Schoolgirls of the Apocalypse Productions and CardCaptor Science Theater 3000 presents The Magical MSTery Spriter's Tour-Episode 102 "Street Fighter: Warrior's Legacy" Part 1 Original by Eyrie Unlimited (Ben "Gryphon" Hutchins) MSTed by the Deady Viper Spriters Squad Reiko Hinomoto's training dummy and Anzu's Angel, CardCaptor Schlueter (aka Syaoran-kun) Shingo Yabuki's body double and Ami Mizuno's personal assistant, Azureman Captain N's successor and Sakura Kasugano's new mentor, Captain Gamer The short guy at the catering van with the VG waitresses, Ness Tomo Takino's Dark and Demonic Sidekick named Steve, Lordofnightmares And The designated "normal one" if you can believe it, Black Sword Compiled and Edited by CardCaptor Schlueter Proofed, Stamped, Chopped, Shot and Scored by Azureman Czar Gamer's appearance furnished by Captain Gamer's of Hollywood. ** Deep within the realms of the universe of the Spriting World lays a city where the authors and creators of sprites and sprite comics dwell. Within the Sprite City, at the corner of Anez and Liss lies the Theater of the Damned... These are their stories... ** The theater lobby was unusually large, even by the standards of most multiplexes. However, today it was cluttered with several racks of costumes, all bearing the 'Daidouji Cosplay Costumes Inc.' logo on the side. Black Sword had been wheeling them in for the last few minutes and he wasn't exactly thrilled about it. Azureman, dressed in his blue Japanese high school uniform and ball cap eyed the racks cautiously as if they might be dangerous. His companion, Ami Mizuno, on the other hand seemed fairly curious about them and was busy checking out as many of them as she could. "I'm not sure I like the idea of attending a cosplay convention," said Azure. "Oh?" Ami responded questioningly. "It seems kinda ridiculous," Azure replied. Ami blinked. "Well, they seem to be having fun." She pointed in the direction of a karaoke machine, located just to the right of the Dance Dance Revolution game in the theater's arcade, where CardCaptor Schlueter and Anzu Mazaki were dressed as Syaoran and Sakura circa 'Tsubasa Chronicle' were singing the duet version of 'Yume no Tsubasa'. Azure winced slightly. He'd been trying to block out the singing for the last couple of minutes. One thing was certain, in addition to having no sense of rhythm; Schlueter had no talent for singing either. Still, he had to admit, Schlueter apparently had some serious connections when it came to getting the costumes. He glanced at the Daidouji logo again and started to wonder. Before he could finish his thoughts, Black Sword wheeled in the last of the racks. "Anybody want to tell me why I had to deliver all this crap here in the first place?" he grumbled. Azure began to wonder about that himself. A few weeks back, Anzu and Ami had approached them with the cosplay idea. Schlueter, being Schlueter, quickly agreed to the idea the moment Anzu batted her eyes and said "pretty please". Azure wanted to scoff at his geeky friend's spinelessness, but truthfully he hadn't lasted much longer against Ami. However, the cosplaying event conflicted with an invitation they had all recieved to a show at the Theater of the Damned. As a result they were going over various costume selections before the show. Steveman, also known as Lordofnightmares, was busy digging himself out of a pile of costumes. His constant companion, one Tomo Takino, was rifling through the racks at close to sonic speeds and before he knew it he had been buried under the entire wardrobe of Magic Knight Rayearth. He had finally managed to get his blonde head out from under the pile, but he only had time to adjust his glasses and catch his breath before he was buried again under Tomo's latest stack. He muttered something that would probably been obscene if it hadn't been muffled by several layers of cotton and polyester. Over at the snack bar, Ness, a short, plump spiky haired guy, was busy rummaging through the display cases stockpiling whatever goodies he could get his hands on. Watching this display was the visor-wearing Captain Gamer and his protégé, Sakura Kasugano. Gamer was particularly concerned about today's screening since the invite was from his arch-rival, Czar Gamer. He hadn't thought much about it at the time, since any Street Fighter screening that wasn't the live-action movie seemed like a good idea. But, somehow, the idea of accepting the invitation of his rival was starting to make him wonder if he had made the right call. He didn't have much time to wonder however as Czar Gamer's image suddenly appeared on all the lobby monitors, immediately capturing the attention of the group, "Welcome," Czar announced with a smirk. "Today's screening here at the Theater of the Damned is a special one indeed. Today you'll be sitting through the Mary Sue masterpiece, 'Street Fighter: Warrior's Legacy'." "Mary Sue?" Captain Gamer was now disturbed. "You never said..." "Well, if I had you wouldn't have shown up," Czar replied. "And the exits are all locked until the screening is over, lest you think of backing out. Because I'm chivalrous I won't make your little girlfriends watch the horror, but you six are in for some pain. Now hurry up, you don't want to miss the previews." Czar smirked again as the monitors went blank. Azure, LoN, Black Sword, Gamer and CCS all let out a sigh as they trudged off into the theater. Ness had to be dragged in behind them kicking and screaming. ** [Seating Order: Azure, LoN, CCS, Gamer, Ness, BS] > I tossed my duffel bag onto the bed, listening with a faint, >aesthetic sense of satisfaction as the springs jangled under its >weight. CCS: Oh, good God... One line in and we're already getting dripping pretentiousness. Azure: But of course, what were you expecting from a fanfic author, humility? Gamer: I'm pretty sure the H's are ripped out of the fanfiction author's dictionary. No, wait... Hentai. Never mind! LoN: Hentai? Where!? BS: Why did you have to remind him of porn? >I couldn't really appreciate it, or the beauty of the >Scottish countryside surrounding the castle I was in, or the somewhat >oppressive wood-panel-and-paintings-of-dead-British-people decor of the >guest room I had been given, CCS: Help! Help! I'm being oppressed! Azure: Think you've got enough hyphens in there? BS: What a literary atrocity. And it's still just the beginning! Ness: There are paintings of dead people here? What is this, the Hotel California?! >or anything else about my situation at >the moment, though. I was too busy being mad at Zoner. CCS: ...Zoner?! The hell?! Gamer: At least he isn't "Drake, dark night of the malicious bloodline!" Azure: Betcha anything he's really a "Stoner". LoN: High as hell... writer sense tingling! > "I'm impressed," my partner was currently rambling, through >the open connecting door from his own adjacent room. Gamer: With the room or this fic's opening lines? BS: For the love of imagery, learn to write, you tyro! >"I figured they'd have gutted the inside and modernized it completely, rather >than trying to preserve the ambience. Or maybe it was originally bare >stone... " Gamer: What's so wrong with keeping to a theme!? CARING about something that doesn't immediately affect you is so alien!? Ness: A bare stone hotel... it must have gotten rave reviews... CCS: Tonight on "This Old Castle" with Bob Villa... BS: D'ya suppose they kept the old torture chamber? > My irritation with him, which had been smoldering since we >arrived in Edinburgh an hour before, reached a sort of breaking point. CCS and LoN (in unison): BAKUSAI TENKETSU! Azure: Damn you! I wanted to say that! LoN: It takes timing, Azure-kun. Gamer: ... Don't look at me. I'm Captain GAMER, not Captain Anime. LoN: We know and we will not hold it against you, for now. >I stuck my head through the doorway into his mirror-image room and >growled, > "I wish you wouldn't go around getting me into fights and not >telling me about them until after I'm committed. I haven't had time >to prepare for this at all! What the hell were you thinking?" CCS: Who said I was thinking? LoN: Azure: Who said the author was thinking when he wrote this? Ness: "...until after I'm committed?" To what, a madhouse? BS: Looney bins have standards too, ya know. > Zoner grinned an infuriating little grin through his dark >beard, and tossed his six-and-a-half-foot frame backward onto the bed, >making its springs jounce even harder. CCS: "Jounce"? Azure: Yet another author fails to use his spell checker. Gamer: O snap Ness: "Jounce": Jaunty bouncing. BS: Tifa's very good at jouncing. Azure: Thanks for reminding me, BS. ^_^ >Folding his hands behind his head, he kept right on grinning. > "Hey," he said, "you're the one who said you figured you were >ready to take a shot at the World Warrior bracket." > "For crissake, that was last Thursday!" I snapped. "I was >just thinking out loud." CCS: And yes I *do* think, so stop smirking! > "So? I saved you some time. You should thank me." > "I should throttle you!" CCS: Hey, whatever ends the fanfic sooner. Azure: Amen to that, brother. BS: Ditto. Gamer: Is it so wrong I went the other way and saw this going yaoi? I'll bang my head against a wall just in case. LoN: Yaoi you say, Gamer, I have a few friends who will love this then. BS: Kiruka, amongst others. > "Look, it makes sense, all right? You want to prove that >you're good enough to be a World Warrior. What better way to do that >than to take on one of the current ones? You win, you're in. You >lose, sure, you go down hard, but you get respect for trying. CCS: Unless you're beaten by Dan, Sodom or Birdie, in which case you get mocking laughter for weeks. Gamer: Yattaze! OYAJI! Ness: Boku wa itchy bun desu! LoN: Dan! Now there is a leader of a fighting team! Dan, Roll and Sakura on MvC2 for the win! Azure: Don't let them kid themselves, Schlueter, These guys would barely last five seconds with an unarmed Servbot. >Besides, you're not going to lose." > I took a deep breath, let it simmer in my lungs for a bit, Gamer: Why did you jinx iiiiiit? BS: Simmer? Someone hand this kid a thesaurus! CCS: And while that's simmering, how about we KICK IT UP A NOTCH? Azure: Oh, I'd like to kick SOMETHING up a notch, namely the pitch of the author's voice, all the way up to soprano. Ness: BAM! >and let it out again. "And you chose to set me up against this particular >one because... ?" > "Come on, you can figure that one out for yourself. What with >that little job we did for MI-6 last month, it was no big deal talking >them into giving you a shot at their house champion." CCS: Uh, yeah... MI-6 needed help from these bozos? I don't think so. Azure: Especially when they've got REAL asskickers like Cammy around. LoN: Mmmmmm, Cammy's high kicks. Ness: Why the heck are these newbies always working for MI-6 or Delta Red or Interpol?! Nobody wants to be just a wandering warrior anymore... BS: MI-6 pays better. > "With no time to prepare." CCS: Prepare! Prepare! You're always preparing! Just go! Azure: Won't stop, just GO! > "Back to that again?" Zoner asked, heaving himself up on his >elbows and narrowing his dark eyes at me. "Prepare hell. CCS and BS (in unison): On my signal, prepare hell! Gamer: The first ring is being retiled as we speak! Patience! Azure: Yes, prepare hell for these two bozos after that Servbot finishes mauling them to death. Ness: Heaven or Hell? Let's ROCK! >You're a one-man wrecking crew. You won't get any more prepared than you are >right now. You're in top form, and you won't get another shot like >this one." CCS: Geez... Ego-stroking, much? Azure: C'mon, this ambiguously gay duo want to stroke more than egos, and you know it. Gamer: THANK you! BS: Azure, been hanging out with Kiruka much? Azure: Actually, I'm not as opposed to him as I used to be... Unless he gets too close for comfort. >_> > What he said made sense, and that annoyed me even more. If >there's something I hate more than Zoner being presumptuous, it's >Zoner being right about it. CCS: INFIDEL!! Only *I* am allowed to be right! Gamer: I've got two words for these guys... "Dale Carnegie!" >I sat down in a wing-backed chair which was a lot less comfortable than it >looked, and glared at him. > "What's eating you, anyway?" he asked. Gamer: Um... Too easy. Never mind. LoN: I am the king of the Easy Jokes! Huttah! Uhm, what was the joke again? Azure: This whole fic is a joke, my friend. >"You weren't even this >wired when you fought Killer Kosloski, and the poor bastard who fought >-that- monster before you did bought a farm. CCS: Well, it was a good price and he got an 8.5% mortgage. Azure: Yeah, and an advertising gig with the Kosloski real estate firm. Gamer: Why, hello there, awkward sentence structure! LoN: OW! Brain pain... sentence to... hard to read... initiate... Shatner... Speak... Protocols! BS: Quick! He needs 50 CCs of hentai, stat! Azure: Roger that! Nurse Ami-chan! >What's the problem? It's not like any MI-6 fighter is going to go for a >fatality in an arranged match. It's business, right? You know how the Brits are >about fighting clean." Gamer: I say, when I impale your form on this magnificent blade, I do suggest you hold in your external bleeding. Otherwise, have at you! Azure: Yes, look at Birdie, he made sure to fight his opponents in a properly sanitized restroom. Ness: The toilet paper is NOT YOUR ENEMY! > He was way off the mark and we both knew it; he only said it >to make my glare falter a little. He knows me too goddamn well, >because as he said it, I felt it working. Gamer: Ohh, yes! It's working! It's WORKING! ...Okay, I gotta stop that. CCS: The tingle tells you its working! Azure: If it burns, its working! BS: Sounds like something a hooker would say. > And he saw it working, and when he did his face broke into an >even wider grin. "A-ha!" he announced. You don't want to fight her >'cause you've seen her picture. You're hot for her, and you don't >want to mess up her face." CCS: Okay... Britain... Female opponent... I'm guessing Cammy. Gamer: In that case you can't blame him. Anybody would want to wreck that chick. Not in the violent way, mind you. Azure: If this goes where I think it's going, then I'm SO gonna find this author and shove a Plasma Blade where the sun don't shine. Ness: I'm not sure... based on all the doujinshi I've read, does he really want to go for Bison's sloppy seconds? BS: Nothing wrong with the right kind of sloppy seconds. And Cammy is definitely the right kind of sloppy seconds. > I tried, unsuccessfully, to deepen my glare, which was >slipping fast, and replied unconvincingly, "I'm truly insulted." CCS: FOR THAT YOU MUST DIE! BS: YOU WILL DIE. Azure: Buddy, you don't know what a true insult is, but by the time we're done, you will. LoN: I'll show you a real insult; "Already Child, you dance with death!" Azure: ... Ness: You call that an insult?! Listen to THIS! Yo Mama's so fat, when she goes to Sea World, people pay HER! > "So what?" replied Zoner, his grin unwavering. "The truth >burns. C'mon, you've fought cute girls before. Remember Savannah >Firebrand? You took her out in forty-one seconds, and she was the >hottest thing I've ever seen outside the Orient. You didn't even >blink when she lost her top." CCS: Well, who would want to? BS: I've got a photographic memory. I'd be imprinting that view onto my retinas. Azure: Blink? Were it me, it'd be more like taking out a camera IN a blink. Gamer: Z-Z-ZOOM! > I remembered all too well. A cheap trick, that one, and it >bothered me still. "She did that on purpose," I grumbled. "Trying to >distract me." > "Didn't work, did it?" > I shrugged, reminiscence outrunning indignance. "She probably >wouldn't've scored with the backfist combo if I'd've been paying more >attention." > "Or less." CCS: Uh... Say what? Gamer: Now they're just throwing out contradictions randomly to sound insightful! When you TRY to be cool, you end up otherwise. BS: It's an attempt at a joke. See, if he had been paying less attention to her rack, she wouldn't have scored with the combo. Azure: Just smile and nod, it makes the BS fly by faster. BS: ... LoN: OW! The double contractions, they burn! > Damn! I felt my face smile despite my best efforts to keep a >scowl on it, and gave up. "Or less," I admitted. I slid into a >slouch, trying to make the chair more comfortable. It didn't work. >"It's not just what you're saying, though. I don't like fighting >government agents, especially government agents I'm supposed to be on >the same side as." > "You've fought friends before," Zoner replied, going >businesslike and returning to his hands-behind-the-head pose of >ceiling-contemplation. CCS: In fact, you beat them up the most. It's really embarrassing. >"And you haven't even met this girl." > I shrugged. CCS: It's none of my concern. Azure: .... Gamer: .... LoN: .... BS: .... >When you got right down to it, I couldn't really >identify what was making me feel so ambivalent about this fight, and I >told him so. > "Well," he replied after a moment's reflection, "like it or >not, you're committed now. I've got a ton of money riding on you, and >if you lose, we're walking home." Azure: Ooooh, he thinks using big words will make him look smart. Gamer: Ambivalent, adjective. characterized by a mixture of opposite feelings or attitudes. He used it correctly! I think. Thank YOU, dictionary.com CCS: Oh yeah. I bet your life savings, but that's okay, right? Ness: Sure. I'm a Mary Sue, I'm gonna win anyway. BS: But who are WE putting our money on? Azure: I'm putting my money on Bonne Jenet, or to be more precises, IN her g-string. ^_^ > My annoyance with him rushed back for a moment, then drained >away, replaced by the weariness that usually overtakes me when he does >something like that. I sighed, a long, tired, >all-but-the-vital-capacity sigh. Ness: This paragraph is dripping with yaoi. Get the towels. BS: And never let Kiruka read this. > "Not only must I fight, but now I'm obligated to win." > "In less than two