Second Sailor Destiny
13) The Shadow Leaders-A Sailor Moon Fic By Dr. Thinker
14) Shinji’s Alter-Ego-A Neon Genesis Evangelion Fic By John82
15) Sailor Jupiter Vs. Godzilla-A Sailor Moon Fic By Flashman (Christian A. Rogers)
16)
17) No Need For CardCaptors-A Tenchi Muyo/Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Christina Horton
18)
19) Mother, May I [Take Over The World]-A Pokemon Fic By Mallet Boy
20) Syaoran: Romeo… Not Really-A Card Captor Sakura Fic By Golden Eyed Dragon
Season Three:
21) Harry Potter And the Pantie Raiders-A Harry Potter Fic By Ice Blue X
22) The Unforgettable Promise-A Love Hina Fic By KenshinRC
23) To Find My Dad And Have A Family-A Card Captor Sakura Fic By MoshiMoshiQueen
24) Revolutionary Girl Asuka-A Neon Genesis Evangelion/Shoujo Kakumei Utena Fic By Joyce K. Wakabayashi
25) A Dream Come True-A CardCaptor Sakura Fic By Crystalina Rhapsody Draco
26) The Only Constant-A Star Trek: The Next Generation Fic By Stephen Ratliff
27) The Lionel Dark Anthology-Card Captor Sakura(CardCaptors)/Lord Of The Rings Fics By Lionel Dark
(Signs That Say You’re Like Lionel Dark/ More Signs The You’re Like Elle/ The Scythe Carrier)
28) The Ranma ½ Cast Does CCS-A Ranma ½/CardCaptor Sakura Fic By Matthew Cline
29) Megamon X-A Pokemon/Megaman X Fic By Brock Shale
30) Hotaru Goes To Hogwarts-A Sailor Moon/Harry Potter Fic By Saturn Angels
Season Four:
31) The Bubblehead, The Jerk And The High School-A Sailor Moon/Gundam Wing Fic By Jayde Summers
(w/ short True Search-A Shoujo Kakumei Utena Fic By SparkleOfEnergyHeidi)
32) Find You Again-A Vision Of Escaflowne Fic By winged angel
33) The XXX Files-A Shoujo Kakumei Utena Fic By Reanna R. King
34) First Release-A CardCaptor Sakura/Ranma ½ Fic By Wishbringer
35) Bubblegum Card-Ep. 3.1415-A Bubblegum Crisis/X-Men Fic By Kris Overstreet
26) The Black Hole-A Pokemon Fic By Dr. Thinker
Deep Fried SPAM:
1) Why Not Make A Little Money While Surfing The Net
2) Now Offering For Your “Sensitive” Delight… New And Improved!
3) Why RPGs Should Be Severely Censored And Devoid Of Character Development
Specials:
-Christmas Special-Under The Mistletoe/Tsubasa Gets What He Deserves-Ranma ½ Fics By Mike Rhea
-Summaries Of Suffering Vol. 1-A CCST3K Spin-off By Ciircee and Chelle-Sama
-Summaries Of Suffering Vol. 2-A CCST3K Spin-off By Ciircee and Chelle-Sama
-X-01: The Beginning-Manga Translation By Tonghyun "Vajra" Kim and Iain Sinclair (MSTed with April Hamilton)
Other MSTings:
Totally Spies Theater 3000:
Season One:
1)
What If Meowth Was
A Girl?-A Pokemon Fic By Dr. Thinker
2)
Sailor Trigger-A Sailor Moon/Chrono Trigger Fic By Sailor Koban
(w/ short BB Hood’s Rampage-A DarkStalkers
Fic By FlamingSmileyFace)
3) Believe-A Street Fighter Fic By Blackjack Gabbiani
4)
> Sam:My my
god...we like totally decapitated and disembowled half the student body!
Mystery Science Theater 3000
and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c)
2003 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights
reserved.
Keep Circulating The Fanfics....