minutes." > "I hope your shoes are up to a trans-Atlantic hike," I replied >resignedly. CCS: Oh, goody. He can walk on water too. Gamer: Plus the water he walks over will turn into wine as he goes, I bet. BS: An ocean of salty wine? Yuck. LoN: Can you make us all lunch with this? Azure: Of course, clichéd godmoder mary-sue insert character, remember? Ness: I am the King... OF KINGS! >"If I do win, it's not gonna be in under 120. Not >against a World Warrior." CCS: Well, you're gonna have to. The clock only goes to 99. Azure: Unless you set the timer to infinite. That's the only way to fight in my book. Gamer: Amen to that!! LoN: What? No 15 second perfects for you guys? And you call yourselves gamers, sheesh! BS: I've done that ONCE in my gaming career. I've also succeeded in KOing myself and Sagat at the same time. Double KO, baby! Ness: There's only ONE TRUE WAY to win a fight...and that is by K.O.! > "What happened to that confidence you used to have?" > "Replaced by an experienced optimism," I replied wryly. "I >have to think about this some more, I guess." I got up from the >uncomfortable chair and went toward the connecting door. "See you in >the morning." > "I'll be there," said Zoner, and he threw me a thumbs-up which >I returned somewhat more than half-heartedly before shutting the door. CCS: I bet that's the only time "Two Thumbs Up" will be used to describe this story. Azure: Two thumbs up... This author's rectum. LoN: Azure, that's... that's more gay than Kaworu Nagisa. BS: And that's pretty damned gay. CCS: Still not as gay as Benimaru Nikaido though. Azure: Beni's not gay! The chicks all dig him! CCS: Yeah. The chicks all loved Liberace too and he didn't wear a skintight belly shirt. Now shut up. Gamer: One second they're bitter, the next they're philosophers, and now they're best friend dudes? I demand consistency! ...And Jell-o! BS: What, aren't you like that with your friends? I know I am. > I'm not sure how long I lay there on the bed, hands behind my >head, thinking about everything and nothing at once. I do that >sometimes, especially after a long time on a droning airplane, making >conversation with MegaZone. CCS: "MegaZone"...?! Gamer: In Japan he was called "Rockzone." Ness: Where do they get these names?! Not even in Street Fighter do they have anything as RIDICULOUS as "MegaZone"! Azure: MegaZone, the heretofore unknown older brother of Megatron who secretly unknown to everyone is the mysterious Masked Racer! >I wasn't mad at him then, because I didn't know where we were going, >or why. I figured we were off on one of our little junkets to Europe >for lack of anything better to do; being richer than some small nations >and a part-time spy has a tendency to make Zoner's schedule a little on >the odd side. CCS: At least until last month when Sam, Alex and Clover caved his ass in and dropped him down a well. Azure: Too much information there, Schlueter. Gamer: Wow, we've got a Bruce Wayne type godmode here. Yanno, if Sam is the smart one, and Clover is the trendy one, what is Alex? CCS: The unintentionally hilarious, athletic one. LoN: The Sexy one. Ness: Or the ho, if Margaret Cho is to be believed... CCS: She isn't. BS: But we can change that, can't we? CCS: No, you can't. Now shut up. Azure: I always thought Alex was the lovable goof. You know, like Farah Fawcett and Cameron Diaz in Charlie's Angels? >Me, I'm just along for the ride, unless I have a match, which I didn't know I >had. CCS: And now to end the fic, I will set fire to myself with it. Azure: And then, I'll finish the job by electrocuting him. Gamer: Good luck. I'd bet Deus ex Machina will just reset everything. Gamer: WHY DON'T YOU JUST LET STUFF HAPPEN, HUH!? LoN: This Deus is muscling in on Will-chan's territory. Will of the Macrocosm: That's it, bitch! CCS: ...Well, that was random... BS: ...no kidding? Here I thought it was ordinary. > I had been on a sort of working vacation for the past month or >so. I'd been thinking of going for the World Warrior bracket since my >fight with Art Lean in London, back in June. Art's a damn good >fighter, CCS: I guess that makes him the Art of Fighting! Ha! Azure: I'll sue his ass! Gamer: Too soon! Ness: Do you know the Art of Fighting? Azure: I hate the Art of Fighting, but I wanna be the King of Fighters! >and a year ago we were just about even, so I was surprised by >the ease with which I took him out. CCS: I guess Art was a total slut after all. Azure: ...I didn't need that mental image, Schlueter. LoN: Yes, you did, Azure-kun. Gamer: Talk about Art for Art's sake. BS: And I thought I was an evil punmaster. I say, well done, Gamer. >I guess I've been progressing faster than I expected. At any rate, >after fighting Art, I holed up in Worcester to train, preparing myself >for a World Warrior bid, CCS: What? Was he planning to buy Chun Li on eBay?! It doesn't work that way. Believe me, I've tried. Although I did get a good deal on Juli and Juni as a package set. BS: WHAT?! IT WAS YOU?! LoN: CCS, I'll give you fifty bucks for Juni, you can keep her uniform. Azure: So YOU were the one who outbid me on that! Damn my laziness and multitasking! Ness: You just don't want to admit you still have shitty Dial-up! Gamer: Pff, on things like that you need to pay the end-all price or the bidding will just escalate. That how I got my Sakura Kasugano. Now I'm on hundreds of hit lists. CCS: That reminds me, I still owe a couple of grand to N.E.S.T.S. I managed to get Kula Diamond during their going out of business sale. Ness: Meanwhile, nobody bid on Angel, and now she's lying in a dump, somewhere. At least she's where she belongs, with the rest of the trash. BS: Was she? I guess I have to go dumpster diving. Azure: I would have bought her, but I spent all my cash on Mary and Vanessa after that disappointment with the dolls... >letting Zoner hop the globe having his adventures without me for a >while. My fellow fighters extended a semi-professional courtesy and >refrained from challenging me. I figured with another month of >training I'd be ready to take a shot at it. Ness: A "courtesy"? More like they're showing incredible restraint from kicking his ass. > Then I made the mistake of mentioning the reason for my >downtime to Zoner. > Somewhere in the middle of my ponderings, I fell asleep. Jet >lag, don't you know. CCS: Zoner, are you pondering what I'm pondering? Azure: I think so, Brain, but where are we gonna find a duck and a rubber hose at this hour? Gamer: Dangit, that bit only needs two. BS: Narf. LoN: > Eyrie Productions, Unlimited > presents > > A Third Universe from the Right Production > of a > Straight On Till Morning Film Gamer: Um, what? I've never heard of either of those. CCS: Previews are worthless! Listen to my soooong!! Ness: "A 'Straight On Till Morning' Film?" THIS IS NOT A FILM, THIS IS A FANFIC! And that sounds like the title to a porno. > STREET FIGHTER: > WARRIOR'S LEGACY > > BATTLE 01: FRIENDSHIP CCS: Let's all be friends. ^-^ Azure: The power... OF FRIENDSHIP! Gamer: ...And the super power of TEAMWORK! Tomo Takino: What are friends for? CCS: ...How did she get in here? BS: I blame LoN. Ness: Why can't we be friends, why can't we be friends? > Benjamin D. Hutchins > >with the gracious assistance of (in no particular order): Martin Rose, >James Rinehart, Phil Moyer, Rob Shannon, Derek Bacon, Rich Pieri, Amy > Johnson, Pearson Mui, and, of course, > > MegaZone CCS: ...MegaZone... Good grief... Azure: Boy, Megatron's aniki is everywhere these days. Gamer: I would SO love to see an author whose pen name is prefixed with "Micro" or something. LoN: ... What?! BS: You promised you wouldn't use that book anymore! Ness: "Derek Bacon"? Let's play "Six Degrees"! > and abject apologies to anyone I might have forgotten to list CCS: Save the apologies for the readers, Hutchins. Azure: Apologies will not save him from true justice! YEAH! Gamer: LOVE AND PEACE! LOVE AND PEACE! Come on, join me! LOVE AND PEACE! CCS: I don't know him... > (c) 1995 Eyrie Productions, Unlimited > > I awoke to the sound of a polite rapping on the corridor door, CCS: So I put away my book of forgotten lore... Gamer: ... And crossed the ground like I had done before... Azure: Never more! ...Seriously, write this kind of crap never more! LoN: Azure, that joke was worse than the fic itself... Kill yourself. BS: They had a theme going. It's not his fault. Now children, I do not advocate suicide, but sometimes, just sometimes people have to take themselves out of the gene pool for the goodness of humanity. Ness: What about me? WHAT ABOUT RAVEN?! BS: Hark quoth Raven. Azarath Metrion Zinthos! >and after the brief shock of waking in unfamiliar surroundings, I >remembered who I was, where I was and why. BS: And ran outta there like a bat outta hell. Gamer: MARIA! CCS: Who am I? Where am I? What am I looking for? Azure: AHHHH! Why did this happen?! Wh... WHATAMIFIGHTINGFORRRRRRRRRRR?!! >A glance at my watch told me that it was 6 AM Worcester time, which would put the local time at >11. Gamer: Because, yanno, I had no sense to set my watch. CCS: No one will be seated during the thrilling "Time Calculation" scene. BS: Don't forget to sterilize the bathroom this time, Azure! >I got out of bed, noticing that I'd managed to sleep in my >clothes, and opened the door. > The same tall, thin butler fellow who had greeted Zoner and I >the night before was standing there. > "Begging your pardon, sir," he said, in the accent they >program into men like him at butler school, CCS: There's a call for you one the red phone, Master Bruce. Ness: It's Jeeves! Yo, Jeeves, I need to ASK you something! BS: That was atrocious. >"but lunch is served in the Great Hall." > "Oh, uh... thank you," I replied. "I'll be along shortly... >just need to get cleaned up and such." > "Very good, sir," the butler said, and moved on down the >corridor to wake Zoner. Gamer: ROCK BEATS ZONER!! *tosses a rock* CCS: Uhhh... Zoner's not here, man... > I felt no need to stick around for that, having done it far >too often myself, so I ditched my slept-in clothes and went into the >large bathroom connected to my room. It was a lot better-appointed >than I would have expected a bathroom in a Scottish castle to be, with >lots of marble and shiny brass fixtures. All mod cons, as it were. >Hotel-style, the whole wall above the recessed marble sink was a >mirror. I stood in front of it for a moment and regarded the fellow >looking back at me; hotel mirrors always make me contemplative. Gamer: Chicken... or egg? Chicken... or egg? LoN: BS: CCS: How do I love me? Let me count the ways? Azure: That's right, keep looking in the mirror, that way you'll never see the bomb I planted BEHIND the mirror. MUHUHAHAHA! > After a while, the fellow in the mirror shrugged, his brows >crooking as if to say, What do you want me to say? I'm just as much >in the dark as you are. CCS: The narrator's so dumb he doesn't even understand himself. Azure: That sure explains quite a bit. Gamer: EEEEMOOOO! Just great, I hope this guy doesn’t make all the other brooding OCs look like a cheerier Lilith Aensland. That doesn't include Shadow the Hedgehog, since he is NOT emo. LoN: Don't go knocking Lilith, Capt. Gamer, she is no Emo, she is real goth, goth like Jesus. Ness: I am QUITE CERTAIN Jesus did NOT paint His fingernails black, NOR did He EVER visit a Spencer's Gifts store. Azure: Yeah. Everyone knows that Jesus was f'in metal. > So, shrugging in return, I did what people do in the bathroom >in the morning. The shower was cavernous, and the high-pressure spray >made me wonder if the near-scalding water was being driven right under >my skin. It felt terrific. Gamer: This guy can't even do fanservice right! BS: Mind's eye must be blinded. CCS: Yeah, really hot water forced *under* your skin sounds *real* pleasant. > Bounding out of the shower with renewed energy, I dried myself >off with a towel so big I could have used it for a tent, and so thick >it felt like it was made out of double-sided shag carpet. I wondered >if the MI-6 folks would think it gauche of me if I made them an offer >on a few of their towels, or at least asked where they got them. CCS: I didn't dare steal them, because the last guy who did that... Ugh... Azure: Let's just say that he had to wash Edmond Honda's loincloths for six months. BS: Talk about sadistic... Gamer: NOOOOOOOOO!!! Ness: Bacon strips are not attractive. >I used another to wipe myself a clear area in the mirror so I could >watch the other fellow brush his shoulder-blades-long brown hair and >tie it back with a stretchie, made sure his beard didn't look too >scruffy, and gave him a wink before heading out to the bedroom to get >dressed. Gamer: Narcissism, thy name is... uh, what is this guy's name anyway? Azure: We don't know, and we don't care. > I don't spend too terribly much on my working wardrobe. I've >never particularly felt a need to get all done up in special fighting >togs. My regular clothes are what I learned in; my regular clothes >are what I feel best fighting in. Jeans and a t-shirt suit me fine, >I'm a pretty simple guy. Today's t-shirt was my lucky Far Side shirt, >a gift from my mother depicting the classic Midvale School for the >Gifted cartoon. I sometimes adopt bracers rather than a belt to keep >my pants up, but they make for a bit of a liability in a fight, so I >don't wear them for matches. CCS: We don't care how you keep your pants up, Ben. Just get on with it. Ness: Try keeping your pants up with rainbow suspenders *snicker*. Do it. Do it. Gamer: Oh, so the character is self-named? LoN: BS: Don't bother. He used a mallet on himself. >The weather in Scotland, even in August, tends toward chilliness, so I >shrugged into my trusty old red flannel frostproof, clearly marking myself >as a Maine native (plaid flannel is a Pacific Northwest thing; red flannel >ain't the grunge look, kiddies). CCS: Yeah, I bet every Maine native curses the memory of Kurt Cobain for stealing their look. LoN: I curse everyone who blames that look on Kurt Cobain. It's all Dave Grohl's fault > I sat down on the bed for a second to tie up my green >All-Stars. A tip from my old pal Terry Bogard: CCS: Don't stick your face in a bag of angry squirrels. Azure: Hey, at least he got to be patched up by Mary afterwards, you know you'd do the same if it meant spending quality time with THAT young lady. Gamer: Duly noted! LoN: Trust me it will be funnier this way. BS: Funnier, yes. But stinkier, too. >expensive fighting boots get ruined in a fight and cost you a load of money; >All-Stars give you all of the same near-barefoot sensitivity for thirty bucks, >keep tacks and little rocks out of your feet, and if they rip you can >patch them with duct tape. Ness: This guy is the Martha Stewart of Shoes. Gamer: OBJECTION!!! Azure: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?! TERRY NEVER WORE BOOTS IN HIS LIFE, YOU LYING BASTARD! LoN: STAND DOWN, Azure! This actually makes sense and is why Terry wears Converse! He's not talking from personal experience, but from the dumb asses whom he's broken the shoes of. Gamer: Um... way to be diplomatic there... BS: Diplomacy isn't a strong point here. >That magical substance, and faith, was about all that was holding the right sole on; it was about time for >a new pair. BS: I may have to give the author at least a few IQ points back. He actually knows the manifold uses of duct tape! > I put on one of my many caps, this one my beat old gray-green >soldier with no clever slogan or patch, just a daub of paint from a >summer spent painting window frames and doors. Then I made sure >everything I needed to be in my pockets was, and everything I didn't >need was in my duffel bag, and met Zoner in the corridor to head for >lunch. > We're a bit of a Mutt and Jeff team, really. People tend to >think, at six foot six and three hundred pounds, that he's the street >fighter, all got up in black denim with his long dark hair and his >deep dark eyes and his manner just screaming Way of the Warrior. CCS: Funny, his manner has me screaming something else. Azure: Like "LOSER MARY SUE!"? Gamer: I was thinking "KHAAAAAAAAN!!" LoN: Heh, I was thinking "KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRK!" >They tend to miss the .45 automatic he packs under that black jean jacket. CCS: Yeah, because MI-6 never checks strangers for weapons. >He's a pretty good fighter, but given his druthers he'd rather stay >behind a rod and do the talking. His real talent is behind the >controls of an airplane, anyway. He's the best pilot I've ever seen, >and I've seen a few. If Zoner told me he was going to land our >Hercules on a surfaced submarine, I'd believe him. I'd buckle my seat >belt and offer up a prayer to Skuld, but I'd believe him. CCS: Skuld?! What's wrong with you, you frickin' moron?! Belldandy-sama rules! Azure: Bah, Urd owns your soul! LoN: Skuld is the goddess of the FUTURE, she is not only the most appropriate of the trio, she is also the queen of the Kawaii. BS: Amen! Gamer: GWAH! My Anime-deprived brain swims with confusion! LoN: Good Lord, Gamer, we need to fix you. BS: ...LoN, Gamer is running in terror of you because of that. Ness: What about me? I was raised almost entirely on Toonami! Your non-mainstream anime frightens and confuses me! Azure: Ness, I reccommend you see Shadow Skill and Fighting Beauty Wulong. Much martial arts madness with hot chicks. ^_^ > Those same people see me, ten inches shorter and altogether >less imposing, and figure I'm the gunsel. They scan my somewhat >oversized clothes looking for the hidden pistol they just know must be >in there, not realizing that I really wear clothes that are too big >because I just don't like the feel of tight clothes. Gamer: That would be VERY much different if you were female. CCS: True. Just look at Yuri Sakazaki. ^-^ Azure: Or Rogue from the X-Men. Ness: It's easy to move in this! Doesn't that armor slow you down? >That same feature of my wardrobe obscures my stocky build, so most people never >realize unless they run up against it that my five-eight weighs just >about the same as Zoner's six-six. You could call me solidly built. CCS: Solidly built, huh? Well, I'm six feet and weigh around two hundred, he's four inches shorter and weighs three hundred. I'm guessing "solidly built" is a code word for "E. Honda's pudgy brother"? Azure: Wow, Schlueter. Do they have good gyms in Canada? LoN: Wow, we all are big guys. BS: No, we're all not. I'm five foot ten and one hundred and fifty pounds. Gamer: The question is if that's the actual problem, though. This is an MST of a Street Fighter fan fic. That says something right there. >Fifteen years of studying Ler Drit, for my money the world's most >demanding martial art, will do that to a person. CCS: Ha, ha! It sure will! Anybody got a clue what this moron is talking about? Azure: Yes, he's talking about some fake martial art he came up with to look all badass, but will wind up making us laugh and hurl insults at him. Gamer: Ler Drit... It sounds like a random utterance after being delivered crotch blow. Ness: Hmph. According to Wikipedia, it's actually spelled "Lerdrit". And it actually exists. Phooey. He got us that time. BS: Even an idiot is right occasionally. Right, CCS? CCS: What are you implying? > After the obligatory round of insults and shoulder-punching, >Zoner and I headed for lunch in the Great Hall. >Mind you, we didn't exactly know where the Great Hall was, but we could smell the food, >and that's all a couple of hungry Americans need. Gamer: THAT'S RACIST!! Ness: You are a racist, ma'am! You are a racist! LoN: Everyone's a little bit racist. BS: But don't tell American lawmakers that. > The Great Hall of Castle MacLir was appropriately named. It >was an enormous vaulted room the size of the George W. Stearns >Memorial High School gym, but with a higher ceiling. CCS: Oh, well *that* explains *everything*! Azure: Everything about nothing, unless of course you went to the same high school as this retard of an author. Gamer: Real... life... inside... references? WHAT THE HELL!!? WHAT THE FIREY BLOOD-AND-BONE-ENCRUSTED HELL!!? Ohh... the tolerant nice-guy Gamer act ends now, fool. BS: He's reached 212 degrees Fahrenheit! Take cover! >An enormous Union Jack draped one of the narrower walls, between two stained glass >windows. The other wall was occupied entirely by the biggest pipe >organ I had ever seen, and the Bach-lover in my heart ached for a >moment to hear it played. There were long tables lining the >flagstoned floor of the room, all of which had people dressed as if >for the office seated and dining at them. The butler fellow met us at >the door and took us to the table we were to sit at this morning. > Halfway there we were intercepted by a young woman in jeans >and a button shirt that looked too big, in the way that men's shirts >often do on women, even when they really aren't. Gamer: You couldn't just say that she's well endowed? We're not all 12-year-olds, here. Ness: She's a buxom wench, isn't she? BS: His weak attempt at fanservice should be punished. Azure: Yeah, punished with a shuriken between the eyes. >She was shorter than I, which is something that doesn't happen all that often, with very >long blonde hair done up in a pair of ponytails that trailed off down >almost to the ground, and wide, earnest blue eyes. CCS: Hey! I called it. It is Cammy! Gamer: Lemme guess, one of them will talk with Cammy for two second and suddenly a MYSTERIOUS TWINGE will erupt in both of them to be revisited later. Ness: I will refrain from making jokes about a MYSTERIOUS TWINGE erupting in his trousers. LoN: Sit down and make jokes! BS: ...how much morphine do we have on reserve? I may want to avoid future brain damage by a self-induced coma. >She grinned at me with teeth that were way too white and even to be human, stuck a hand >out, and said, > "Hey there. You must be MegaZone." > ... I hate it when that happens. CCS: Cue laugh track. BS: Azure: More like, "Cue barf track". Gamer: Ferris Bueller had one. LoN: Ferris Bueller wins. FLAWLESS VICTOLY > But I grinned back just the same, stuck my hand out in return, >and said, "Actually, my name is Ben, and I'll be your waiter for this >evening." CCS: You're so frickin' lame, Hutchins. Azure: YOU SUCK! Gamer: He failed to land correctly! Ness: FAILURE. > She looked at me quizzically, looked up at Zoner, looked back >at me, realized her mistake, and laughed. "Sorry. Common mistake, >right? I'm Cammy, and I take it you're Gryphon." Gamer: "Gryphon?" "GRYPHON??" Thank you, you've been a great audience. CCS: That's right. And since I'm this story's Self-Insert you can start kissing my butt anytime, baby. Azure: Funny, when *I* met Cammy, she nearly killed me and I was happy that Akari saved my sorry butt... LoN: When I met Cammy, she it was at the Playboy Mansion and she was drunk hanging out with Juni and Juli... Now that was a show. Ness: I assume we'll be given full details of this encounter after the fanfic, LoN? BS: Even better. He brought the tape. > This time, our stuck-out hands actually connected somewhere in >the middle, and we shook. She had a nice grip -- firm, assertive, and >dry, without any of that knuckle-crushing posturing that men in suits >like to indulge in. She had a nice smile, too. In fact, considering >it, I couldn't think of a single thing she had that wasn't nice, and >most of the things she didn't have were nice in their absence. CCS: Okay, Ben, we get it. It was nice. Azure: Nice and sickening, you bloody fanboy. BS: As a writer, I am appalled by this sloppy bit of work. SECURITY! Gamer: I have you clocked at four nices. Okay buddy, let's see your fanfiction license and registration. No, this is your BRAIN'S license and registration... which is expired anyway! Ness: OOH, BURN! > I nodded backward, nearly hitting Zoner in the chest with the >back of my head, since he had kept walking for another couple of steps >and had nearly rammed me from behind when I stopped. "This one's >Zoner." CCS: We call him that because of his addiction to Happy Pills. Azure: Well, at least it's better than being addicted to coma pills... Gamer: Nope, those too. Ness: If only we had coma pills before we went to read this fic... BS: We have morphine. That should help. LoN: Happy Piiiiiills, they make everything niiiiiiiiiiice~<3! > I stepped aside and she shook Zoner's hand as well, and, >sliding his eyes sideways toward me in one of those covert looks that >says, "I approve," he said it was nice to meet her. Gamer: Survey SAYS! DING! It's a pleasure to meet you! That's five dollars a point... > I ignored him and sat down at the nearest table. CCS: What? No linen tablecloths? Well, I suppose we could rough it. > The food was excellent, if basic, and not what I had >half-dreadingly anticipated at a Scottish castle. Ness: I thank you for not making the overdone "haggis" joke. Azure: Mmm... The stomach, liver and lungs of a sheep boiled in its own juices... Now THAT'S a meal! BS: A surprise indeed. >The company, for my >soon-to-be opponent sat with us, was effervescent, and the >conversation as good as the food. We talked about the circuit, >discovered that we had a few mutual friends (Art Lean among them), I >rambled at length about New England, and Zoner put in his two dollars' >worth about the spy biz. All in all, it was the best lunch I've had >in a while, and it was too bad that it had to end. Gamer: Effervescent, adjective. Giving off bubbles. Mmm, no. Marked by high spirits or excitement; "his fertile effervescent mind" All right, passable. LoN: A level of chipper that could only be drug induced. BS: Clear signs of a Prozac addiction? > When it did, we all stood up, and Cammy said, "The match is >scheduled for 2 o'clock this afternoon, so we have some time to >prepare. Norris will let you know when it's time, all right?" > "Sure thing," I replied. Her grin, and her good humor, were >infectious. CCS: Let's hope grammar is infectious too, 'cause you need it. Gamer: The inexplicable and arbitrary love begins... Azure: He's gonna need a coroner, too. You know, for when I'm done KILLING HIM FOR MARY SUE-ING ALL OVER CAMMY! LoN: Azure, its getting old, man. Damn. You going all Ninja at every slight, no wonder Trixie says she could never fall for you. CCS: Did she say anything about me? BS: Something about you being a wimpy fanboy. CCS: Is that good or bad? Azure: Thank you for that, BS... Wait... TRIXIEEEEEE! > "See you then," she said, and trotted away. > "Remember," said Zoner, leaning over to murmur into my ear, >"it's a long walk back." > "Get stuffed, Zoner," I said cheerily, and headed back to my >room to prepare myself. > My method of preparing for a fight is pretty simple. When I >got back to my room, I kicked off my shoes, untied my hair, lay down >on top of the neatly made bed, tipped my cap over my eyes, and went to >sleep. BS: Atrocious! Arbitrary switching of tense! CCS: I guess nothing prepares you for a fight like... grogginess? Gamer: Seriously, if you get less than four hours of sleep, all you get is the sleepy feeling when you wake up. Azure: According to Brad Wong, it's more like nothing prepares you for a fight like getting totally wasted. LoN: Booze and Herb is all you need to win a Street Fighter fight. Ness: If that was true, Cheech and Chong would be undefeated. > I can't say I was thrilled with the venue chosen for our >match. Of all the places I would choose for a fight, a narrow stone >catwalk across a Yawning Emptiness isn't even on the list. It beats >that training ground I saw in China once -- all poles and ponds -- but >not by much. CCS: I fell into something called "The Spring of Drowned Wanker", but nothing happened. I guess the legends were a bust after all. >That Cammy had chosen this place to fight in told me >something potentially useful: she is not afraid of high places. > Unfortunately, I am. Gamer: Character flaw? Where's that come from anyway? He's been in PLANES! BS: Difference. You don't have to look down in a plane. > But, no worries. This is the part where I reminisce about my >Honored Sensei, which you should have been expecting, if you've ever >seen any movie by Bruce Lee or anyone who wanted to be him. CCS: I'd rather be Jackie Chan personally. Azure: I'd rather be Jet Li. Did you ever see Hero? My boy Li TOTALLY whooped ass in that. Gamer: Fei Long has openings. Ness: Have you forgotten Marshall Law has a new dojo now? > Her name was Rose. CCS: ....Oh, you have *got* to be f%^@ing kidding me!! Ness: Mama mia. THAT was unexpected. Gamer: No! Guh... Noo! This is even worse then when [Insert Final Fantasy VII character] was killed by [Insert Final Fantasy VII character]! Except there are MORE victims dying in more horrible ways!! LoN: okay, this I approve. I'll even uncase the Bazooka for this. BS: Bazooka is too quick. I'm sure Azure has something better in mind. Azure: Okay Poppy, make sure you get the scent of that author so you'll know who exactly to maul whilst I use this sword for random stabbity DEATH! >I don't know if she had any other names to >complete the usual set, or if, in fact, that was really her name. It >doesn't matter all that much to me, either; Rose was always good >enough for me. > I always knew who I was talking about. I didn't know >a lot about Rose. The rest of her names, if any; how old she was; >where she came from. This much I knew: she was an old friend of my >grandfather's, she had come to Millinocket, Maine (the geometric >center, assuming Euclidean properties, of nowhere) CCS: Oh, I get it. Hahahaha! I hate you, Hutchins. Azure: You can't POSSIBLY hate him as much as I do, Schlueter... Gamer: I see your hate and raise you loathe! LoN: I see that and toss on some Bemused Wonderment. BS: Atrocious writing. I hereby issue a ban. This author is never to write again. CCS: ...Yeah. That could happen. >by way of Thailand, but probably didn't originally hail from there; >and I was, from the age of four, her only student. > Rose was around the same age as my grandfather, as far as I >know, and to look at she was ageless and around thirty. She had a >fondness for trench coats and fedora hats which she passed on to me >along with Ler Drit, and a sort of haunted look that always bothered >me when I was a kid, mostly because she would refuse to explain it >until I was nearly twenty. > She was a hard teacher, but then, Ler Drit is a hard subject. CCS: Which was why I sucked at it. Gamer: He really did. Azure: And when you suck at a nonexistent martial art, well, that's when it's life re-assessment time, kiddo. LoN: Of all the fictional martial arts, why not suck at Panzer Kunst! At least then you'd have bad ass giant robots to kill you! BS: Not fictional, boys. Make fun of him to your utmost, but give him his due. CCS: Look, as far as Lerdrit is concerned, Ben is probably making it up as he goes anyway so, for all intents and purposes, it may as well be fictional. >Not as outright brutal as most who even recognize its name believe, >but then, most of them are thinking of the mockery of the style that >M. Bison has made of it in the twenty years since he started building >his empire. Gamer: Trivia, nobody calls him by the full M. Bison in the Street Fighter world. LoN: That Crazy Red Evil guy or Bison or MISTER BISON! O: Ness: But don't call him Mike Bison, or he'll bite your ear off! Azure: I just always call him Vega. You know, his REAL name. >It's certainly not as brutal as the training regimen for >Muay Thai. I know -- I compare notes with a Muay Thai champion >semi-regularly. Joe is fond of the "why, when I was your age" method >of horror-story-from-my-training-days-telling. CCS: Yeah, well Joe Higashi is almost as full of shit as you are, Ben. Azure: Hey, at least Joe can actually FIGHT! ...Well, when he's not mooning people... Gamer: Are you kidding? The moonage is an integral factor in Joe's fighting style! LoN: Mine too. Ness: Well, now I see why Dan teamed up with him! BS: That isn't a recommendation. > You're expecting me to tell you now about the time when I was >ten or so that Rose found out I was scared of heights, and promptly >made me walk some kind of a tightrope over a windy chasm, at the >bottom of which awaited a nasty crunching death, to conquer my fear. >Well, I hate to disappoint you, but she did no such thing. It's none >of your business what she did. Gamer: Believe me, you had us disappointed LONG before that. CCS: I just thought I'd ramble for a few paragraphs and pad the story a bit. Azure: You know, if I were in my right mind right now and not the subject of massive fanboyism, I'd have snapped your neck in two by now. Ness: If Rose HAD made you walk the tightrope, and HAD you fallen to a nasty crunching death, you would not be here to tell us this story today. And I would be doing something more enjoyable with my time, like using my toothbrush to clean my toilet! >Suffice it to say that I'm still afraid of heights, just as I am afraid of many things, >but I don't let it stop me. > I took a deep breath of the clean Scottish air, let it out, >and stepped off the outer curtain onto the catwalk, letting my arms >and loosely at my sides, willing the tension out of my muscles. Ness: I do my little turn on the catwalk, yeah on the catwalk... > I >checked to make sure that my gloves were fastened securely; they were. >It's more a nervous habit than anything else that I do that. Across >from me, separated by perhaps fifteen feet of catwalk, Cammy awaited. CCS: Any day now, wanker boy! Gamer: Which probably isn't a good nickname for you anyway if you catch my drift! Azure: You know, I almost wish Hakufu Sonsaku were here. She'd have just kicked the crap out of everyone, gotten her shirt shredded in the process, and promptly ended this suckfest. BS: And turned it into a boobfest, you mean. Azure: You say that as if it were a bad thing, BS. > She had changed into her battle gear, which consisted of a >green leotard, a pair of nasty-looking combat boots, a pair of equally >nasty-looking armored vambraces, a beret, and some shoe polish. Gamer: Nice use of the word "nasty." It TOTALLY gives us the illusion that your writing is descriptive. Less is more in a lot of cases! Ness: Hey, give him a break. We've had to endure whole PARAGRAPHS telling us about the hotel bathroom! Do we really need eight more sentences about Cammy's footwear? CCS: Shoe polish? Big bad spy guy Ben hasn't heard of camo paint before? Azure: Hell, he hasn't even heard of "Proper characterization" before. BS: Or of proper grammar. >Arrayed along the inner curtain at her end of the catwalk, the >spectators began to cheer as we walked out, meeting in the middle, >separated by only a few feet. She settled into a ready stance, feet >placed as if she were standing on a surfboard, right fist raised in >front of her face, left fist curled before her body, rocking slowly >back and forth on the balls of her feet. Gamer: Well, THAT was as pointless as every four out of five episodes of Dragon Ball Z. CCS: INTENSE... STANCE DESCRIPTION... ACTION!!! Azure: BS: *WHACK* Wake up. If I suffer, as do you. > I anticipated a couple of things about her fighting style. >The first was that it would be longer on kicks than punches. She was >clearly strong, but the simple, incontrovertible fact of her stature >would limit her upper body strength. Train all she might, she could >only throw a punch so hard. CCS: Ben? That's true of *everybody*. BS: Let him have his moment. He's "strategizing". >So I was betting that kicks would form the bulk of her arsenal. The second was >that she would come as close as a Brit could come to fighting dirty. Special >Forces fighters always fight on the verge of dirty. But that's OK. I can handle >dirty fighting. Ness: She's gonna use illegal weapons, low blows, spitting mist, salt to the eyes, and lots of biting. Just like she's done in all the Street Fighter games. CCS: Uh... Ness? You're thinking of Killer Kahn. Azure: Personally, I prefer Queen Cobra. BS: Cammy doesn't just bite in battle. She also bites in... Azure: Wrong Capcom babe, BS. You're thinking of Felicia. > I smiled, stretched my arms back until my sternum popped most >satisfactorily, and adopted one of my own, knees bent, feet apart >(left slightly ahead of right), left fist at the ready, right hand >open and extended to the side as if for balance. Unconsciously, I >found myself rocking to her rhythm. Gamer: My power level is one million! My power level is two million! My power level is three million! My power level is, uh, CONSTANTLY RISING! Yeah! CCS: Lovely. Is the DBZ style build up over with yet? Azure: zzzzZZZZZZzzzz... BS: What did I tell you before, damn it! LoN: World fighter grade Ex-Lax anyone? > Norris, the faithful butler, stepped to the inner end of the >catwalk and queried, "Champion ready?" > "Ready!" Cammy replied, and threw me a wink. > "Challenger ready?" > "Ready!" I replied, returning it. > > /* ZZ Top "Sharp Dressed Man" _Eliminator_ */ LoN: Not the ELMINATOR? Gamer: No... no... no... he did NOT just do what I think he did. Stop trying to transcend the limitations of fan fiction! CCS: Oh God... Ben brought his own soundtrack... And it's ZZ Top. Azure: Okay, I admit the way he did that sucked, but no dissing ZZ Top while I'm around. Ness: HA HA HA HA! This fanfic has just reached "Ax 'Em" levels of unintentional hilarity! And it's "SHARP DRESSED MAN"! I can not think of a more inappropriate song for a fight scene! GAH HA HA HA HA!!! BS: I can. > "Fight!" Norris barked, and she came at me like a tornado, >skipping forward with something that was like a spinning backfist, but >with a fascinating little dance step in the middle. I ducked it, >dropping low and throwing my left fist, and got in the first hit, >hearing her grunt as my fist plowed into her midriff. Her knee bashed >into my face, and only a quick turn of my head prevented her from it >from bloodying my nose; CCS: Hurts, doesn't it? >I bounced away, coming up with a strange warm >moisture on my cheek. Reaching up, I smeared it with my fingers and >looked; it was green shoe polish, of course. Ness: Her paint's rubbing off on her opponent. The eventual result of any given Sting/Golddust match. Gamer: Looks to be a one-sided ass kicking so far. Lon: You know, this fight is more entertaining than the fic's fight. BS: > While I was wasting my time with that pointless observation, >she plowed a boot into my gut, sending me stumbling back toward the >outer curtain. All righty, then! CCS: Do NOT go in there! Azure: Hhhhhhlike a glov-ah! Ness: LOO-HOO-SEH-HER! Gamer: If this fight isn't over in two minutes... wait longer! BS: Too much Jim Carrey. Azure: No such thing as too much Jim Carrey... Unless you're talking about Man in the Moon, that movie blew chunks. >I dug in with my backmost foot and reversed direction, starting a run >toward her, and gathered my Ler. CCS: ...in my old kit bag. > I don't know what language "Ler Drit" comes from, but Rose >always told me it translates into English as "Lifeforce Combat". I >suppose that makes one's Ler equivalent to one's Chi or ki or the >Force or whatever you want to call it. Gamer: What if word order for proper nouns goes in reverse? Thought about that? CCS: This author is dangerous. They all can sense it, why can't you? Azure: He's dangerous alright, dangerously boring. BS: I so love people who have no grasp of a language attempting etymology. > Thanks to Rose's teaching, I can do some pretty spiffy things >with my Ler. Gamer: Nope, once again... too easy. BS: Easier than Paris Hilton, really. LoN: Where did this soup come from? Azure: A wizard did it. >Things like shoving it out of my body and making it >flame up around my hand. It isn't a hot flame -- more like an >electrical shock -- but it can sure pack a jolt. I flared it on my >left fist and dove in for a good, old-fashioned left cross, but my >opponent was already airborne. A year ago I would have been startled >enough by this to lose my concentration and let the flarefist >dissipate, wasting the energy, but not today. Instead I dug in with >my forward foot and halted my charge, rocking back on my stance and >going to block the flying kick she was trying to lay on me. > Except that she wasn't trying to kick me at all. I'd heard >about this move, and as appealing as the concept may seem to -you-, I >didn't relish the idea of getting my head trapped between those >steel-cord thighs. CCS: Ah, yes, the frankensteiner throw. Now seen primarily in "Rumble Roses" It's a classic. ^-^ BS: A favorite classic! Azure: Schlueter, you know nothing. Scott Steiner MADE the frankensteiner. Ness: Ah, you've been studying! Very good, Grasshopper! Gamer: My boyish fantasies! Why are they all replaced by that image!? Damn you, Azure! >Not out here, anyway. Besides, we had only just >met. BS: Cute. If he were better at writing, it might have even been amusing. CCS: Hell, I want to know a girl for at least a day before I let her wrap her legs around my head. Azure: Likes to move slow, that one does. Gamer: Hey, if a girl does such a thing to me, I'd just respond in a way that we WEREN'T in a fight setting. He said he had no problem with dirty fighting, right? >So I did what anybody with half a clue would have done, and >ducked, throwing myself into a forward roll and reversing as I came to >my feet. > She wasn't too thrown off by missing me; she was half-turned >by the time she came down, and she landed on her feet, pivoting to >face me. She was breathing a little harder, and smiling that nice >smile. Having fun, and so was I. CCS: Wish we could say the same. Gamer: Boom. The seed has been planted. We're going to see some comparisons of fighting to sex soon and/or inklings of this most obvious pairing. BS: Amnesia dust anybody? > We traded a few more blows, boring ones; blocks, kicks. She >tagged me across the jaw with a particularly nice kick; I spun the >recoil into a backfist spin and zapped her with that flarefist I'd >been saving. She backed off, shaking her head to clear the dazzle >from her eyes, and complimented me. Gamer: Wow! Your fighting ability isn't laughable! Can't say the same about your writing. > Then she did something very strange. She took two running >steps, and her feet seemed to slide out from under her. She caught >herself on her arms and pushed off so that she started to corkscrew, >and flew toward me feet-first, spinning, in a manner which seemed to >defy gravity. I might have been able to do it, using my Ler to hold >me away from the ground; I had no idea how she was doing it. > While I pondered the attack, it took me off at the shins. CCS: Then I plummeted over the side of the bridge to my horrible death. The End. Gamer: And in the end... the world refused to change. LoN: Make it stop! Don't touch me there Evil Fanfic Author! Azure: Hold out, Steve! Trixie and Lina are coming to the rescue! ...After they stop making out, that is... Ness: Maybe you should spend less time PONDERING the attack and more time DODGING it, genius! BS: That would require common sense. >I really have to stop being so damn cerebral about fighting. Azure: IT'S THE CEREBRAL ASSASSIN! WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER! MAH GAWD THE CARNAGE! CCS: This has been a moment of clarity. >While I >fell, though, I wasn't idle; I used what little purchase my feet had >left on the ground to push myself backward, and threw my hands out and >down over my head to catch myself on. Cammy was getting to her feet >as I hit my hands, and pushed off with all the considerable strength >in my arms. > This had the effect of bouncing me back to my feet like a >spring-loaded silhouette target, CCS: Pull! Azure: Nahhh, Cammy's arm of choice is a submachine gun. Didn't you ever play Cannon Spike? Gamer: Tomo: Well that’s makes 2 people out of 6.5 billion alive who played that game. >much faster than Cammy had expected me to recover. Before she could react, >I pushed off with my legs,throwing myself into a front flip over her. I told you before that >Ler Drit fighters can use their Ler to levitate; well, I did so here, >giving myself a little push to keep myself aloft a good ten feet >beyond Cammy. I landed, back to her, nearly at the inner curtain, and >closed my eyes, concentrating on what I could hear and feel around me, >the vibrations in the stone under the soles of my feet and the flow of >the energies around me. Ness: Remember, a Mary Sue can feel the Force flowing through him. > I had psyched her out. Seeing me fly past her like that, she >had turned and come running after me, winding up for a flying kick. >With my eyes closed I could see her coming, could visualize myself on >the catwalk, as if I were seeing the scene from a camera suspended >over the moat off to the side. CCS: Just like in a video game! Isn't that *wacky*? >She was flying toward me, foot >extended, the kick guaranteed to bash my head right into the wall of >the castle and knock me out for the count. CCS: Should I stop narrating and dodge or--WHACK! Gamer: Toas-ty! Azure: And thus, Ben died, Hutch lost his author powers, and Cammy regained her free will, hunted down Hutch for putting her in this piece of crap, and killed him quickly and mercilessly, the end. BS: You know, a quick death really isn't merciless. A slow death is. Tomo: Hahaha!! I can't believe he wrote this crap! I'd rather read Digimon YAOI slash fiction.... Mmmmm, Yaoi Digimon slash... CCS: ...Riiiggghhht... BS:....is LoN recovered yet? > Now. > I threw myself up and back, pushing off with feet and Ler, and >flared my right fist, corkscrewing through the air. Her outstretched >kicking foot passed behind my back close enough that I could feel it >just as I unloaded the backfist into her jaw. > When we hit the catwalk, I was standing; she wasn't. > "Challenger wins!" Norris announced, and he sounded a little >shaken up. > Opening my eyes, I straightened my cap. Gamer: NO!!! You can only do cool fight-ending stuff when you actually have an ounce of coolness to spend! BS: He borrowed it. > "Gryph!" Zoner bellowed, charging out of the crowd of >onlookers. "That was fucking great! Seventy-three seconds! I'm >rich! Again!" CCS: If there's any justice in the world, Zoner's head will get blown clean off by a sniper right now. Gamer: Sadly, the world is not Metroid Prime Hunters. Azure: Searchman, that was your cue already! > "Shh!" I said, kneeling at the side of my fallen opponent. >"Cammy? You ok?" > A field medic from the castle joined me, turning her face up >to the sky, peeling back an eyelid and shining a light into the eye >underneath. This made her squint, groan, and push the light aside. > "I'm ok," she muttered, sitting up and putting a hand to her >head. "Jus' get me some ice." She looked up at me and smiled an >almost shy smile. "You're good. Better than I expected," she >admitted. CCS: Not that the bar was set very high. Gamer: Actually I had expected you to trip and smash your head messily on the floor. BS Even though I know you're still a one-minute man. Azure: You all suck for stealing what I wanted to say. Tomo: I have not read anything this bad since Yomi tried to write "Extreme Pokemon Gangster Battle". > "Damn right he's good!" came a familiar voice from the crowd, >and a tall, muscular fellow with a shock of thick dark hair pushed >past Zoner. Even though he was already being obnoxious, I was very >happy to see him. He's got a grin the size of the grille on a '58 >Corvette and all the social grace of a supercharged V-8 engine, but >for some reason, I love Joe Higashi like a brother. Gamer: More inexplicable OC involvement in the fighting game worlds? My head asplode. CCS: Further proof Ben is an idiot. Azure: Nah, if he'd said that he loves Dan Hibiki like a brother, THEN he'd be a true idiot. Tomo: Stevey dear, Azure is making fun of Dan! LoN: I lourves me the Dan Hibiki, Dan is my Brothah from anothah Mothah!! Mommy, call me when the pain is gone. Ness: Good for you, young'un. Stand up for what you believe in. BS: And then proceed to collapse back into a weeping mess. > Even when he grabs me in a half nelson, raps the button on the >top of my hat down into my brain pan, CCS: ...where it rattled in his skull like the lone bead in a maraca. Azure: KA-ZING! >and says something stupid, like, "The name's Joe Higashi, miss -- I taught this >clown everything he knows about fighting!" CCS: Then shouldn't he be jobbing to K' until Terry shows up to save his ass? Azure: Everyone knows that the only reason the Fatal Fury team loses at each KOF is because Joe, Andy, Mai, and the Griffon get their asses kicked so badly that Terry and Mary have to fight two or three guys in a row. Ness: But... he beat Hwa Jai. HWA JAI! If that isn't an accomplishment, I don't know what is! > I helped Cammy to her feet, introduced her, watched Joe make a >pass so widely telegraphed that Cammy could parry it easily even in >her groggy condition, CCS: She then proceeded to kick him in the nuts, just like every other woman who meets Joe. Azure: Except Lily Kane. Gamer: ... And then she kicked Ben, Zoner, and transcended the stage to seek out any more OCs that would dare pop in. Tomo: I was sooooo hoping for a scissor kick neck snap to the author's dome! BS: Ditto. >and submitted my hand to be squashed and pumped >up and down for a bit. Joe slapped Zoner on the back as if he thought >Zoner was choking on a chicken bone; Zoner gritted his teeth and >refused to cough, although the effort probably took two years off his >life. CCS: Hopefully he only had two years left and he'll drop dead any second now. Gamer: Nnnnnow! ...Nope. Now! No. Now! ... Now! ... Now! Tomo: Maybe Now? ... DAMMNIT! >.< Azure: Reminds me of when Mint, Forte, and Ranpha wished their entire lives away for eternal happiness... Ness: I'll play it safe. Two years, three months. BS: I'm with Ness. > Now that the fight was over, I knew my opponent was OK, and >the adrenaline rush had faded, I found myself wanting to get off the >goddamned catwalk, now, this very instant -- so, as quickly as I could >without being rude, I made my way to the walkway on the inner curtain. >Cammy, Joe, and Zoner followed, Joe chattering about his current >standing in the Muay Thai leagues and Zoner going on about how much >money I won him. > I love my friends, but sometimes, they can be a tremendous >pain in the ass -- especially Joe and Zoner. Azure: Yaoi set-up, anyone? CCS: Ewww... >They both know damn well >that after a fight, when everybody else wants to party, all I really >want to do is have another nap. Gamer: Some people person you are! How are THEY at fault for an aspect of YOU? CCS: God, Ben is a lazy bastard... BS: Not that we have room to talk. Azure: Eh, if I were forced to be a godmoding weenie in a crappy fanfic, I'd probably want to stay in bed all day, too. Ness: Eh, if I were forced to READ said crappy fanfic, I'd probably want to stay in bed all day, too. LoN: Tomo: Oh, no. Stevey's going all Emo again. LoN: BS: Oy. I can't believe he's been reduced to a shadow of himself by a bad fanfic. Azure: BELIEVE IT! > For the third time that day, I was awakened by a rapping on >the door to my room. This time, though, it wasn't faithful Norris >waking me; the knock was too quiet for that, almost furtive. I sat >up, listening to muscles popping grudgingly out of the positions they >had set in, blinked, and looked out the window; it was nearly dark. >The sky at the western horizon was a thick purple with a searing pink >band just at the dividing point between sky and ground; it was >magnificent, and for a moment I simply sat and looked at it. In the >dark part of the sky, the Northern Lights were beginning a >performance. BS: Isn't he a bit too south to see the Northern Lights? CCS: Which is no doubt better than Ben's performance. Azure: I'm scared to ask what kind of "Performance" you mean. Gamer: Knowing how this fic has been going, one that will require us to go on violent rampages in the near future. Tomo: I like to call it Lip Service. >Then, remembering the reason I awoke, I said, "Come in." > The door opened, and Cammy slipped into my room, dressed as >she had been before the match. She had, in the hours since the fight, >developed a glorious shiner around her right eye, where I had tagged >her with that first backfist. Oddly enough, the knockout blow hadn't >left a mark. I'm sure I wouldn't've won any beauty contests myself -- CCS: Well, that goes without saying. Gamer: Yeh, Ben's so ugly that he saw his reflection in a lack and the water CRACKED. BS: Poor lake had to be targeted for environmental clean up. Azure: Especially after that Servbot mauls you... I wonder where the hell he is, anyway... Tomo: >my face, especially after the nap, felt like a wax mask. I still >thought she looked lovely, though. > "Hullo," she said. "I'm sorry, did I wake you?" > "Yeah, but don't worry about it," I said, getting up and >stretching out my protesting frame. Things made cracks and pops which >would be disconcerting to the uninitiated. Ness: But I stretched too hard and my spine snapped in two. The End. BS: Wishful thinking. Ah, well. We all need our delusions. > "I shouldn't be sleeping >through the whole day, anyway. I got what I wanted... a couple hours >of sleep and some time away from the cheering throngs." I grinned at >the image. "I hadn't counted on Joe showing up for this." > "Your friend the kickboxer?" I nodded. "He's funny. CCS: ...looking. Gamer: ... For somebody who is so obviously sexually ambiguous. Azure: DOUBLE KA-ZING! SUPER COMBO! IT'S AMAJINGU! >He's been down in the Great Hall telling embarrassing stories about your >early days in the fights." CCS: The next day, Joe was found dead in a ditch with the words "Don't &^% With Gryphon" carved into his hide. Gamer: Wait a... that joke was actually GLORIFYING Gryphon? Why I never! Azure: Please, we all know that Joe is immortal. Mostly because SNK loves having him drop his pants in front of people. Tomo: Pants Dropping? Really? Where?! BS: LoN, get up before I kick you, and get Tomo under control! > "Not surprising. What brings you by? Rousing a sleeping Ben >can't be as much fun as listening to Joe Higashi spout. > She laughed. "I wanted to see if you had any plans for >tonight." > "Plans?" I shrugged. "I suppose Zoner's in no condition to >fly us home, which means I'll have to impose on your hospitality for >another evening. Why?" > "Well, now." She leaned closer to me, dropping her voice >conspiratorially, and said, "I'm thinking about getting out of this >stuffy old place for the night and heading down into town to crawl the >pubs. Care to come with?" Gamer: ... And here comes the obligatory "OC gets some from the video game chick" moment. CCS: Well, I guess that makes sense. If I was going to spend time with Ben, I'd want to have a few drinks first too. Azure: And a few hits from a bong, just to keep you happy. Ness: Hey, I'm not happy. Gimme a couple of hits off dat bong. BS: Oy. Just give me a few shots of vodka. > I scratched at the back of my head for a moment, then >shrugged. "Sure, sounds like fun." > "Great! Let's go, then. The night's not getting younger." CCS: And neither are you. Azure: Cammy, on the other hand, won't get any older, since Capcom hasn't put her in anything new canon-wise since SFII... Tomo: You got to love Capcom for that, they let us sexy women keep our prime beauty for ages and ages! Gamer: Nah, Capcom are bastards like that and in many more ways. SPONSOR THE NEXT SHANTAE GAME, WILLYA?! Ness: Now, SNK on the other hand... well, we never saw Mai Shiranui in Mark of the Wolves, or Yuri Sakazaki in Buriki One. It makes you think, don't it? > Sneaking out of Castle MacLir was an exercise in amusement. I >felt like I was a kid at summer camp. We crept through secret >passages; Cammy said she thought she was the only one who knew about >them. They led down, down, down, through the side of the mountain and >to a small cut off the side of the motorway from Edinburgh. There was >a small white Land Rover parked there, so we made for it. It only >dawned on me about halfway there that the -reason- we were sneaking >was because Cammy was a government agent, and probably not supposed to >leave the castle, which was after all a military base of sorts, >without asking somebody first, which she apparently hadn't. CCS: I'm afraid our Cammy is in another castle. > I had just reached this conclusion when a throat was cleared >behind us and an officious voice said, "And where do -you- two think >you're going?" CCS: Aww... Moooom! Gamer: Hot OC on character action! And by that I mean stabbing Ben here until the knife breaks. BS: Apparently, Cammy reads 8-Bit Theater. > "Doh!" we cried in unison, whirling to confront the voice's >owner. Seeing who it was, I sighed, my shoulders relaxing. Tomo: "D'oh"?! The freaking "D'oh"ed!? Where the the lawyers for "The Simpsons" when we need them?! BS: On vacation. > "Joe!" I grumbled. "You just about gave me a heart attack." > "Sorry," Joe replied, ambling over with a goofy grin on his >face. "Didn't mean to scare you. Naughty, naughty children, sneaking >off like this. I'm afraid you're going to need a chaperone." > Cammy put on the most adorable "Oh, you have got to be kidding >me" expression I'd ever seen, CCS: Well, that's not hard when you live with a guy named "Zoner". Gamer: And wear a FAR SIDE shirt to a FIGHTING MATCH. I mean, Far Side is awesome, but you need some fashion sense. Tomo: >and was about to protest when Joe added, >"Nah, I'm just kiddin' around. You two have fun. If anybody asks >where you are... I'll, ah, make somethin' up." Ness: Cammy slit Ben's throat and dumped him in a ditch. Case Closed! Azure: There is ALWAYS one truth! > "You do that," I replied dryly, then grinned. "Thanks, Joe." > "Hey, de nada, pal," replied Joe. "Joe 'Mr. Discretion' >Higashi, at your service." CCS: And when he turned his back, I put a bullet in his head. Azure: And then I put a kunai in Hutch's head. Stabby-stabby! Gamer: And then I tossed Zoner's bed into the river. Tomo: And then I free'd Cammy of this hellish nightmare and took her bikini shopping! BS: Violent, aren't they? > The drive into town was a fascinating experience, to say the >least. Cammy had clearly been trained as a Combat Driver, and she was >apparently convinced that the Land Rover was pretty much the same as a >Porsche, when you got right down to it. CCS: Cammy White auditions for Twisted Metal. Azure: I'd pay to see that, she'd wipe the floor with the likes of Sweet Tooth and Axel. BS: She'd devastate a few states. >I spent most of the trip either plastered against the passenger door or >clinging to my seatvbelt trying to avoid tumbling into her lap, not that I would have >minded that, except that it would have been mortally embarrassing and >would have made it hard for her to drive. CCS: Hey, I'd be willing to deal with the embarrassment. Azure: But would you be willing to deal with the severe beating afterwards? Gamer: We all would, Azure. Tomo: I'm a girl and I would deal with it. I know crybaby would too. Ness: Careful, Sweetcheeks, you're giving away ideas for bad crossover fics. BS: Too late. > I've never liked beer, and Zoner has always contended that >that's because I haven't tried the right one yet. I've never >particularly thought that this made any sense, since I usually stated >my dislike of the stuff and provoked that response after trying >something he recommended. So I suppose it was just as well that he >wasn't there that night, to see me enjoying the stuff the pubtender at >this particular Quaint Scottish Public House was serving me. It was >thick, and bitter, and dark as sin, CCS: Mmmmm... Sin... Azure: Huh... As I recall, all the sins were pretty damn pale. Especially Lust... Although she WAS pretty damn hot. Gamer: Great, now Edward Elric is going to have to bust this fan fic up, and hopefully all the OCs within. BS: Alchemy cannot kill this beast. >but for some reason I couldn't name, I loved it. > The publican himself was the prototype from which all >publicans in the Commonwealth had been put into production: fat, >jovial, red-haired and red-faced, with a jolly laugh and a burr so >heavy it could cut concrete. He apparently knew Cammy -- unless he >happened to call every pretty young girl who came in "me bonny >fightin' lass," which, I suppose, was possible. > I've never felt very comfortable: > 1) In bars; > 2) With a drink in my hand; > 3) Around people I don't know very well. > So, you can see that I was absolutely in my element in a >Scottish pub. CCS: Huh? Oh, it's a joke! Hahahaha!! I still hate you, Hutchins. Gamer: Apparently, he's been hating fan fiction readers all his life. Azure: Servbot? Searchman? Anybody? C'mon and kill this idiot already! Searchman: Ness: Ben should quit the fanfic business and become a stand-up comic. At least there's a much better chance of having things thrown at you. BS: Damn it, Searchman used the last of the morphine! >I used to have a problem with hanging around attractive >women -- I'd sort of freeze up, or, failing that, turn into Jerry >Lewis, which was worse. CCS: No f$#@ing kidding! Azure: FROINLAVENSHOIL! Gamer: With the stuttering, and the drooling, and the nervous habits and the EYES THAT NEVER LEAVE THE BOSOMS, they're so round... Tomo: Watermelons! Watermelons!! Mutsumi Otohime: I'll take twenty! CCS: ...The hell?! Ness: Could be worse. He could turn into Jerry LAWLER. Then Cammy would have PERFECT reason to kill him. BS: Ness, that would be better. For us. >It's another character flaw Rose cured me of, and that's another 'how' >which is none of your business. CCS: Eewww... Hutchins! Stop that! Gamer: My guess is she kicked him real hard in the nards to remind him he had a pair. Ness: Your kick was so haaaaaaaard! BS:...moving on into the crapfest. >So at least -that- wasn't causing me difficulty. All in all, it looked like >pretty smooth sailing ahead. The folks in the pub obviously knew each >other, and they could tell I was from out of town, but they didn't >seem to mind that, and kept to themselves. >Except for a couple of >young guys I noticed, over in the corner; they kept glancing up at us >and giving me strange looks. It looked like they might be psyching >themselves up for some sort of action. I didn't like the looks of >them, even with the warm, benevolent haze that the beer was settling >over me. CCS: This scene brought to you by the Eyrie Unlimited Booze Council, reminding you that booze makes everything seem better, especially SF fanfiction. > Inwardly, I shrugged. I didn't want any trouble. I rarely >do. I turned to Cammy and said, "How much trouble will you get into >for this?" > "None, if nobody knows I'm gone," she replied with a grin. >"Why? Your friend promised to keep it quiet." > I snorted. "Joe Higashi is to discretion as Azure: ...I am to enjoyable and undisturbing fan fiction writing. CCS: ...I am to clear and unpretentious narrative. Gamer: ...I am to character building and original concepts. BS: ...I am to proper diction and grammar. >a Sherman Tank is to subtlety. What's worse, even if he only tells one person, that one >person is Zoner. If loose lips really did sink ships, Zoner would be >the Helen of Troy of shipwrecks." Ness: Ahh, I can't take all these metaphors! BS: At least he tried. CCS: Well, I can see why you'd want Zoner as a spy. Gamer: Seriously. What an arbitrary and grossly unfitting new aspect to Zoner's personality. CCS: She'd only wear pink, Blue Boy. You know that. Azure: A man can dream, my friend. > She shrugged. "So, M. will give me that 'disappointed' look >and I'll have to pretend to be sorry and tell him I won't do it again. >And the Brigadier will yell at me and I'll have to pretend to be sorry >and tell him I won't do it again. Then I'll knock over another >mission with my usual aplomb and all will be forgiven. Don't worry >about it." CCS: Well, it worked for Bond, I guess. Azure: It only works for Bond because he's so damn suave and badass. Ness: Oh, and Cammy isn't? BS: Cammy is badass and has nice breasts. Gamer: Girls just win at life. Girls and Bond. Tomo: Girls, Bond and Luuuuuuupaaaan! > I shrugged and took another drink. "What exactly is this >stuff, anyway?" I asked, gesturing with my mug and almost causing a >catastrophic peanut spill. Gamer: Today a CATASTROPHIC peanut spill occurred, resulting in the scattering of peanuts. CCS: No! Not the peanuts! Azure: Oh the peanutmanity! Ness: BS: Overactors. >"I usually hate beer, but this is wonderful stuff." > "Why thank ye, lad," the publican, who had overheard me, said. >"I brew it meself, from a recipe handed down t'me from me dad, who got >it from his dad, and so on. There's been a MacGregor at the Iron and >Wheel since 1656." BS: Talk about dedication. No me time, I take it? CCS: Maybe it's time for him to take a day off then. Azure: Seconded. Gamer: Thirded. Nice attempt at a Scottish accent, by the way. Tomo: Attempt that FAILED! > I was going to reply to this, but I felt a rather hard tap on >my shoulder. "Hold that thought," I said, and turned to face my >shoulder-tapper. He was one of the young fellows I had seen eyeing me >earlier, a young man little or no older than I, with bushy, dark-blond >hair and somewhat unfocused brown eyes. > "I don't want no trouble in me place, Johnny," the publican >said in a warning tone. This gave me two pieces of important >information: the man's first name, and the knowledge that the publican >considered him more than likely to be looking for a problem. > "Relax, Angus," Johnny replied. "I just want to ask this >fella a couple of questions." CCS: Where were ye on the night of the twenty fifth? Gamer: WHO lives in a pineapple under tah sea? Ness: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? Azure: African or European? > "Go ahead," I said, putting as pleasant a smile as I could on >my face, which was feeling considerably less sore than it had when I >arrived. I was hoping I could keep it that way. > "What's yuir name, first of all?" > "Ben Hutchins. Friends call me Gryphon," I replied. CCS: You've got some pretty dumbass friends. Gamer: Scratch that. YOU'RE the dumbass! Azure: Which would explain why I'm his enemy. BS: >What the hell! I wanted this guy to be my friend. Currently, I wanted all of >Scotland to be my friend, and was considering expanding that mandate >to include all of the British Isles, including Ireland, whether they >really wanted to be my friend or not. Ness: I'll MAKE THEM my friends! Whether they want to... OR NOT! CCS: Ben needs ten thousand friends. Will you be Ben's friend? Gamer: BEN'S his name? Oh, yummy! Sign me up, sailor! Azure: Mmm... Key... LoN: Reminds me of a guy I knew in the Navy we nicknamed Princess! BS: ...anyone got a defibrillator? Azure: Doctor Cutter does, but I don't think you wanna ask her if you can use it... > "Where'd yon lass get that shiner, then?" > I shrugged. What'd be the point in making something up? "I >hit her," I replied flatly. > "I see," Johnny replied, equally matter-of-fact. "And where'd >you get yuirs?" > "She kicked me in the head," I said, and heard Cammy giggle a >bit off to my right. CCS: Wow. Either she's easily amused or drunk as hell. BS: Drunk as hell, or brain damaged, you mean. Ness: I vote for "Brain Damaged". She's been that way ever since Ben hit her. Which also explains why she's GOING OUT WITH BEN! Azure: Gah, this guy does NOT know Cammy's personality... Gamer: I've seen Gendo Ikari turn into a pimp. Tomo: Gendo was a Pimp, what else did you think he used those Rei Clones for? The funding for NERV didn't come from nowhere. BS: Endless supply of Rei's to deflower? CCS: I bought five of them. They're my housemaids. ^-^ Azure: I'm the housemaid around my place, mostly because Ami, Fuu, and Mint are too high class to stoop to such things... > "Ah." Johnny looked satisfied. "All right, then. That's all >I wanted to know." He turned to Cammy. "Did ye win, lass?" > "No," she replied cheerily, "but it was close, an' there are >no hard feeings." I noticed that her burr was deepening as the >evening progressed, and I liked that. I wished I had a burr of my own >for the beer to deepen. Maybe if I hung around here long enough I'd >develop one. CCS: Accents don't work that way, Ben. > "Oh aye," said Johnny. "Thank ye, then. That's all I wanted >to know." > "Here," I said, fishing in my pocket and slapping some more >anonymous brown change on the bar. I know nothing of British money. >It could have been six cents or twelve bucks, I dunno, but it seemed >to satisfy Angus. "Let me buy you a drink, concerned fellow that you >are." > Johnny cracked his first smile of the evening. "Why, thank >ye," he said. > An hour or so later, I felt like -I- had been at the Iron and >Wheel since 1656. CCS: I feel like I've been stuck in this damn *scene* since 1656. Speed it up, Hutchins. >I lost track of the amount of brown change I fished >out of my pocket, but it seemed I was only paying for every other >drink anyway. Before long everybody in the pub was sitting that >little bit closer to the bar and we were all singing some song about >lost love and the bastard English. Ness: Typical. Buy a Scotsman a drink and you have a friend for life. Gamer: Ooohhh... Aye de-dai de-dai de-dai de-dai de-dai de-dai! CCS: Uh... Ben? This is Scotland. You're thinking of Ireland. Azure: BLISTER ME BAGPIPES! Tomo: It's no use correcting him, its not like this moron of a writer knows the difference between Ireland and Scotland anyway. BS: He is, however, very intimately aware of the effects of excessive liquor on a person. >I felt just about ready to head out and get on with my quest to ask every man, >woman, and child in Scotland to be my personal friend, one by one. Azure: Everyone except Willie! It's as if the ugliest man in Glasgow ain't good enough fer ye! > We watched a rugby match on the TV in the corner. I lost >track of who I was rooting for about six times, but the people in red >ended up winning, or at least they walked away. What a violent sport. >And people get down on street fighters for wanton violence. CCS: That's crazy! Who'd want to destroy won tons?! Azure: Beats me, but I want Won Won to destroy him. >Somebody started a darts game; Cammy and I both did pretty well, but there was >one fellow with a scar on his cheek and grey in his thick hair who was >inhumanly good at it, and I felt an irrationally strong desire to be >just like him for a moment. It was that kind of an evening. Time >blended away into insignificance and the camaraderie was thicker than >the steam in a ship's boiler room. CCS: Yet still not as thick as Ben's skull. Gamer: Okay... What's the deal with the darts guy? BS: Mad l33t skills? > There was a pool table; the man with the scar whipped my butt >two out of three times at eight-ball, and then I taught the pub a >billiards game my friend Andrew Petrarca had invented, called >base-eight-ball. Somewhere along the line I smoked a cigar, which is >something else I hardly ever do. It was nearly a religious >experience. Ness: Es una experiencia religiosa. CCS: That is so pathetic, I don't know whether to cry or laugh my brains out. BS: You cry, you end up like LoN. So laugh. Azure: Yeah, if you're gonna go without lung-cancer inducing cigars, stick to it, you weenie! Gamer: I think he was referring to the shout-out to his real-life friend, which was absolutely pointless. Actually this stretch of the story was pointless. Hell, the whole story is. Tomo: Hutch's whole life is pointless, I bet. CCS: The only point I see is the one on your head, Hutchins. > I was high on life and good beer, and in love with the whole >damn world. Ness: Damn. This author must be on some SERIOUS happy pills! I wonder if he'd hook me up. BS: Just go to Scotland and to this guy's tavern. CCS: Let's all dance around pointlessly! Azure: I'll take THAT plushie too! Yoink! >I finished beating the scarred fellow four-of-five at >base-eight-ball and relinquished my cue to young Johnny Kane, who was >anxious to try his hand at it. Cammy was standing by a gang of people >at the darts line, watching Mr. MacGregor's son Tommy hurl 'em, and, >bemused, I watched in floating detachment from inside my head as I did >something uncharacteristically bold; I walked up behind her and put my >arms around her, CCS: Someone's claws are on my grebnacks! Azure: WOWZERS! BS: Booze, boobs, and hormones. A bad combination. >clasping them over her midriff and hugging her from >behind in a sort of low-impact Heimlich maneuver. CCS: Nothing says romance like basic First Aid. Gamer: I've also got a rubber band that's KINDA like a band-aid. > To my surprise, she didn't react in a startled or outraged >manner; she merely made a small noise in the back of her throat and >settled back against my chest, looking backward-up and smiling. >"Yui're doon embarrassin' auld Dan, then?" she asked, and her burr was >just about as thick as I had ever heard from anyone now. I loved it. Tomo: Cammy! Girlfriend! Kick him in the man berries! He's not good enough for you! CCS: Okay, when did Cammy become a Scot anyway? BS: She's drunk. And so was the author when he wrote this. It's not her fault. Azure: Capcom's always messing with her background. Remember SFA3? Her stage was in Greece of all places. BS: She's a Shadoloo Doll. She has no home! Gamer: Let's just agree that the people at Capcom are bastards and get on with our lives. >I loved her. I loved this whole damn country. My head was spinning >with the goodwill I felt, I was bursting with it. So I did my second >crazy thing and kissed her forehead. And she did her second >not-what-I-expected thing, closed her eyes, and made that noise in her >throat again. > "Yui're a nice lad, aren't ye?" she asked without opening her >eyes. > "I try," the man who was using my head at the moment replied. >"I try." CCS: But DOES he try? Azure: Yes, he tries to be a complete idiot, and he succeeds. Gamer: THEY BARELY EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER!!! Ness: Seriously, what's in that beer?! BS: Alcohol. What, Ness, never been to a college frat party? Happens all the time, and it's amusing blackmail. > She smiled again. "O'course," she said, "y'know we're both >completely drunk." > "I'm aware of that," said the man in my head, and my voice was >so steady I could hardly believe that he had been drinking at all. > "An' neither of us really knows what we're doing." > "Au contraire," I replied. "I know exactly what I'm doing." > "Och," she och'd. CCS: ...Good God... Gamer: Och'd. Verb. To go "Och." Originated in idiotese. Tomo: Damn, with this grammar, no wonder Stevey-poo is having nightmares. LoN: No! Not more double contractions, Mr. Priest! CCS: ..."Stevey-poo"...? Ness: Gah ha ha ha ha! And me without my tape recorder! BS: "...no wonder Stevey-poo is having nightmares." Azure: Remember to hide that tape before he wakes up. >"What'd me mum think? Proper young girl like me, standin' here in a pub >in the arms of a fella she's known fer what, thirteen hours. An' he's gettin' >ready to announce his undying love fer me, an' I'm gettin' ready t'believe him. > I was momentarily shocked by that statement -- not just the >fact that she had said it, but the fact that I knew it was true. I >knew that -everything- she was saying was true -- the fact that we >were drunk and had no clue what we were doing first of all. Still, I >knew I wouldn't be lying if I said what she expected me to say. I'm >strange that way. Generally, I know within a matter of seconds if >that statement is true or not. > I flicked her forelock with a fingertip and said, "You'd do >well to believe it. I never lie. Not about that sort of thing, >anyway." Gamer: ... And the award for "best performance to get in a Scottish girl's pants" goes to... Ness: Typical. Punch a woman in the face and you have a girlfriend for life. BS: Well, she WAS M. Bison's plaything. CCS: So, remember, kids, abuse and violence are the keys to a successful relationship! Azure: It worked for Goku and Chi-Chi! > Around us, the pub caroused on, oblivious to the minature >drama being played out at the corner of the bar. I smiled a bit >wider. "But you're right about one thing -- we're completely >plastered, and so we really shouldn't do anything we think might be a >good idea... " CCS: So let's skip straight to the bad ideas. Azure: This whole damn thing is a bad idea. Tomo: Hutch is a bad idea. BS: I am in perfect agreement. Ness: YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT! > "Yui're a regular white knight," she said with a grin. "Let's >have a drink on it, at least." > Grinning, I released her and got up on a stool; she did the >same. Angus appeared with two more of his endless supply of pint >mugs, and this time he didn't seem to care about the brown change, >because he immediately vanished again. I smiled and raised mine. > "To us, then," I said, "and the beginning of a long >friendship." > Cammy smiled all the way to her eyes and replied, "Aye, I'll >drink t'that." > Then we linked our arms Russian-style and drank. CCS: And our next contestants in the synchronized drinking event, Ben 'Gryphon' Hutchins and Cammy White... Azure: But wait! Hutchins has just been stabbed in the head with a kunai by an unknown man in blue ninja clothing! And his remains are being mauled by a ninja dog! MAH GAWD THE CARNAGE! Tomo: Who summoned the Spiderman Villain? Ness: Someone with too much hatred for one man. BS: Not enough. It took this long to get him here. > That was when the throwing iron hit the wall just beyond us, >sending a chilly wind over my ear as it passed. Neither of us were >really fazed at all by that; we finished our drink, unwound our arms, >put our tankards down, and then turned to face the door. The silence >was deafening, as everybody in the pub had noticed that little hullo. > The fellow who had thrown the iron into the wall was still >standing in the doorway. He was tall, thin and dark, with a waxed >mustache and expensive clothing that screamed, "I Wish I Were A >Bullfighter, But I'm Really Just A Rich Spanish Git." CCS: Sounds like the title of a Monty Python sketch. >I suppose he was handsome to people who like thin-faced, unctuous Spaniards. > "Good evening," he said in an accented voice. "Allow me to >introduce myself: I am Luis Fernandez. I seek a man called Gryphon." Gamer: ... And apparently he's sought after by bad guys. Check, please! BS: Vega. It has to be Vega. Azure: "Balrog", to you mega-fanboys out there. > I recognized, not him, but his style. He was one of the >so-called Spanish ninja being cultivated by a Spanish aristocrat by >the name of Antonio de la Vega. CCS: Snrk... Looks like Vega's gone down in the world lately. Azure: Funny, as I recall, Vega only cared about himself and wouldn't bother teaching anyone else his style of fighting because he's supposed to be, y'know, INSANE! BS: He's not insane. He's narcisstic. And didn't he rescue Cammy because he didn't want to let a beautiful human die? >I'd heard of them first through a friend in the traditional Japanese ninja scene, CCS: Read: Mai Shiranui. Azure: More likely Andy Bogard. Mai's about as "Traditional" as a street hooker. Gamer: I think Ken Masters once called her a geisha. Tomo: Gamer, Mai is not nearly classy enough to be called a Geisha. CCS: Yeah, well Ken is a lameass shoto-scrubnuts. Geez... Am I the only one is this theater who actually likes Mai? BS: ...that's what I was going to say. FOR MAI! Azure: I like Mai and all, but you have to admit that she's pretty much all flash and not much for decency. CCS: You mean like Benimaru and Joe? >and lately they'd been becoming a bit of an annoyance to Zoner and I. My ninja friend and I >both suspected that Vega was thick with Shadolu, CCS: ..."Shadolu"? BS:. ...AT LEAST SPELL IT RIGHT! >the international crime syndicate, but we had nothing to prove it -- except the fact >that we were both openly anti-Shadolu and we had both been attacked by >Spanish ninja. > I took a couple of steps forward and said, "I'm Gryphon. What >do you want with me?" Gamer: To kill you and end this fan fic! I am the ULTIMATE good!! Ness: Boy, Ben sobered up quick. And here I thought Scottish Happy Beer was the ultimate beer! Azure: Bah, nobody sobers up quicker than Terry Bogard! Remember that time he beat Axel Hawk with just one punch right after a weeklong binge fest? > "It is my understanding that you became a World Warrior today. >Is this true?" > "Yes, it's true. So?" > "My friends and I have come to ensure that you do not continue >on the circuit after this achievement," Fernandez replied, moving >aside in the doorway to make room for three similarly-dressed >companions to enter the pub. Ness: It's the Laurence Blood Fan Club! >"We, and our employer, encourage you to >retire while you still have your health." He adopted a look of >concern so mock it wouldn't've made a good Halloween mask. >"Fighting on the World Warrior level is so risky, after all... and your family >would miss you if anything were to happen to you." CCS: HAHAHAHA!! Yeah, right they would. Azure: Yeah, that's why they have all those "He's finally gone!" banners. Ness: He has a family? You'd think they'd disowned him a long time ago... BS: Inbred rednecks don't know how to disown their kin. > I was filled with anger at this prissy creep. How dare he >come here and ruin my good time with this nonsense? Threatening me? >Threatening my family, however obliquely? It boiled up from the >bottom of my gut, all of the goodwill I felt toward the world >transmuting to rage at this little punk and his friends. CCS: When Ben Hutchin's gets angry, a stunning transformation occurs... > "It'll take better men than you to make something happen to >me, chum," I replied. "Push off or they'll carry you back to your >master on a stretcher." > "I don't want any trouble in me place, boys," said Angus, >emerging from behind the bar with a large hank of wood -- what the >heck was that word, shillelagh, I think -- to confront the ninja. >"Supposin' ye took yerselves outside and bothered somebody else?" > "Supposing," Fernandez replied with an icy smile, "you minded >your own business?" > I tried to cry a warning to MacGregor, but it was too late. >Fernandez had already moved, and the publican was stumbling backward >with the handle of a small dagger protruding from his shoulder. CCS: Wuss... If King were the bartender, these morons would all be paste on the walls by now. >The wound would not be lethal, or even permanent, but it had to hurt. I >was at MacGregor's side in a moment, easing him onto a stool; then I >turned to face Fernandez and his pals. > "You heard Mr. MacGregor," I snarled. "Let's take this >outside!" > > /* The Mighty Mighty BossTones "Holy Smoke" _The Mighty Mighty > BossTones Don't Know How to Party_ */ CCS: Neither does Ben, so this could be very appropriate. Ness: More like, "Holy Smoke, this fic just gets worse and worse..." BS: TWICE. He's done this TWICE. Azure: Luckily, divine wrath works on a "Two strikes and you're out" policy. > Then I launched myself in what is probably my fastest >maneuver. I'm not built for speed, and I'll be the first to admit it. >Sprinting, I could probably outrun a locomotive, if the locomotive >were not on tracks. Gamer: ... Stop talking. BS: He can't. He's drunk, remember? CCS: In the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's SUPERDORK! Tomo: He can leap Broken Participles in a single bound! SUPERDORK! Azure: Weakened only by the power excessive verbal abuse! SUPERDORK! >But in a forward slide kick, I'm not so much >running as flying, my Ler holding me a centimeter or so above the >ground -- I'm sliding on the near-frictionless buffer of my own >energies. CCS: Well, he's officially using Bison's moves now. I guess we lucked out. He could have been a Shoto. Tomo: Thank god he's not a Shota. Azure: Doesn't matter. A ripoff is a ripoff and this guy is a MAJOR ripoff. BS: Well, he'll get screwed when M. Bison finds out. Azure: Thank you for that mental image, BS. >I launched myself into this, and my knee connected with >Fernandez's gut with a thud that seemed to reverberate in my skull, >which felt larger than usual and uncharacteristically hollow. CCS and BS (at the same moment): "Uncharacteristically" how, Hutchins? Azure: Again, KA-ZING! Gamer: That is a LONG word! Tomo: Probably the only thing long in Hutchins' life. CCS: Heh.... I like you. ^-^ >The momentum of the kick carried us through the open doorway, out into the >street. Much better. > Fernandez rolled away from me on the pavement, coming up with >one of those little knives in each hand. I dropped into a bent-knee >stance and watched him for a moment, wary of being attacked from >behind; but his pals, although they had emerged from the pub, seemed >interested only in watching us fight, not in helping him. CCS: Vega taught them the "Attack One At A Time" Rule, I see. Ness: A staple for cannon-fodder in fight scenes. Well taught. > He lunged as I was glancing back at his friends; I shoved his >arm aside and palmed him back with my other arm, and then swung into >my double kick -- one high kick which spun me half around, a hop to >the other foot and a backward high that put me back where I started. >Hit by both salvos, Fernandez staggered, bloodied, but recovered >rapidly enough. So be it, I didn't really care. I threw a low slide >kick, catching him at the ankles; one of his blades whistled past the >top of my head and my sweeping left arm stopped him from sticking his >other one in my chest, hard enough that he lost that knife to the >street. CCS: Down these mean streets a knife must fall which is not mean. > I was all over this fight. Another hard block and his other >knife was out of the picture for a second or so -- still in his hand, >but way out of position. I fed him a flying knee to the center of the >chest that had him gasping like a fish and weaving, and then I went in >for the big finale. This was sheer instinct, Azure & CCS: KILLER INSTINCT! >the kind of fighting trance that Rose always tried to instill in me, >and out of it came a move I had never used before, but had seen earlier >that day. I started to throw a backfist, but in the middle of it I took that >little skipping step that Cammy had thrown into it earlier in the day, >winding myself into even more energy. Ness: Now I have the Spinning Backfist! CCS: Hey! Go steal someone else's moves, bitch! BS: I wonder if Cammy can sue for copyright infringement? Azure: Hayate tried and failed. That's why he never got to use the Torn Sky Blast after Raidou stole it from him. >Just for the hell of it I put a flare on my left fist at the same time. As I >skipped I weaved off the direct attack line for a second, and Fernandez's remaining blade >whistled past; then I connected with his face, and he connected with >the street and stayed there. > Smiling, I turned to his three pals and, taking a deep breath, >said, "Okay -- who's next?" > The second one to come at me was even more into the >bullfighter motif -- she had a rapier in her hand. Where did she think >she was, Pamplona? I'm no bull. CCS: No, you're just full of bull. >Almost contemptuously I stepped inside its reach, CCS: Unfortunately, the girl turned out to be Soul Calibur's Amy. The next sound anyone heard was Ben's severed head hitting the ground with a horrible splatter. Azure: Amy wins. FATALITY. Tomo: Flawless Victoly! Gamer: TOAS-ty!! Ness: SUPREME VICTORY! BS: Damn you all for stealing what I wanted to say. >put my elbow under her chin, stood on her foot and >broke her wrist, taking it away from her. Then I shoved her away with >a palm strike and threw a roundhouse kick across her jaw, and that was >all she wanted. Ness: Oh, it's more than we could have asked for! > The last two tried to rush me together, one with a nunchaku >and one with a hand-claw similar to the one Vega himself was said to >use. The one with the claw only got about three steps before Cammy >intercepted him, so I ignored him and turned all of my attention to >the 'chukker. Gamer: Makes ME want to "Chuck." >Don't let their silly appearance fool you -- 'chuks are >dangerous weapons indeed. A spinning length of hardwood can get up to >some pretty good kinetic energy, and it only takes so much force to >shatter bone. Gamer: Grahh! I HATE physics! Ben smash! BS: I guess he doesn't now how many Newtons it takes to smash bone. CCS: Ben Hutchins, Master of Obvious Fu! Azure: LIES! I'm the master of Obvious Fu! >Fortunately, I had more than just the strength of flesh >and bone with which to block it; I had my Ler to reinforce the >physical. I fed it to my left arm, feeling the muscles start to >almost hum, and used that arm to block the 'chuk as I looked for an >opening in his defense to attack him through. Gamer: Stop saying "Chuk", PLEASE! BS: Thine plea falls on deaf ears. > He was better than the girl with the rapier -- he didn't try >to close with me, knowing that his weapon was better at a bit of >range. He was also quick and nimble enough to stay out of my reach; >he knew that with my strength and his slenderness, if I got hold of >him, I would crush him like a tinfoil ash tray. For a bit, we >circled, at a stalemate. I heard a disconcerted cry to my left, and >stole a look; the poor sucker Cammy had intercepted had just fallen >victim to the attack I had ducked earlier in the day, a maneuver known >through the fighting world as the 'thigh press'. CCS: And known to everyone else as "fanservice". Azure: That ain't fanservice. The Shermie Spiral, now THAT'S fanservice! Gamer: Seconded! Tomo: Ness: Even so, why's the poor sucker crying? BS: Out of joy. It's the only time he'll ever be between a pair of gorgeous legs. > What she did, basically, was jump up in his face, get his head >between her knees, and flip backward, whipping the poor bastard almost >360 degrees by the neck before slamming him down flat on his back on >the ground. It looked very painful, and in my state I could have >sworn that the ground shook when he hit; she scrambled to her feet and >whirled to face him, but he wasn't going anywhere. Ness: Oh, I see. CCS: I dunno. I still prefer Yuri Sakazaki's Bitch Slap Of Death. > Unfortunately, I had now spent far too long concentrating on >this, and my nunchaku-wielding friend took advantage of that >inattention to step in and plant his weapon across my face. CCS: WA-TAK! Gamer: THAT'S for all you're putting your readers through! Ness: Cripes, Ben! Haven't you learned by now what happens when you think too much during a fight?! BS: ADD is rather inconvenient, isn't it, Ben? Azure: Bah, this guy's got nothing on Michelangelo Tomo: Your lack of Maxi troubles me. Azure: Maxi's good, but NOBODY beats Mikey when it comes to the fine art of chuckery! >The world tumbled as I fell in a combination of impact and trained reaction, >throwing myself back away from the impact. Stunned, I turned my >backward fall into a roll, springing back to my feet; then I took a >moment to get my bearings. When my vision cleared he was coming in >from my left, apparently assuming it to be my weak side like it would >be in any right-handed fighter. > His mistake. I built my Ler a bit higher in my left arm, >flaring the fist, and, spinning to fully face him, let him have a >little taste treat I like to call my Stark Fist of Removal. CCS: And everyone else calls Twink Move of Wanker. Tomo: At least he's not ripping off spells from Slayers. Azure: Or Jutsu from Naruto. BS: Give it another few paragraphs. >Essentially, this is a short, jabbing uppercut, repeated about once >every half-second for three seconds or so. I have to work myself up a >bit to get this to work, and I can only sustain it for about that long >so far; but that long is usually enough. Ness: Huh, that sounds a lot like Jin's Tengarenken from Martial Champion. Well, if you're gonna steal a move, steal an obscure one. That way, you won't get called on it so easily. CCS: Actually, it could be Dee Jay's Machinegun Upper, but who'd steal moves from him? Azure: I dunno, his Max Out was pretty decent... You know, for being a Sonic Boom ripoff. > His teeth chattered as if he were cold, and when I knew the >next impact would be the last before my arm gave out I let him have >the flare as well. There was a blue flash, and he went up, up, over, >and landed on his face. > Goddamn! That was fun. Even more fun was lingering in the >post-punchout position for a second and finding myself with Cammy in >my arms, laughing. Gamer: You know NOTHING of how to live. >The pub crowd came outside and milled around, >cheering. The Spanish ninja picked themselves up off the ground and >regrouped, to find themselves faced by a large crowd of people who >didn't need much provocation to become very angry with them, and it >was only a brief matter of time before the cops showed up. CCS: Coming this fall, Grand Theft Auto: Edinborough! > Sullenly, Fernandez snarled at me, his voice thick around a >fat lip: "You'll regret this, fool. You will suffer for crossing us!" > "Get stuffed, Fernandez," I replied cheerfully. "I'm drunker >than I've ever been in my life and I just kicked four of your asses. >You don't scare me. You come over here, you interrupt the first date >I've had since 1990, Azure: Actually, that's not surprising to me at all. CCS: Too much info, Ben... Gamer: According to that he won't have another date until 2010. BS: Not even then. He'd be too old. >and you stick a knife in good old Mr. MacGregor, >and you have the -gall- to tell me that -I'll- regret crossing -you-? >Fuck off, Fernandez. And tell your pretty-boy boss that he can fuck >off right along with you." CCS: Kinky. Azure: I was expecting that from... Oh wait, he's not here. Gamer: Oh my, the f-bomb. That MUST mean he's angry. BS: Pathetic. > Fernandez spat some bloody phlegm at me, but it fell short, >much like my common sense at the moment. I flipped him the good old >American Finger, and he and his buddies limped away into the night. > Cammy looked me in the face with eyes that contained a small >measure of concern, a look that said You probably shouldn't've said >that, but what the hell. Then she grinned and kissed me, and I >willingly traded the entire day for that one moment. I'd gladly have >similar days for similar moments any time. Gamer: My "bow chicka bow wow" senses are tingling. > But even in this drunken, celebrative haze -- both of us >boiling with a stew of alcohol and adrenaline and endorphins -- we >retained a bit of decorum and responsibility, a lot more than the >level that people my parents' age usually give our generation credit >for. I figure we only stood in the street like an old Big Red >commercial CCS: So wretch a little looonger, gag a little loooonger... Ness: Agh, you just HAD to bring up the most painful, evil chewing gum of all time. My tonsils are cringing just thinking about it. BS: Buck up. We're in the home stretch. >for about five minutes before Tommy MacGregor dragged us >back into the pub and gave us free drinks while his father went up to >the hospital to get his shoulder seen to. > All in all, it was a fascinating evening. Of special note was >the drive back to Castle MacLir. Suffice it to say that I >re-acquainted myself with all my relevant gods. CCS: Especially the porcelain ones. Azure: Nobody's a bigger patron to those than Mai Shiranui. BS: Lies and slander. Gamer: I've played Breath of Fire II. Porcelain gods... clever. Tomo: BoF2, great game... Ah, much better. CCS: I'm definitely starting to see why LoN likes you. Azure: Ditto. > The castle loomed dark and silent against the deep-blue sky as >I extracted myself from the Land Rover. All of my senses were keyed >up, hyperextended. The stars were shouting down at me from their >perches, congratulating me. CCS: The heavens applaud me, for I am their GOD! >I was stumbling down the off-ramp of the >best day of my career and heading for a big, bright future. Assuming >we found our way back into the castle. There were no lights on; >apparently the gang had given up and sacked out. That meant there was >little chance we hadn't been missed. Idly, I wondered what Joe had >made up in his inevitable, well-meaning attempt to cover for us. Ness: Ben had to return to his home planet. He died on the way there. > The adrenaline was burning off and the alcohol overture was >getting set for its big finish; my coordination was starting to >suffer, but my mind felt fairly clear, all things considering. We >stumbled up the six zillion stairs from the road to the castle >interior, CCS: Castle MacLir layout by M.C Escher. >snickering inanely and trying to keep quiet. Fatigue >started to set in about halfway up, and it became a challenge -- >albeit, in our condition, a hilarious one -- to keep from falling all >the bloody way back down again. Somehow, we made it, fortune favored >the foolish, and there we were, treading the dark and silent halls of >the castle. CCS: I hope Ben gets lost in the Silent *Hills* of the castle. Preferably somewhere near where Pyramid Head is lurking. Azure: Screw Pyramid Head. We need the Nemesis on this one. LoN: Pyramid Head is supernatural evil, and supernatural trumps technological evil any day... That and Capcom is lame so Nemesis sucks. BS: Of course you know, this means war. Tomo: Take a nap, Stevey. LoN: BS: ...but I wanted to maim him. Gamer: I wouldn't even care if Sephiroth came in and lopped his head off. More inexplicable things have happened. > Of course, by this time, I had no idea -where- in the castle's >great grey bulk I was. Cammy seemed to know where all of the >corridors went, though, so I followed her, and eventually, magically, >the door to my room materialized. Ness: POOF! It's maaaaagic! Azure: MAJIKKU... FAIAAA! >Off came shoes, hat, and overshirt; >I paid a brief visit to the bathroom, and when I returned I was >pleased to find that Cammy had stayed. She was sprawled on the bed, >her boots and beret discarded next to my own shoes, her hair unbraided >(I finally had an appreciation for just how long it was), her hands >behind her head, looking content. I felt a surge of absolute >adoration rush up my spine and blow the top of my head off. Gamer: TIME PARADOX! CCS: BEN HAS DIED! QUIT OR RETRY? Azure: QUIT! QUIT! Ness: Um, which head? *snicker* BS: BAD mental image. > I felt remarkably good for a man without the top of his head, >so I made my way over there, and she made room for me, not a difficult >task on a bed of that size. I put an arm around her shoulders, and >she curled up against my side as if she had always been there, and >made that contented sound in her throat again. She moved up a bit, so that my arm was across her shoulder blades now, and looked at me with >sparkling eyes. I swear I could see my reflection in them. They >didn't look like the eyes of a woman who had been drinking. They were >clear and bright, and I felt myself being carried away by them. CCS: The fuck are *you* looking at? > "What'd me mum think," she repeated softly, the smile in her >eyes never wavering. "Proper girl like me, in bed with a man she's >known less'n a day. I wouldn't even know yuir real name if y'hadn't >told it to Johnny Kane. Ben Hutchins," she echoed. "A local boy, of >a sort." > I shrugged. "We left Scotland sometime in the 1500s. Family >legend has it we were sick of getting beaten up by the Macleods for >stuff the Hutchinsons did." CCS: No... No "Highlander", Ben. Please... Azure: Fanboy rage levels... RISING... BS: Casting Berserk upon Fanboy. Go forth and maim. Gamer: We must watch for incriminating evidence. Tomo: > She laughed. "The way I've always heard it y'were chased off, >but who really cares today?" > "That's probably closer to the truth," I admitted, and the >next thing I knew, we were in the middle of one of those long, >convoluted conversations which two people who are too tired to sleep >and in the process of discovering that they like each other very much >tend to have in the middle of the night. > I talked about my parents, Rose, my grandfather, my hometown, >my friends on the fight circuit, my reasons for fighting, and all >sorts of similar junk. I should have expected this to happen -- the >adrenaline had burned off, taking most of the alcohol with it, and the >endorphins were floating. I get chatty when that happens. CCS: You get chatty if anyone stands still long enough. Azure: Average 1.5 seconds. BS: Meh. Talk about a scene designed to provoke memories. Where's my vodka?! > Cammy had comparatively little to say on those topics, for a >somewhat disturbing reason: she couldn't remember much of that. The >earliest memory she could pin down was turning up at the gates of >Castle MacLir a year or so previous, with a suitcase full of generic, >untraceable clothes, five pounds sixpence CCS: ...none the richer. >, and a world of confusion. >She knew her name was Cammy -- probably short for Camille -- but >outside of that, nothing. Her fingerprints had turned no records up >anywhere in the civilized world. Her picture elicited no response >from the various missing persons bureaus. It was as if she had sprung >full-grown from the brow of Zeus and landed in Scotland. CCS: That's Athena, you dickwad. And, boy, am I glad Asamiya-sama didn't get dragged into this turd. Azure: Hell, I wish the OTHER Athena were here. She'd slaughter this moron and then turn him into some kind of animal, probably a cockroach or some such. Gamer: It's enough to butcher video games, but to butcher Greek mythology? The only things that needs to be butchered hasn't and I want to know why. Ness: This whole fic is an affront to Zeus. Where's Sophitia when you need her? BS: She's getting laid. CCS: Well, those kids of hers had to come from somewhere, I guess. > That analogy was made all the more apt by the fact that she >had, apparently, shown up possessing the well-honed combat skills she >had already demonstrated to me. The style was fairly generic -- it >could have come from any special forces organization. US Navy SEALs, >Rangers, Green Berets, SAS, SBS, GSG9, Mossad (that seemed rather >unlikely), Spetznaz, NKVD, GRU... others surely existed, which I >either couldn't think of or simply didn't know of. > Her Scots burr sounded genuine, and got more genuine as she >got drunk, which meant if she -was- from anywhere other than Scotland, >she had been conditioned damn well. I just wasn't getting that kind >of resonance from her. Okay -- so that meant I was busily falling for >her, and didn't want to be bothered with piddling little details like >her background. CCS: I was more interested in her cup size! Yowza! Ness: Apparently, he's never met Juli. BS: Juli would have killed him. Azure: And then we would have been happy. >But the fact remains that my training had made me >sensitive to other people's Ler as well as my own, and there were no >shadows obscuring Cammy's. > Of course, I reflected, all this might be nothing more than an >illusion, the camaraderie of a late night and an adrenaline high. >Tomorrow she might be embarrassed at how close she had let me get, and >push me away; it's happened before. I always forget about that when I >let myself get into a situation like this one, and remember it later, >when it's too late to help. > I have a lousy track record with women. Gamer: Oh REALLY? BS: Common sense. >During my abbreviated >college career, I dated a grand total of two women, both of them once. >One of them could never reconcile her views with the violence inherent >in my world. The other thanked me for proving that she was still >attractive to men after a bad breakup, and proceeded on to the guy she >actually wanted. Ness: Could be worse. After dating you she would have converted to lesbianism. BS: I've never seen that happen. > I threw up my hands at that point. Once, when I was >feeling particularly bitter, I came up with the following equation: >martial artist = code of honor = mistreat without fear of >repercussion. > I can get -really- bitter sometimes. BS: Bitter? You? Never! Not even when those kids in high school wedgied you. CCS: NO ONE WEDGIES ME! I VILL HAFF MY REVEEEENGEE!!! Azure: HAH-HAH! ATOOOMIC WEDGIEEEE! > Cammy, who I thought had fallen asleep, stirred and opened her >eyes again. I must have had an upset sort of look on my face, because >hers adopted an expression of concern. > "What's wrong?" she asked softly. > "Nothing," I lied. "I was just... thinking." CCS: Something Ben rarely does, mind you. Azure: Four zings in a single chapter! You're on a roll today, Schlueter! Gamer: At this point if he's not undressing her with the power of his mind, he is no man. Tomo: EWWWW! Kimura Sensei! BS: Obviously, he is no man. > She didn't believe me, of course. She held me a little >tighter, and kissed me softly, and then said, "I know yuir worry. >It's been a wonderful evening, but we both know it's too early to tell >yet where we'll go from here." Her hand found mine, and our fingers >laced together. "But I meant what I said back at auld Angus's pub, >and I know you did too. No matter -where- we go from here, we go as >friends." Gamer: ... With benefits? Ness: That's so sweet I'm getting cavities! BS: Hold still, Ness. This won't hurt. Much. > I raised my other hand and traced a line from her hairline to >the tip of her nose, and smiled. "Works for me," I said, and settled >back to get some much-needed sleep. The last thing I knew of that day >was the gentle brush of her lips against mine, in a gesture laden with >little passion, but more affection than I had felt in years. It >colored my dreams a delicate shade of calm. CCS: At least until Freddy Krueger showed up. Azure: Or Choi Bounge, take your pick. Gamer: I hate to say it Ben, actually I don't, but Gen could be sawing off Cammy's leg using a CHOPSTICK and she'd enjoy it more than anything you'd have to offer. BS: Or getting stuffed with a se-- > We got the expected chewing-out by the base commander, one >Brigadier Lethbridge-Stuart, when we wandered into the Great Hall for >lunch the next day, tired-looking but content. I smiled, nodded, and >apologized until he seemed stuffily satisfied; Cammy took it in >stride, cheerily telling him to lighten up and stop being such a >sodding tyrant. He seemed like a nice enough sort, for a career >military man. I didn't get to meet the mysterious "M.", who I took to >be an intelligence supervisor of some sort, but that was just as well. CCS: Too bad. I was wondering if this was the Bernard Lee version or the Judi Dench one. Azure: I was hoping for the X-Men one. Gamer: Or maybe a certain STREET FIGHTER M? Ooh, underlying plot, maybe? Then again, considering things how they have been so far... Tomo: Plot? Plot?! What's that? BS: Non-existent. Ness: At least it's not "R". > All too soon, it was time for us to leave. A car had met us >at the airport, but Cammy decided to drive us back herself, which was >amusing mostly from the point of view of a man who has been wanting >for years on end to see someone else's driving unnerve Zoner. Joe, >who had decided to fly back to the States with us, couldn't decide >whether to be exhilarated or terrified. > When we arrived at the airport, Joe and Zoner promptly >disappeared. I wondered momentarily where they had run off to, and to >do what, because when the two of them get together and then vanish >like that, it often makes life harder for me in the long run. > Then it was time to say goodbye. > We were standing on the tarmac next to the civil aviation >terminal. Behind me, the great black bulk of Zoner's C-130H Hercules, >affectionately dubbed "Prince of Thebes", CCS: For what reason we may never know. Azure: And would never really care to know in the first place. Gamer: What? I stopped paying attention. Oddly enough, that was the first time. Ness: You zoned out after THIS LONG?! You are not human. You are like a piece of iron! >loomed like a fat Tomo: PARDON ME FOR BEING FLAT!! CCS: Actually, he said "fat"... But for an Etna riff, I'll let it pass. Oh, nice outfit, Takino. ^-^ >, contented bird, waiting for its master to guide it >into the air for another journey. In the last couple of years we had been >all over the world in that plane, getting into and out of all sorts of trouble, >acting not so much as spies as freelance troublemakers. We didn't work for >anybody who would pay -- after all, the last thing Zoner needed was >more money -- but rather took jobs which piqued our interest or struck >our fancy. Airlifting refugees out of Kampuchea, dropping an SAS team >in Mriganka, flying medical supplies into Bosnia, running guns to the >Fredonian rebels, CCS: Pretending I'm Groucho Marx's reflection while I'm there... >pulling that same SAS team -out- of Mriganka. If it >was dangerous and for what we thought was a good cause, we did it. CCS: And we did it very badly. > I looked at Cammy; Cammy looked at me. For a long moment, we >didn't say anything. We just stood there and regarded each other >across the space of a couple of feet, a chilly wind ruffling the >sleeves of my Army-surplus field jacket and the tousled forelock of >hair escaping from the front of her beret. Azure: Move it along before I stab you again. > Then we fell into each other's arms, and she hugged me hard >enough that for a moment I thought I heard my ribs creaking. She made >me promise to stay in touch, something I gave my word to do readily, >and she promised to do the same. > "Let me know when yuir next match is," she said. "If I'm not >working on something important I'll be there." CCS: I'll be there for you when the rain starts to pour. I'll be there for you, like I've been there before. > "Absolutely," I said. We separated, and I held her shoulders >in my hands for a moment, rejoicing in the fact that the morning light >had not weakened the bond we felt, the one we had forged the evening >before. CCS: "Forged", huh? I knew Cammy was faking it. BS: Wish I knew how to fake it as well as she did. > Behind me, the Hercules whined as Zoner, who had somehow >gotten aboard without my noticing it, started up the turboprops. > "Go on," said Cammy with a grin. "Before he leaves you here. >Not that I'd mind that terribly." > I laughed, pulled her to me for one last warm kiss, and then I >was off, waving as I ducked through the forward hatchway and slammed >it shut behind me. Azure: THAT'S IT! YOU DIE NOW! Gamer: No, Azure! The purest of evils cannot be destroyed in such a manner! Tomo: We need the godmode powers of Magneto, Cable and Shin Akuma! Ness: That's overdoing it. Cable can handle the whole thing by himself. BS: But, that wouldn't be overkill... and that's what we were aiming for. > "Sorry about that," Zoner called from up on the flight deck. >"Didn't mean to rush you, I just wanted to get everything warmed up." > I climbed up the ladder to said flight deck, squeezing past >Joe, who was sitting at the little-used flight engineer's position, to >slip into the right-hand co-pilot's seat. > "No worries," I replied. "You know how I hate long goodbyes." CCS: Yeah, now if you only hated long, rambling monologues. > Joe said something, but it was lost in the roar as Zoner >throttled up to taxi out, which was probably just as well. I slipped >on my headset and radioed for takeoff clearance; we fell into the >well-practiced rhythms of getting the Prince off the ground. Only >when we were heading west at 20,000 feet did we get around to >conversation. > "Nice girl," Zoner remarked. "Cute, too." > "Mm," I replied noncommittally. I figured my actions would >speak for my opinion on the subject. > "I'll say," Joe added. "Quite a fighter, too. She's my kind >of woman." > I snorted, getting up from my seat and slipping past him to >the pair of bunks along the back bulkhead of the control cabin. "Your >kind of woman needs help tying her shoes, Joe." CCS: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Now *that* was funny! Gamer: Did the ground just get colder to you? Tomo: Joe lets his women wear shoes? I thought he only went for those Barefoot and pregnant types. > "Hey! That was uncalled-for," Joe protested, as Zoner stifled >laughter. "I'll admit my last girlfriend wasn't exactly a rocket >scientist, but -- " > "Your last girlfriend couldn't remember her name when I met >her," I reminded him as I climbed up to the top bunk. "Remember? She >was too whacked-out on whatever that stuff was she liked to smoke. >You remember, the stuff that 'expanded her consciousness.' Before her >there was the one who told you that clothing was 'a manifestation of >the shackles of oppression we inherit from our ancestors.' You got >arrested for running around Knight City in your altogether." > Joe was reddening and Zoner was howling; he had to switch on the autopilot to >keep from knee-slapping us right into the Atlantic. Ness: That would be the greatest ending to this fanfic possible. BS: Quite. CCS: Once again, why does Zoner exist? Gamer: You know that is a GOOD question. The focus of this story has been VERY narrow. Azure: To piss me off, and lord knows he does it well. > "All right, all right, dammit," Joe said, flushed with >embarrassment. "So I've had bad luck, I admit that. It comes from >jumping in before I look too closely, I'll admit that, too. But >you're a hell of a one to talk, Mr. Night-After-The-Match," he remarked, >his wily grin reviving. CCS: Then he did the eyebrow wiggling and flew off in a little saucer. Azure: Insert Wily's Fortress theme here. > "Get your mind out of the sewer," I grumped. "We're friends, >we're interested in seeing it go on to be something more than that, >but we both agree it's too soon to tell yet if it'll work out. I >realize that one sentence encompasses more thought than you have ever >put into a liaison with a female, but do try to at least understand it >objectively." Gamer: I understood none of that. All I know is that any given reader wants him dead. Tomo: You are not supposed to. CCS: Ben, you can turn off the Smug Asshole act now. Azure: Hell, he can turn off just about everything about himself. Ness: Turn off the lights, the party's over. They say that all bad things must end... > I knew he understood; I knew he was just ragging me. We all >understand the code of trust and respect that the honorable ones of >the world's fighters adhere to; it's what makes us friends, too. > On another level, though, some primal response encoded in the >Y chromosome makes us occasionally harass each other like frat >brothers. We can't help it; we just do. Ness: YOUR STUPID CHROMOSOME! NOT MINE! Azure: Ness officially wins for that Calvin and Hobbes reference. > I tipped my cap over my eyes and added, "I'm going to get some >more sleep, if nobody minds. Wake me if anything really interesting >happens." CCS: That should be the motto of this fanfic. Gamer: YES!! Ladies and gentlemen, the winner. Azure: And a FIFTH zing! Tomo: Ness: CONGRATURATION! CCS: It's good to be me sometimes. BS: Only sometimes. Whenever you duel me, however, you hate being you. > "Good, catch up on your sleep," said Zoner. "You'll need it. >While you were having your big goodbye, Joe and I arranged your next >match; you fight next month." > "Oh yeah?" I remarked from under my hat. "Who with?" > "The Russian Open League champion -- Sergei Zangief." Azure: Wait, woah, woah... SERGEI?! NOW he's just making sh*t up. > I sat bolt up right, banged my head against the ceiling, and >lay down again whether I wanted to or not, managing to blurt out a >startled, "WHAT?!" in the process. > I had heard, you see, of Sergei Zangief. Seven feet or so of >Siberian fortitude, the man supposedly wrestled with Arctic bears in >his spare time, just to keep the edge on, and wandered the frozen >wastelands naked to build up his resistance to the harsh weather. CCS: Oh... ick... HUTCHINS!! STOP THAT!! >I didn't know at the time if any of that was true, but any man with that >sort of reputation must be pretty tough to have his exploits inflated >to that level, anyway. I knew a couple of fighters who had seen him >fight; their assessment was that if he -did- wrestle bears, they >probably came out of it worse off than he did. > Also, it was widely known that, especially since the collapse >of the Communist Soviet Union, he hated Americans, and tended to skirt >the fringes of fighting fair when pitted against one. My second match >as a World Warrior, against that monster? CCS: No, he said Zangief, not Blanka. Tomo: Close enough. Azure: I wish it WERE against ol' Jimmy. He'd wipe the floor, and his ass with Hutch. Gamer: Well gee, it's not like Zangief wasn't a possibility when he signed up. > Sure, I had always wanted to visit Russia (sometime when I had >enough time to stop and look around, and wasn't being chased by people >with guns). Gamer: How politically correct of you. Ness: How much you wanna bet he beats Zangief, falls in love with Millia Rage or Sonia Romanenko, and then gains the admiration of Russia by buying everybody vodka? Azure: Sonia's taken. She and Jimmy Lewis are off in the other room making out as we speak. >Sure, the breathtaking beauty of the Arctic was something >I would usually look forward to. But right now, I couldn't appreciate >any of that. > I was too busy being mad at Zoner. CCS: Hey, who isn't? Azure: Certainly not me. Gamer: What the...? Wasn't that one of the first lines in the story? It WAS! > END BATTLE 01 Tomo: THANK GOD! Now bring on the next piece of crap! Ness: Woman, do you even realize what you're saying? BS: She doesn't. Get up, already. It's over. ** "Hello there everybody," said Captain Gamer, smiling into the lobby cameras. "Now that the fanfic is over, I thought it would be fun to do a little sketch around the stars of today's fanfic, namely Ben and Zoner." As Captain Gamer spoke several of the players could be seen getting prepared in the background. Steveman, Lordofnightmares, now fully recovered from his breakdown in the theater, was dressed up as Iori Yagami and Tomo Takino, dressed as Vice, was straightening his collar before going off to fetch a bright red wig which she arranged on LoN's head. Off to the left was Azureman dressed in the white t-shirt, jeans and red cap of Terry Bogard. A moment later, Ami Mizuno, dressed, appropriately enough as Blue Mary Ryan walked up to Azure and handed over a copy of Terry's trademark jacket and fighting gloves. "Okay," said Sakura, smiling brightly. "Ness and Black Sword are set." "Great," Gamer replied, clapping his hands together. "Why the hell am I doing this?" asked Black Sword from off camera. "You look fine," Sakura called back "For a total goofball." she added under her breath as she turned back to Gamer. "So," Captain Gamer continued speaking to the camera. "We've created a little sketch we're calling 'King of Fighters: Warrior's Legacy'." "Hold it!" growled CardCaptor Schlueter as he stomped in dressed in a dark blue hooded jacket, white shirt and khaki shorts. "Why the *hell* was I cast as Sie Kensou?" "I wanted to cover as many teams as possible," Gamer replied. "Yeah," Azure added. "Besides, you're the one who loves Athena right?" "I also think Yuri is pretty damn cool, but you don't see me dressed as Robert Garcia either," CCS growled in response, his arms crossed. "Besides Kensou is the goofball, loser fanboy who never gets anywhere." "And that's different from you how?" Tomo asked causing CCS to facefault. "Now listen, I am not going to..." CCS began before he was cut off. "Do I look okay in this?" asked Anzu as she walked in dressed as Athena Asamiya circa KOF 2002. CCS blinked and stared and stared some more as Anzu adjusted her star-shaped hair clip. "Are you okay?" "...Yeah, fine..." CCS replied. "You had this planned, didn't you?" LoN asked Gamer. "What can I say? He's predictable," Gamer replied with a shrug. "Is everyone, ready? Okay. Clear the set." They all headed off outside of camera range. Sakura leaned into the shot holding a clapboard. "KOF: Warrior's Legacy. Take one." CLACK! A moment later, Ness and Black Sword wandered in. Ness was dressed in a Far Side shirt, jeans and a black cap while Black Sword was dressed all in black with a black jacket that had a nametag reading "HI! My name is ZONER and I'm an international freelance spy!". Ness was still reading over several pages of Gamer's script as he walked in. "Really, Zoner," Ness began reading directly from the script. "Why on Earth did you sign me up for the KOF tournament without telling me?" "Relax, Ben," Black Sword replied trying to sound suave but ended up sounding merely smug. "I mean you were always talking about entering KOF." "I was talking about joining a KOF *team*, Zoner. And I was totally plastered and hopped up on second hand smoke from whatever that stuff you bogart is," Ness replied. "You signed me up to fight the teams all by myself!" "Yeah, but you'll be able to take care of them!" Black Sword said, dialing the smug up to eleven. "I mean, remember when you beat the tar out of Wolfgang Krauser with two broken arms?" "Yeah, but he might not have kicked me in the head if I had been paying more attention," said Ness. "Or less," Black Sword said with a smirk. "Or less," Ness concurred. A moment later he scrunched his eyebrows looking vaguely confused. "Wait... What?" "Oh, look! It's your first opponent!" Black Sword announced as CCS entered. "Hi there," said CCS in a friendly tone. "YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR ME!!" Ness shouted. "I AM THE MOST POWERFUL FIGHTER IN ALL OF MAINE!!" "What?" asked CCS. Ness pointed dramatically at CCS. "Taste the wrath of my Twink Attack of Removal!" He then poked CCS who oversold the move dramatically and flung himself across the room. "NOOOOOO!!! KENSOU!!" Anzu screamed as she rushed in. She cradled CCS' prone form in her arms. "Kensou! Kensou! Speak to me!" "MWAHAHAHA!!" Ness cackled. "Who's next?!" "I am!!" LoN announced as he jumped in. He quickly grabbed Ness by the head and flung him across the room in a cloud of blue flames. Ness bounced off the snack counter before crashing into the popcorn machine. "CUT! CUT!!" Gamer shouted as he stomped in. "You were supposed to *lose*, Nightmare Boy." "Actually, if he didn't do it, I would've," said Azure with a shrug. "Owww...." muttered Ness from the wreckage of the popcorn machine. "I'm kinda annoyed that I didn't get to do it," said Tomo. "It still wasn't in the script," announced an annoyed Captain Gamer. "Little help here, please?" called Ness. Black Sword decided to go and help him. Sakura shrugged. "What were you expecting?" "Hey, CCS was able to follow the script," Gamer said with a scowl. LoN glanced over at CCS, who was draped over Anzu's lap with her arms wrapped around him. "Yeah. I wonder why," he said sarcastically. "Well... I guess I can't make anyone like Ben enough even to finish a parody about him," Gamer grumbled as he tossed the script over his shoulder. "So... Ummm... Are we done?" asked Ami. "Owie... Owie... Careful... I... Mmm.... Buttery..." said Ness as Black Sword helped him out of a pile of fluffy, popped goodness. ** Back up in the control room/projection booth, Czar Gamer was busy packing up the reels from the experiment. "Well, that should do for today, I guess," he said. "Don't want to snap their minds too fast." Just then there was a knock at the door. Czar blinked. "Who the hell could that be?" He opened the door to see a tall man with a scruffy beard dressed all in black and a slightly shorter, pudgier man wearing a Far Side shirt and a black cap who looker like a failed genetic cross between E. Honda and Terry Bogard. Both gave the air of particularly geeky college students who needed to be reminded that they graduated six years ago. "Whatever you're selling, I don't want any," Czar growled at them. "We're not selling anything except cans of whoopass!" shouted the pudgy one, pointing dramatically. "How dare you make us look like pathetic losers!!" "And just who might you be?" Czar asked. "I am the great Benjamin Hutchins!" the pudgy guy shouted. "And this is my loyal sidekick, MegaZone." "Dude!" said the taller man. "I thought we were equal parters in this deal." "I lied. Deal with it." Ben growled. "Hutchins...?" Czar began, mulling over the name. "Oh, right. That 'Gryphon' dweeb from the fanfic." "SILENCE!!" Hutchins sceamed, his face turning bright red. "Only friends and close associates may call me that!!" "Anyone can call me 'MegaZone' though," Zoner added smiling vacantly. "Shut up, Himbo," Ben snapped. Czar Gamer rolled his eyes. "Riiiiiiiiiiiighht..." he said. "Is there a point to this somewhere?" Ben scowled at Czar. "Yes," he said. "To regain my image, I shall destroy you with my mad Mary Sue Ler Drit skillz!!" "Uh-huh..." Czar responded in a monotone. "Well, I have something better than that." "Oh?" said Ben. "And what would that be?" "This!" Czar Gamer reached behind the projecter and pulled out a rocket launcher with a 'Property of Jill Valentine' label stamped on it. "Where the hell did you get that?!" asked MegaZone, staring wide-eyed at the launcher. "Cheat code," Czar replied simply. "I hate GameSharkers..." said Ben as Czar pulled the trigger. ** THE END ** Captain Gamer venusar@aol.com http://www.freewebs.com/captain_gamer/cgooc.html Lordofnightmares godlikebob@yahoo.com http://neuroticfanboy.deviantart.com/ Ness http://www.angelfire.com/comics/a-n/hoparch.html Azureman http://www.bobandgeorge.com/Fancomics/Sakurai/Sakurai.html Black Sword yomoxu@yahoo.com http://ocl0083.proboards31.com/index.cgi and CardCaptor Schlueter cardcaptorschlueter@gmail.com http://www.bobandgeorge.com/Fancomics/Iris/Iris.html Opening and Closing Segments By CardCaptor Schlueter Czar Gamer's Appearance Courtesy Captain Gamer > "Hey there. You must be MegaZone." > ... I hate it when that happens. Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 2006 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Keep Circulating The Fanfics.... CCS: ....Except this one. Azure: He even ENDS it with a zing!